The Benefits of Being an Unselfish Lover

Here’s How Being an Unselfish Lover Can Make You Way Better in Bed

Are you a selfish lover? The answer may not be as straightforward as you think.

For example, if you’ve climaxed but your partner hasn’t yet, what’s your next move? Does sex end when you have an orgasm? Or when both of you got what you wanted out of the experience?

While mutual orgasm isn’t always the be-all and end-all indicator of a satisfying sexual encounter, it’s important to consider the experience from your partner’s point of view to make sure their needs are also being met.

Here, we explore the importance of being an unselfish lover, signs that your approach to lovemaking has become more self-centered than it should be — plus tips for shifting the focus from solo satisfaction to mutual enjoyment.

What Causes Selfish Lovemaking?

While both genders are obviously capable of being selfish lovers, Dr. Jenni Skyler, LMFT, certified sex therapist for AdamEve.com, says men can be more prone to it.

“Men are typically more unconsciously selfish because they operate by the social-sexual script found in porn or media,” she explains.

For example, many women can’t reach orgasm through penetrative sex alone — which is the type of scenario most commonly found in porn.

“This script tends to bypass the time and energy needed to cultivate female arousal,” she says — which leads in real-life sexual interactions to what’s known as the ‘orgasm gap.’

However, Skyler says men are more inclined to want to see their partners feel pleasure, which should make them more naturally inclined to want to please than be selfish. The key to determining how to satisfy them comes down to communication skills — how comfortable you are talking about sex. .

Signs You’re a Selfish Lover

Still trying to figure out whether or not you’re a selfish lover? Here, Skyler shares a few key signs.

You Never Ask Your Partner Questions

When was the last time you checked in with your partner on how they feel about your sex life? If you’ve rarely or never asked what your partner likes, what they wish you’d do more or less of, etc., it’s time to start.

You Don’t Know What Your Partner Likes

What turns your partner on? What are their favorite spots for you to touch? Do they have any kinks or fetishes? What turns them off? If you’ve never thought to ask your partner about their preferences in bed, well, that’s kind of selfish.

You Don’t Know How to Make Your Partner Orgasm

Again, it’s important to note that orgasm isn’t always the end goal or indicator that sex was good. But if you’ve never brought your partner to climax, it’s time to learn how to do that.

Tips For Being a Less Selfish Lover

If you want to reform your ways and be more giving in bed, here are a few tips for being a less selfish lover that’ll go a long way.

1. Learn What Your Partner Likes

Don’t put your partner on the spot in the heat of the moment.

Instead, find some time when both of you are relaxed and start the conversation in a low-pressure way. Ask questions that make it easy for them to express themselves without having to critique you as a lover.

Asking where they like to be touched the most, what turns them on, what pushes them over the edge when they’re close to orgasm, etc.

2. Be Generous

“Being generous is important for any aspect of a well-functioning relationship,” Skyler points out, and that goes for the bedroom as well.

Make a conscious effort to give as much as you receive, and sometimes more. Pay attention to how your partner is reacting during sex, and ask questions that’ll help guide you toward what they like in the process.

3. Get Curious

Be curious about what else your partner likes that you haven’t tried yet, and suggest exploring it together.

This can be having sex in different locations or positions, bringing toys into the mix, etc.

Taking an active interest in what your partner wants and values in the bedroom is considerate and goes a long way.

4. Strike the Right Balance

Focusing on your partner’s pleasure is important, but it’s also important to keep things even.

“We need to titrate between self and others,” says Skyler.

Pay attention to meeting your partner, but don’t overcorrect to the point where you’re not getting your needs met, either, or you’ll likely start to feel resentment over the situation.

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Source: AskMen