Why Non-Consensual Choking Is Dangerous & Problematic

Understanding & Tackling the Concerning Trend of Choking Without Consent

Editor’s note: This article contains depictions of sexual violence.

Lauren, 35, was having a good time with a man she met on vacation. He asked her out, and they bonded over pizza. They saw each other again. When she wasn’t ready to kiss just yet, he was respectful about it. When she got sick, he took care of her, which she found sweet. They eventually got physically intimate, and things felt good — until they had sex again.

“He’s like, twice my weight on top of me, wraps his hands around my neck without warning, and starts applying pressure,” she says. “There’s no safe word that’s been discussed. There’s no discussion about how much pressure is going to be applied. I’m just caught completely off guard and wondering if I am going to be suffocated.”

She tried saying something, but couldn’t speak because he had his hands on her neck. She wondered whether to push him off.

“What if he’s going to become more violent?” she adds. “Because now I don’t know if he’s a violent person. I don’t know if it’s a kink or playful on his end, or if he misread the dynamic. I don’t know if this could lead to something more dangerous.”

Just like Lauren, nearly one in four women has felt scared during sex, according to a study published in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. Moreover, 23 out of the 347 respondents who provided descriptions of scary sexual experiences mentioned situations related to choking.

“When I first started interviewing people about their sexual experiences for this book, I was inundated with emails and messages from women who’d been choked without consent,” wrote author Rachel Thompson in her book Rough: How violence has found its way into the bedroom and what we can do about it.

Choking itself isn’t bad per se. Many people enjoy engaging in different forms of breath play in the bedroom, and can find it erotic in theory and/or in practice, whether due to the erotic asphyxiation component, the power play aspect, or both.

However, like any sex act, and especially ones that are potentially physically dangerous, it requires clear and enthusiastic consent. Non-consensual choking is assault — and it’s unfortunately prevalent. Here’s what you need to know about it:

Why Non-Consensual Choking Is Common

Perhaps you’re surprised to read about the prevalence of non-consensual choking. Maybe you think the act itself isn’t such a big deal in bed. Misconceptions about consent and boundaries are part of the issue at play, after all.

“This alarming trend suggests a disconnect between the perception of consent and the understanding of boundaries in sexual activities,” says licensed professional counselor Tammer Malaty.

According to the National Center for Health Statistics’ National Survey of Family Growth, young people aren’t getting the sex education they need. For example, less than half of the teens who had penis-in-vagina intercourse received formal sex education that meets minimum standards before doing so.

Important Nuances Behind Porn & Choking

It would be reductive to blame readily available internet pornography for the rise of non-consensual choking. But it certainly plays a role in perpetuating mainstream tropes about what sex is supposed to look and feel like.

Porn director Erika Lust told The Guardian that choking scenes now dominate adult movies. What was once considered a more niche sex act in BDSM communities is being presented as a standard way to have sex.

Plus, you don’t get to see what happens off-screen: Adult entertainers are briefed about the scenes they are going to film and agree to perform certain acts. There are strict safety guidelines on set.

“One factor [in the rise of non-consensual choking] is the effect of particular media representations or online material portraying hard or violent sexual activity without sufficiently explaining the role of consent and communication or the negative impacts it could have in a relationship,” says certified sex therapist Aliyah Moore, who also holds a Ph.D. in Gender and Sexuality Studies.

Normalizing activities like strangulation, which involves risks and can lead to injury or death, without emphasizing the importance of communication and consent can have devastating consequences. Even with consent, strangulation-gone-wrong has led to murder convictions.

It’s also important to remember that just because some women enjoy being choked doesn’t mean that all women are likely to derive pleasure from it. When you are constantly exposed to images of porn stars looking like they are enjoying it, it’s easy to forget that fact.

The prevalence of choking in mainstream porn may also lead some people to feel pressured into it or get confused about what their partners expect. Some men may believe that choking is what they’re supposed to do, or what their partners will enjoy.

On the flipside, some women may hold back from flagging that they don’t like being choked because they don’t want to seem too vanilla.

“This belief that non-consensual choking is ‘the norm’ in sex means that some women feel they can’t say anything through fear of being perceived in a negative light by sexual partners,” wrote Thompson.

Whether a man resorts to choking as a “default move” (which is how a woman who spoke to Thompson described it) or a woman just goes with it even though she’s not into it, pleasure becomes an afterthought in both scenarios. But it should actually be the main factor driving the decision to explore choking during sex.

Non-Consensual vs. Consensual Choking

If you’re worried about blurred lines, keep in mind that consent isn’t just the absence of a no — it’s the presence of a clear, enthusiastic yes.

It can be withdrawn at any time and requires continuous communication. Just because you already had sex with someone doesn’t mean that they would be OK with choking. And just because they’ve agreed to choking once doesn’t mean they want to do it again.

It’s also crucial to consider whether a sexual partner is truly open to choking or whether they’re feeling pressured into it. Making assumptions can be a slippery slope.

“Some men may not be aware that what they consider a form of intimacy could actually be causing harm and trauma to their partner,” says Malaty.

As Lauren points out, she initially really liked the man who ended up choking her without warning: “It completely changed the dynamic and all of a sudden I went from really liking this guy to being really afraid of him.”

The incident broke the trust and safety that had been established between them and left her feeling traumatized.

To avoid causing harm, never engage in choking without having a check-in first. Share your desire to try it and make sure you’re not pressuring your partner into it. Discuss boundaries ahead of time and establish a safe word. Consider the fact that choking can be dangerous even with consent, and always keep safety precautions in mind.

Also, keep checking that things are feeling pleasurable to your partner during the act, and circle back again after sex.

“Consent should not be just a matter of doing something, but it should also be ongoing and transparent so that sex between two people can be healthy and enjoyable for all parties involved,” says Moore.

When in doubt, it’s better to be extra straightforward and communicative about seeking consent. Talking about sex with a partner may be daunting, but it’s much less difficult than dealing with the aftermath of choking someone who didn’t want to be choked.

And cultivating a climate of empathy and respect can help prevent a positive sexual encounter from escalating into assault territory.

Basic Sex Ed Facts That Every Guy Should Know How to Ask for Consent in a Sexy Way, Revealed The Porn Moves You Shouldn’t Try in the Bedroom

Source: AskMen