What Is a Ruined Orgasm?

Here’s Why Some People Want Their Climaxes Ruined (& How to Make It Happen)

Is there anything worse than having something wonderful ruined? That is, unless you’re talking about an orgasm.

That’s because, unlike ruined birthday parties, ruined job promotions and ruined weddings, ruined orgasms are actually sought after by many people sexually — despite the contradictory-sounding nature of the concept.

And, as with many sex terms that may require some explanation, the idea of a ruined orgasm is tied to the BDSM and kink community.

In order to better understand what a ruined orgasm is, why people want to experience them and how you can, too, AskMen spoke to a couple of sex experts. Here’s what they had to say:

“A ruined orgasm is when a person is disrupted when they are about to experience orgasm, which can prevent or reduce the quality, fulfillment, and/or sensation felt at climax,” says Lisa Finn, sex educator for Babeland. “Think of it like being on the brink of having a 10/10 orgasm, and then having that orgasm abruptly brought to a 3 instead.”

“Sometimes this can happen unintentionally — getting distracted, having someone walk in on you, getting a muscle cramp, having your vibrator run out of charge, and so on — but in the context of BDSM, it’s a consensual act where a Dominant partner causes the ruined orgasm for the submissive party on purpose.”

“This can leave the submissive partner feeling a level of frustration, disappointment, or unsatisfaction while still having the release,” says sex and relationship expert Miss Mackenzee. “Someone may also experience painful sensations from it.”

Why Some People Enjoy Ruined Orgasms

So why on Earth would anyone enjoy that? But as Mackenzee says, many people do.

Partly, it can just be a question of variety, says Finn.

“Ruined orgasms can feel really unique when compared to other types of orgasms, and so the experience of a different sensation can feel really hot,” she explains.

However, there’s more to it than that.

“For some, it can feel uncomfortable or even slightly painful, which can be a kink,” says Finn. “For many, what makes a ruined orgasm something that they want is the power play involved. Ruined orgasm play can feel intense, sometimes it can be part of a humiliation kink, and/or it can really lean into the dynamic of control from the Dominant.”

In the context of this power exchange, denying someone the fullness of a ‘proper’ orgasm can be “a way to flip the script on heteronormative sex, where orgasms are no longer the most important or defining moment of a sexual encounter,” Mackenzee adds.

“There is also a huge population of people that are really into the Female Dominant lifestyle, and ruined orgasms are a time-honored tradition in that realm,” she explains — so ruined orgasms may be a hot part of being a male submissive.

Ruined Orgasms, Edging and Orgasm Denial

In fact, ruined orgasms are hardly the only form of sexual play that explores the consequences of moving away from having a great orgasm rather than directly towards it. Practices like orgasm denial and edging also play with this, though in different ways.

“Edging is the act of stopping orgasm right at the brink (or edge) of hitting that climax — instead of reducing the quality of orgasm, you’re temporarily denying the orgasm entirely,” says Finn. “Whereas a ruined orgasm has the intensity diminished, edging can have the intensity of the orgasm enhanced when it’s finally reached (or ‘allowed’) due to the physical and mental build-up that comes with this type of play.”

“Unlike ruined orgasms and edging, which both involve having an orgasm, there’s orgasm denial — where the individual is completely prevented from having the orgasm altogether,” she notes.

So if ruined orgasms aren’t quite for you, exploring edging or orgasm denial might be a more fruitful avenue.

How to Give Someone a Ruined Orgasm

1. Navigate Consent

“As with any BDSM play, you’ll want to have a conversation first to make sure that everyone is on the same page and consenting to the play and how it will work,” says Finn.

“Even with a strong power dynamic in play,” she adds, “the submissive party should always have control when it comes to setting boundaries, and a safe word should be agreed upon.”

“If you’re not on the same page,” Mackenzee points out, “it can lead to an unsatisfying experience for someone who doesn’t want their pleasure halted.”

2. Consider Methods

Next, you’ll want to agree on “the best ways for it to happen.”

“It may look like using a wand vibrator and then pulling it away, or if you’re engaging in penetrative sex, pulling out at the start of orgasm,” she explains.

“Turning off a powerful vibrator is a great way to halt sensation abruptly, which can be super effective,” Finn agrees, but notes that “you can practice ruining orgasms along with any sexual activity,” listing options like masturbation, oral sex, and manual play, such as handjobs or fingering.

In short, any way you can bring someone to orgasm is a viable option for a ruined orgasm.

3. Play With Build-Up

To have something ruined for you, it has to have the feeling that it would have been great,” says Finn. “So really building up the sexual tension in the scene and teasing however else your power dynamic invites, whether that’s physically or with language, is essential.”

“You’re leaning into that anticipation, that desire for the long-awaited moment of this pleasurable release, and then turning what should have been an “OHH!” into an “…oh.”

4. Consider Timing

“Timing is essential because you want to hit the moment right when it’s about to happen — when the person is about to crash into their orgasm and you crush it instead,” says Finn.

This will entail “halting stimulation just as your partner is about to cum, or just as they’ve started to cum (experiment and see which is best!) so that their body continues with the orgasm, but the intensity and even feeling of release is significantly hindered, leaving them feeling like the moment was, well, ruined,” she explains.

5. Have a Signal

In addition to a safe word and/or gesture, Mackenzee says, it’s a good idea to come up with “a word that can be used when the receiver is close or beginning to climax.”

“This is a sign that the giver should be stopping or lessening the sensations they’re providing to give a ruined orgasm,” she notes.

Ultimately, this can seriously cut down or even eliminate the guesswork on your part when it comes to timing.

Common Mistakes to Avoid When Trying Out Kink How to Explain Your Fetish to Your PartnerWild Sex Fetishes You’ve Never Heard Of

Source: AskMen