Her Sexual Pleasure Shouldn’t End at Your Orgasm – Here’s What You Have to Do
Her Sexual Pleasure Shouldn’t End at Your Orgasm – Here’s What You Have to Do
The whole concept of premature ejaculation is a very male one, and there’s really no such thing as a woman climaxing too soon.
Why? Well, many cis women can easily have multiple orgasms in the same sex or masturbation session, but that’s a lot harder for men.
When men climax, that’s usually a sign that their role in the sexual encounter is over. Naturally, that means it’s hyper-important not to finish too soon … but why, exactly, can’t men keep going after an orgasm like women? And what can you do if you want to keep pleasuring your partner afterwards, but don’t feel capable of engaging in any further penetration?
Luckily, there’s no reason the sexual moment has to end just because you had an orgasm.
To find out how to satisfy your partner after you’ve climaxed, we spoke to three different sexperts to get the inside info on giving your partner a taste of your post-coital bliss.
The Post-Orgasmic State for Men
“When you orgasm, a ton of neurochemicals are released in the brain that are associated with sleep, including oxytocin, vasopressin, and prolactin,” says Zachary Zane, a sex columnist and sex expert for Momentum Intimacy. “This is often why people are sleepy after sex/orgasm.”
However, it appears that similar chemicals are released in people’s brains regardless of gender or sex. So why do men often seem to be more affected?
“Another possibility is that it’s a matter of habit and expectation,” says Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., sexologist and host of the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast. “You might think sex is done because you’re done, but this need not be the case.”
For instance, she notes, it could be a question of cultural conditioning.
“Porn (which in the absence of pleasure-based sex ed has become an unintended and inadequate source of sexual learning) often portrays sex as coming to an end once the penis ejaculates,” O’Reilly notes.
Meaning that, although there are, as she puts it, endless options for what to do after you climax, the cultural script that there’s nothing left to do can combine with your feeling of deep post-coital relaxation to leave you feeling like it’s time to pass out immediately.
There’s also the fact that many men, if they are the penetrating partner during sex, might be expending more energy than their partners, as Coleen Singer, a BDSM/fetish expert for Wasteland.com, notes.
“Many men have difficulty in having vigorous physical activity after an orgasm as they are quite literally ‘spent,’” she says.
If you’re out of shape (or simply having very vigorous sex to begin with), it’s possible that a degree of physical exhaustion will play into your overall feeling of tiredness, as well as the aforementioned feeling of exhausted/relaxed post-coital bliss.
Then there’s the period men experience between one orgasm and another: the refractory period.
“If you have a penis, you will not be able to ejaculate during this time,” says Angela Rosario, brand manager and sexpert for TooTimid.com. “This duration is different for everyone and most of the time, this is out of your control. Duration of the refractory period can vary by age or [according to various] medical conditions.”
Some data shows that the refractory period is only a few minutes in younger guys, whereas older men experience refractory periods of many hours, or possibly even as long as a full day. Once the refractory period is over, however, you’ll be able to orgasm again. That’s when your refractory period will begin anew.
The Post-Orgasmic State for Women
What does the post-orgasmic state look like for women? Well, it’s not completely different — they also experience a feeling of pleasurable relaxation — but it’s far from the same, in large part because they don’t have a refractory period the way cis men do.
“It’s actually pretty impressive,” says sex educator Kenneth Play. “Women’s brains are more responsive to arousal and stimuli after the first orgasm, and many of them barely need a break between one orgasm and continued stimulation.”
That’s not to say that women don’t need breaks at all. Besides the possibility of simply feeling physically or emotionally exhausted, they can also become quite sensitive after an orgasm, particularly a clitoral one.
“The clit is made up of thousands of nerve endings, and is especially sensitive and engorged after an orgasm,” says Rosario. “Unless a woman has trained herself or is able to be multi-orgasmic, vigorously stimulating the clitoris again after an orgasm can be difficult. It isn’t impossible, but you’ll just have to take a break and start stimulation from scratch again.”
In that case, many women might “prefer a switch in the type of stimulation, to give specific nerves a break,” notes Play. “But [some] women can even push through from one orgasm straight into the next with the same stimulation.”
So where does that leave you? Regardless of your partner’s gender, if you climax first, there’s a good chance your partner will want things to keep going, and you might feel totally incapable of continuing. If you’ve ever experienced that sensation, here are a few tips that’ll give both of you a happier ending.
How to Satisfy Your Partner After You’ve Orgasmed
Engage in Some Sensual Kissing
“Don’t overcomplicate things,” ays Rosario. “Start by kissing them from top to bottom during your refractory period. This is a time to truly enjoy some serious foreplay.”
As well, she adds, “Lick all of the sensitive areas of their body — nipples, ears and neck to show your partner that you may have ‘finished’ but you aren’t done and still want to enjoy their body. Your mouth is really going to come in handy during this time.”
Engage in Some Sensual Touching
“Trace her curves, give small kisses, show her how good your post-orgasm glow feels by staying connected and in contact,” suggests Play. “This may be an especially good time for some external clitoral touch for her, as well.”
Use a Sex Toy
“After you have had an orgasm, this is the perfect time to try out that new sex toy that just arrived,” says Singer. “It takes the pressure off of you to reach and maintain another erection, and she will enjoy it as you bring her to another climax.
Need some suggestions? “If you’re soft and need a labor-saving device, a toy such as an Njoy Pure Wand or a Hitachi [Magic Wand] can be great to keep pleasure going for her if you need to have a small breather,” notes Play.
Perform Oral Sex on Your Partner
“Go down on your partner during this time,” says Rosario. “Who doesn’t want to enjoy oral? Take your time and go slow. Who knows? You may end up getting stimulated all over again and ready for another session!”
And if you’re feeling particularly exhausted, you can get your partner to sit on your face, allowing you to lie on your back essentially without moving any body part except your tongue.
Talk Dirty to Your Partner
Too tired to move your body? What about moving your mind? The brain, as they say, is the biggest sex organ, after all. Now’s the perfect time to, as O’Reilly puts it, “talk dirty, explore fantasies, ask your lover what they’re into.”
You might not be able to help them cum right now using your hands or your mouth or your penis, but what about with your words?
“If they want to work their way to orgasm, consider how they want to feel,” O’Reilly says. “Do they want to feel admired and adored? Look them up and down with animal desire. Make intense eye contact. Shower them with admiration and compliments. Do they want to feel powerful? Offer to be at their service. Tell them you’ll do anything to pleasure them. Let them know your only desire is to follow their lead and give them pleasure.”
Staying in the Mood Until You’re Ready for Round 2
If you don’t feel physically capable of engaging in kissing, stroking, sex toy use or oral sex, you can also just try to stay in the mood until you’re ready for more sex.
“Stay focused and keep your mindset on having another orgasm,” suggests Rosario. “Think of everything that turns you on about your partner and just focus on that. You can think of their body, the hot sex you’ve just had, something sexy they do that you like — whatever it is, just be sure to convince your mind that you aren’t done. Your body will follow as soon as your refractory period is over.”
If mental control isn’t your thing or something you struggle with, Singer suggests using erotic materials to get back into the mood.
“High quality adult films can actually be interesting as far as plot and narrative, so this is a good way of staying in the mood until you are ready for more action,” she says. “Bonus: If the movie has a really bad plot and acting (as in so many porn films), it’s a fun opportunity to have a good laugh together.”
Or, as Play notes, you can actually ask for a break. That might go against your instinct; men are typically expected to be gifted sexual performers, but the reality is that sometimes your body just needs a breather.
“Don’t be afraid to ask for a little break, but stay attentive to her!” he suggests. “If your partner feels like you’re just doing it out of obligation, though, then it won’t be sexy at all. Don’t fake it! Take the break you need and stay affectionate in the meantime (whatever that looks like for the two of you). A lot of women’s arousal comes from being wanted and desired, which isn’t just shown by having an erection. Show her your desire with touch, words, gazing and more.”
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