Here’s How to Properly Turn Her On (And Keep Your Sex Life Alive)
Here’s How to Properly Turn Her On (And Keep Your Sex Life Alive)
It’s a well-worn trope of heterosexual relationships that men are hornier than women.
Whatever truth or untruth there is to that — and there’s certainly a debate to be had — people believe it enough that the internet has produced a wealth of content about how to help men right the supposed imbalance in their relationships with women.
In theory, this is one of those articles. The phrase “how to get her in the mood” just makes a kind of cultural sense that “how to get him in the mood” kind of… doesn’t. The implication here being that men are always ready to get it on at the drop of a hat, while women need to be coaxed, cajoled and possibly tricked into being sexually aroused.
But the old notion of female arousal being such an uphill battle really doesn’t square with the landscape of modern sexuality.
In the wake of several waves of feminist thought drastically shifting the paradigm when it comes to women owning their desire, the online dating app-fueled rise of hookup culture, the increasingly flexible approaches people are taking to monogamy and the incredible popularity and ease of attaining high-tech sex toys, today’s women are far cries from the prudes, scolds and frigid schoolmarms they were so often painted as in the past.
Still, that doesn’t mean every woman out there is now some sort of sexual dynamo. If you’re reading this article, there’s a good chance you’re in (or were in) a relationship where the female partner wasn’t as sex-inclined as the male partner — which isn’t fun for either person involved.
In order to explore how to address female arousal, AskMen spoke to a handful of genuine sex experts. Here’s what they had to say on the subject:
What to Know About Getting Her in the Mood
Before we get to any tips or tricks for how to get her in the mood, it’s important to first know what we’re talking about when we talk about getting someone aroused.
The first thing you should know? There may not be any quick fixes here.
“Women don’t have on/off switches,” says Kayla Lords, sexpert for JackandJillAdult.com. “Getting her in the mood isn’t about finding the right button and like magic, she’s down for sex. While that might work for some women, others need much more — time, flirtation, communication, arousal, whatever.”
In addition to their sexual arousal process typically taking longer than a man’s, there’s also the reality that some women have relatively low sex drives, whether naturally or in part due to past traumas.
That being said, it’s possible the issue is less ingrained and more to do with your specific chemistry and interactions. If that’s the case, there are a number of different things to keep in mind.
First and foremost: the importance of sexual foreplay.
“Extended foreplay is essential to getting a woman fully in the mood for sex,” says Mackenzie Riel, sex and dating expert for adult novelty and romance retailer TooTimid.com. “Foreplay doesn’t have to be out there or wild, but it involves a lot of kissing and exploring each other’s bodies before actually getting down and dirty.”
“However,” she notes, “foreplay is also not just one thing; there are many things you can do to extend and spice up foreplay. It could be anything from kissing and dry humping, to using outercourse toys to get her warmed up for penetration.”
It’s important not to over-tease, though.
“Teasing is good to a degree, but if you’re using it as your primary tactic, then it becomes more taunting than sexy,” adds Riel. “Caressing different parts of her body, and varying your speeds is a better way to keep her wondering what naughty things lie in store. [If anything, you should] overdo the amount that you touch her, especially during a steamy pre-sex make out session.”
For Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the @SexWithDrJess podcast, physical stimulation can take a backseat to its psychological counterpart.
“Oftentimes, we’re so focused on the physical (e.g. touch techniques) that we forget that our brain is the most powerful sex organ,” she says. Instead, she suggests looking into what she calls your partner’s “core erotic feeling.”
“This is the feeling they require in order to potentially get in the mood for sex,” notes O’Reilly. “Each person’s is different. Do they need to feel loved in order to have sex? Do they need to feel sexy? Do they need to feel desired, safe, appreciated, challenged or relaxed? Once you know how they need to feel, you can go out of your way to address their emotional needs as much as their physical.”
Another important thing to keep in mind — in keeping with the notion of core erotic feelings — is that arousal happens differently for different people, and that makes communication all the more important.
“What worked for your last partner doesn’t necessarily work for a new partner,” says Lords. “When in doubt, ask. Talk about it. Be open to trying new things. When you give your current partner what she wants and needs, she’ll be in the mood for sex much more often.”
Finally, it’s important to remember that you can’t necessarily expect your partner to randomly get horny, especially if your current life circumstances aren’t that conducive to sexual feelings.
“Desire does not always occur spontaneously,” says O’Reilly says. “Sometimes you have to create desire, and responsive desire is the norm for many people. There is nothing wrong with you if you don’t spontaneously want sex and need to get aroused before you experience desire.”
How to Get Her in the Mood
1. Try Using Sex Toys or Other Adult Products
Throwing money at a problem might seem like a quick band-aid fix, but there’s a reason people actually do buy sex toys and products — to help improve your sex life. Lords suggests letting your partner know “it’s OK if she brings her vibrator to bed,” while Riel says it’s OK to introduce “a tingling lube into the mix during foreplay.”
“Rather than fully fingering her or giving oral, try rubbing a cooling or tingling lube along her clit, varying speeds to tease her into arousal,” she adds. “This move is intimate, but will surely get her turned on in no time.”
2. Try Roleplaying
If your sex life has been feeling a bit stale lately, sexual roleplay could be exactly what you need to breath some life back into it. It’ll give you an opportunity to live out some kinky fantasies in a safe and fun way.
“You both may have thought about it, but never actually put it into play,” says Riel. “Ask her if she would have any interest in doing so, make it an open dialogue so both of you can express what types of roleplay you may desire to try.”
3. Extend Your Time With Foreplay
If foreplay has typically been a few minute affair for you, it might be time to re-imagine what foreplay can be.
“Your body is not a light switch,” says O’Reilly. “Foreplay [shouldn’t] begin in the bedroom. […] You can’t go from talking about your parents or taxes to tearing one another’s clothes off in a matter of seconds.”
Instead, make foreplay an all-day affair, slowly building up to a climactic moment later on.
“Start long before you’re ready to get naked,” suggests Lords. “Many women need more than five minutes of kissing and flirting to be down for sex. […] Find moments to be intimate with your clothes on — kissing, holding hands, stroking her hair, etc.”
4. Try Sexting Eachother
Of course, if you’re like many modern couples, you might not actually get to spend that much time together. If that’s the case, it might be time to port your foreplay to the digital domain with some casual sexting.
Sexting during the day can be a great way to build anticipation for a sex session later on.
“Send messages communicating your desire for your lover — not your desire for sex, but your desire specifically for them,” says O’Reilly.
5. Ask Her Exactly What She Wants
While the above suggestions can make for great sexual experiences, not all of them will work for everyone (and some might find all four of them ho-hum). That’s why the best advice for how to get a woman in the mood is, well, to ask her.
“Talk about what she needs,” says Lords. “The easiest way to help your partner get into the mood for sex is to ask her what she needs. Maybe she needs quiet time after work. Maybe she’d like a shower … or for you to take a shower.”
Communication is key, people. When in doubt, talk it out.
“If they’re not in the mood, ask them if you can help to put them in the mood,” explains O’Reilly “This doesn’t mean that they’ll necessarily get in the mood, but ask them if they’re open to trying. It’s not your job entirely, but you can be a part of the process — so talk in advance about what they need in order to get in the mood when it doesn’t strike spontaneously.”
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