Here’s What You Should Know About BDSM

Curious About BDSM? Here’s What You Should Know About It

More or less everyone has different sexual fetishes and kinks that turn them on, and that’s OK.

But societally, we often agree that some are more common and deem these “normal” while others are seen as more risqué, strange or intense.

That’s often the case with sex acts that fall under the banner of BDSM, an approach to sex that’s gotten more visible in the past decade thanks in no small part to the success of the Fifty Shades of Grey books and movies.

Now, the idea that handcuffs, blindfolds and rope might be part of someone’s sex life isn’t as surprising as it might have been before. But BDSM is much more than just a list of products you can buy — and in fact, you don’t need any special toys or gadgets at all in order to participate in it.

So what is BDSM really? In order to get to the truth of the matter, AskMen spoke with a number of sex experts. Here’s what they had to say:

What Is BDSM?

“BDSM is an umbrella turn for a variety of kinky activities and fetishes,” says Kayla Lords, co-host of the Loving BDSM podcast. “The letters stand for multiple things: Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism.”

“Within each of those are a variety of acts that exist on a spectrum from a little to a lot, from not very intense to extremely intense,” Lords adds. “In general, within all parts of BDSM, someone gives or provides the action, sensation, or moment while someone else receives. Depending on the type of role you take on, you may be known as a Top or Dominant or a bottom or submissive.”

From this perspective, BDSM is “a type of sexual play that involves the use of power dynamics between two or more participants,” says Stephen Quaderer, creator of Headero, a sexuality and gender-inclusive connection app for people who love oral pleasure. “It can involve physical restraint, sensory deprivation, role-playing, and other activities to create sensations of pain, pleasure, and control.”

“BDSM has become increasingly prominent in recent years, as it is a way to explore and express our sexual selves in a consensual and safe manner,” Quaderer notes. “For those into these dynamics, BDSM can be a sexual wonderland — where all manner of sexual fantasies can be explored in a shame-free, safe, and consensual space (unless shame is your and your partners’ kink — then shame away!).”

While BDSM may have a reputation or perception as shocking, extreme or twisted, that’s not how it feels to participants, Quaderer says.

“To many in the BDSM space, the core of BDSM is trust,” he explains. “It’s a dynamic where a person allows themselves to become vulnerable to their partner, with the trust that their partner will reciprocate with trust in turn. For BDSM participants, it is a genuinely affirming act of care and love. Mixed in with all manner of kink and sex. What’s not to like!?”

The History of BDSM

“The history of the dynamics underpinning BDSM goes back a long way,” says Quaderer. “Using sex to toy with (and challenge!) societal conventions of power, humiliation, pain and pleasure has been recorded throughout history in many different societies and civilizations (everything from medieval manuscripts, to Grecian urns and the Kama Sutra).”

“However,” Quaderer notes, “the grouping of these related concepts under a single umbrella was popularized in the 1970s, as many people began to explore and experiment with different types of sexual activities, and forming communities and clubs around these ideas.”

“The term BDSM itself was first recorded in 1991 (on, of course, the internet),” he adds. “Since then, the BDSM community has blossomed, both online and in-real life — allowing kinksters and those in the BDSM ‘lifestyle’ the ability to connect and support one another, and of course explore their sexual selves!”

Still, despite progress in how it’s seen, BDSM hasn’t ever been mainstream — which sexologist Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast, believes is a core part of how it’s developed.

“Kinky sex and BDSM have been relegated to the margins,” she says. “BDSM has long been judged and even pathologized. Accordingly, folks who enjoy BDSM have come together to form a community of support (and friendship, pleasure, camaraderie, etc.). I think this has played a significant role in BDSM becoming a specific ‘thing.’”

Knowing If You Might Be Into BDSM

Given the fact that it’s so often portrayed as outside the mainstream or not normal, getting into BDSM is often a process where you need to push through negative messages you’ve heard about BDSM first.

This can mean that it takes some time to recognize that you are into BDSM after all. So if you’ve never explored it before, how can you know if BDSM is right for you?

“BDSM spans a broad spectrum of desires, fantasies and activities,” says O’Reilly. “Most people likely enjoy some form of BDSM.”

So let’s explore some possibilities:

If You’re Curious About BDSM

Maybe the fact that you’re reading this article to begin with is a sign. That’s because “Curiosity around BDSM is itself a great sign you might be into BDSM,” says Quaderer.

If You Find Vanilla Sex Boring

“If you find ‘typical’ sex boring or unsatisfying, you may be into BDSM, although sex isn’t required to enjoy or engage in BDSM,” says Lords. “However, many people realize they’re kinky when what mainstream culture tells them they ‘should’ be into and enjoy sexually just doesn’t work for them.”

If You Get Aroused by Situations of Control

“You might also realize you’re into BDSM (outside of a sexual situation) if you find yourself intrigued or aroused by seeing people tied up or controlled in some way or fantasizing about being in situations where you have all the control or give it all up,” says Lords.

“While some people figure out they might be kinky and into BDSM by watching kinky porn or reading erotica, some realize their kinks by wishing they were in the place of a fictional character in a movie or book that isn’t erotic at all,” she adds.

If You Get Off on Some or All of the Below

“If you’re into spanking, bondage, role-play or physical sensation play during sex,” says Quaderer, “you’ve got some pretty strong signals that BDSM might be right up your alley.”

To this list, O’Reilly adds:

If you like sensual play (e.g. with temperature or textures)
If you enjoy a little rough play
If you like soft, gentle teasing
If you enjoy sensory deprivation (e.g. blindfolds) or sensory overload
If you like to talk dirty
If you like to play different roles and/or dress up

Basically, O’Reilly says, “If you fantasize about scenarios that go beyond monogamous intercourse in the dark, you may be into BDSM.”

“I’d say most people are into some form of BDSM,” she says. “Not everyone will identify as kinky, but it;’s likely that almost everyone can enjoy some form of kink and BDSM.”

BDSM Dos and Don’ts

Don’t Pressure Anyone Else Into BDSM

“Definitely do not pressure your partner (or anyone for that matter) to engage in BDSM or in any related activities or practices,” Quaderer says. “Enthusiastic consent is the way here — if they’re not eager to give it a go, don’t push them.”

…and Don’t Pressure Yourself Into BDSM

“On the flip side,” Quaderer says, “don’t engage in activities that you don’t want to! It’s your body, your sexual autonomy and your experience — do what you love (or lust). Don’t feel pressure to do something that you’re not comfortable with!”

Do Talk About It — a Lot

“Make sure to establish and communicate clear boundaries, limits, and expectations,” says Quaderer. “Communicate before, during and after the scene (including using your safe word) to make sure you are respecting your partner(s)’ boundaries and are meeting their needs and expectations.”

Don’t Assume You’re on the Same Page

It can be a bad idea to “assume that other people know what you mean when you talk about kinks,” Lords says. “Every aspect of BDSM is extremely personal and individualized. Labels, titles, and kinks can mean different things to different people.”

Do Research Kink Activities Before You Try Them

“There are tons of videos, books, podcasts, and blogs out there,” says Lords. “Fetlife can be a good resource, too.” O’Reilly suggests this course on kinky skills.

Don’t Presume Consent

“Don’t assume you have consent just because someone agreed to get kinky previously,” says Lords. “Always check in, make sure everyone involved knows what you plan to do, and make sure everyone’s into it.”

Do Use Safe Words… But Don’t Over-Rely on Them

“Talk about safe words and how BDSM play can stop — but don’t rely on a safe word alone,” says Lords. “In the heat of the moment, a partner might forget the safe word or be unable to speak. When in doubt, stop all play to check in with each other.”

Don’t Believe Fictional Representations of BDSM

“Don’t assume that what you see on TV or in the movies is what BDSM looks like in real life,” O’Reilly cautions. “There are so many ways to explore BDSM, and oftentimes pop culture representations are laden with harmful stereotypes.”

Do Get Intersectional

It’s a good idea to “consider the ways in which identity can affect experiences of BDSM,” O’Reilly notes. She suggests checking out this resource on the intersection of race and kink for more.

Don’t Assume That BDSM Veterans Know More Than You

Just “because someone has been practicing BDSM for longer than you,” O’Reilly notes, doesn’t mean “that they’re inevitably more learned.”

“They may have more experience,” she says, “but you know your body, needs and boundaries best.”

Do Go Slow

“You don’t have to do everything at once,” says O’Reilly. “So take your time to learn, experiment and add new elements a little at a time.”

“BDSM isn’t a race and there is no finish line,” Lords agrees. “You don’t have to do all the things at once, so take your time and make sure you have an idea of what you’re doing — and that you understand the risks — before you begin.”

Don’t Be Ashamed of Your Desires

“Whatever you desire — from sensual play to degradation,” O’Reilly says, “give yourself permission to fantasize and explore without inhibition. You don’t have to understand and explain the root of every desire — you can simply indulge in all your desires for the sake of pleasure itself.”

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The Couples’ Guide to Getting Kinky
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Source: AskMen