Feeling A Little Vanilla? Don’t Be Afraid To Try These Ten Halloween-Themed Positions…
The time has come to breathe new life into Halloween — to replace the confectionary-fueled fun you enjoyed as a kid with the pheromone-laced action you want as an adult. After all, you probably won’t be spending All Hallows’ Eve donning masks and egging cars outside the house, so shouldn’t you at least be releasing your inner demons inside the bedroom? This is something that is easily done with the help from some evil Halloween sex positions. So, while we’ll happily leave the Kama Sutra to hippies, yoga nerds and people who treat scented candles as a lifestyle, those of us more partial to dancing with devils in the pale moonlight will be generating shrieks and moans this year courtesy of the following Halloween sex positions.
1. The Trough
Listen, there’s a lot from The Walking Dead you don’t want to involve in your sex life. I mean, if you’ve seen the show [minor spoilers ahead] you’ll probably never look at barns the same way, and frankly I’m not sure you’ll want to make your next family vacation a camping trip either.
On the other hand, nothing says sexy like the “trough” scene from season five’s premiere “No Sanctuary,” right? Start by having your partner kneel, and then gently but firmly tie her hands behind her back, and her ankles (use something more comfortable than zap-ties, though) just like all the real characters from the show did! Now at this point you’re probably saying, “Holy Hell AskMen! You’re not about to suggest we then [somewhat less minor spoiler ahead] attempt to brutally murder our partner, are you?”
Well, good news! We’re not. Instead, what we suggest instead is sitting on a chair (extra points if your chair is actually a trough) in front of her and then have her give you hands-free oral sex, just like the characters on the show didn’t! Just make sure she’s not a “biter” though.
“I’m getting pretty turned on right now.”
2. The Ghost Rider
In general, we have a firm policy at AskMen of not allowing Nicolas Cage to even be peripherally related to our sex lives, but we’re going to compromise our principles this one time. Before you start writing us letters about this one, we want to make it clear that we’re not suggesting you set your partner’s head on fire while she’s faced the other way in doggy style — that would fall under a “Mike Tyson Sex Positions.” No, the Ghost Rider is much more humane, though slightly tougher on the eyes. The way it works is that when the female is riding the male, the man puts a white sheet over her head — all while resisting the overwhelming urge to cue up the Ghostbusters theme on his stereo.
The sex will be so good, your head might explode.
3. Grave Robber
The key to this Halloween sex position is finding a successful mix between the sexual thrill of robbery and the somewhat unappealing odor of putrid human innards. The way it works is that you wait for your girlfriend to fall asleep, then you ransack your laundry hamper and surround her with dirty, dank clothes to mimic the atmosphere of a grave. Once you’ve buried your corpse — er, partner — you give her the unexpected thrill of luring her back into consciousness with oral sex.
4. Tail in the Crypt
Let’s face it: The first thing that comes to mind when you project sexual deviancy on a high-pitched decomposing corpse is Michael Jackson; but don’t worry, our carnal take on the famous Tales from the Crypt TV series is much more legal. In this Halloween sex position, you and your partner make your way under your bed (the “crypt”) and engage in anal sex (the “tail”) — we leave it up to you (the “crypt keeper”) to decided whether or not you’d like to annoyingly stimulate your partner with scratches to her back. This is one only works if you have a sincere appreciation for early 90s horror cinema, though.
5. The Scarecrow
A little bondage never (seriously) hurt anyone, and this sex position is no different. One partner is strapped to a cross-brace and must act as if they have no skeletal system; the other partner gets to enjoy the benefits of having someone strapped to a cross-brace in front of them. That involves groping, teasing, prodding, and just about anything else you want, just as soon as you get those cumbersome overalls unhooked. Best of all, when you are done, there’s all that straw to help clean up.
6. Bobbing for Boobies
Is Barb Wire a Halloween movie? Well, for the purposes of this list, you bet it is! This sex position is pretty self-explanatory: Fill up a bathtub with two or more breasts, stick your hands behind your back, and bob your head in until you catch yourself an endorphin rush.
Mostly, we liked this movie for the plot though.
7. Sleepy Bat
Courtesy of the public education system and some unpleasant personal experiences, we are extremely aware that it is unwise to put unprotected genitals anywhere near a sleeping bat — that is, unless, your partner has assumed the role of a blind, flying carnivore for the evening. In this Halloween sex position, your partner will require a stable pull-up bar or shower pole on which to hang upside down. Once she is comfortably locked in, position your mouths at each others’ genitals and engage in 69-ing until the sunlight comes up (or the blood rushing to her head causes your partner to pass out).
*Proper decorum means we had to pick a bat movie for this one, but Spiderman (2002) could easily have won out, thanks to the famous inverted kiss.
8. Night of the F*cking Dead
Squirming, convulsing and moaning isn’t something that only happens at Jack in the Box — case in point: “Night of the F*cking Dead.” In this ingenious brain-dead Halloween sex position, partners start off in a standard missionary position, but once the male has comfortably entered the female, that’s when things really get dumb — er, fun. Specifically, neither partner is allowed to use their arms or legs to support themselves during intercourse, leaving both sex-starved individuals to be grunting, struggling and shaking in order to get off.
If you rewatch carefully, you’ll realize that George A. Romero’s classic is basically a porno.
9. The Monster Mash
Only a blindfolded eunuch could watch Godzilla movies and not get riled up by the overwhelming sexual tension between Mothra and the radioactive lizard. That’s why we’re suggesting you and your partner try out the “Monster Mash” this Halloween. The premise is simple, but potentially expensive, depending on the cost of the outfit you’re willing to invest in. Go down the costume shop, pick out costumes for you and your partner, then cut out sections around the genitals in each costume; unless you’re Paris Hilton, we assume you possess the mental powers to deduce the nasty act that should follow.
“Those two need to just f*ck and get it over with.”
10. Pumpkin Head
Jack-o’-lanterns are supposed to act as guides for lost spirits in the night. But in our twisted minds, they act as beacons for downright nasty things. While your girl is painting her face with orange and black makeup, you’ll cut a hole in a box to act as the table. Your girl will kneel down with her pumpkin-looking head poking out of the hole. You’ll stand in front of her, aim for the gaping black grin and put a candle of a different kind into the mouth of this jack-o’-lantern.
11. Witch’s Brew
Wart of mute child, eye of albino newt… unless you’re Prince or Charlie Sheen, this stuff probably doesn’t turn you on. But here for Halloween is the first-ever sexy witch’s brew. Though swingers would probably have an easier time accomplishing this one, but your girlfriend and the girl she kissed in college will hopefully suffice. The key to this position is all in the setup (and Halloween’s lack of inhibitions): Fill a hot tub with brown food coloring, novelty eyeballs, Gothic candles, and two revved-up bisexual females. The bonus in this one is the post-witch’s brew shower, in which you’ll either get to clean your partners or sit back and watch evil take its course.
In all likelihood, your girlfriend’s reaction when you suggest this.