Why Some People Hate Performing Oral Sex, Explained
Is Your Partner Reluctant to Go Down on You? Here Are 7 Possible Reasons Why
Is Your Partner Reluctant to Go Down on You? Here Are 7 Possible Reasons Why
Asking a partner for any kind of sex act and being turned down can be a tough blow to the ego.
It can make you feel unattractive, unwanted and confused. You might ask yourself: Is there something wrong with me? Why are we together if they don’t want to do this? Why will they do other things with me but not this one in particular.
It’s understandable to want your sexual needs and preferences met by your partner. However, respecting boundaries is an essential part of any healthy relationship, and if it’s a no, it’s a no. Sexual consent is about what people are excited and enthusiastic to do with you, not bullying someone into relenting to your demands.
That being said, if someone you’re sleeping with or otherwise romantically involved with isn’t interested in giving you blowjobs, it’s perfectly normal to want to understand more about their reasons. You might see a blowjob as being ‘no big deal’ or less serious than penetrative sex, or simply see it as a normal, fun, sexy part of a relationship.
But if your partner is hesitant, reluctant or outright refuses to go down on you, clearly, they don’t see it the same way. If you’re not comfortable asking outright or don’t want to push the issue, you might be curious. AskMen spoke to a handful of sex experts and people who don’t enjoy giving blowjobs. Here’s what they had to say:
1. They Learned It Was “Wrong” or “Dirty”
The messages we receive about sex in our formative years tend to shape us.
“Some people struggle to give oral sex because they grew up with messages that this was a dirty or wrong act,” explains Dr. Jenni Skyler, an LMFT- and AASECT-certified sex therapist for AdamEve.com.
If your partner grew up in a conservative household or frequently heard that giving oral sex was dirty or unnatural, it could affect them in the present.
“I grew up in a Catholic household, where any sexual act that wasn’t within marriage and wouldn’t lead to babies was considered this big sin,” says Kathy, 32. “I have still never tried it, even though I’m not a Catholic anymore.”
2. They Don’t Like the Fluids
Because almost all penile orgasms include an ejaculation of semen, giving a blowjob is usually a bit of a messy business.
For some people, that’s exciting, but not for everyone. If this is something your partner has been open with you about, offering to restrict the fluid exchange may be an appropriate topic to discuss.
“If it’s about the fluids, let’s get creative to avoid those, with condoms, dental dams, or just a quick warning before someone cums,” says Skyler.
“I’m fine with oral when it’s foreplay, but I hate giving blowjobs to completion,” says Lottie, 25. “It’s not just about the semen. It’s also the anxiety of not knowing when it’s going to happen or how much there will be this time.”
3. They Find Blowjobs Tiring
The word “blowjob” includes the word “job” for a reason. Compared to cunnilingus, it’s a much more physically taxing act.
“The person may not enjoy giving oral sex because they experience jaw pain, especially if they are performing oral sex on a penis,” says Dr. Lee Phillips, psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist. “Oral sex requires a lot of movement with the mouth, whether you are performing oral sex on a penis or vulva.”
“I feel like men don’t understand how exhausting blow jobs are,” says Avery, 24. “Like I’m in actual pain after 10 minutes and just want it to be over with.”
As well as moving their necks up and down and potentially using their hands to stimulate the shaft, depending on how big your penis is, holding their mouth wide open for long periods of time may be part of the exhaustion as this could also result in jaw pain.
4. They’re Concerned They Don’t Have the Skills
Feeling inexperienced can also be a barrier. The person may be nervous and fear they will not pleasure their partner, essentially suffering from performance anxiety.
“Some people struggle because they lack the confidence in their skills to deliver pleasure and avoid it because they don’t want to look incompetent,” says Skyler.
5. Your Hygiene Is Lacking
If you expect someone to take your penis in their mouth and suck on it for any period of time, it’s usually a good idea to make sure that you’re well-groomed down there. (And, let’s face it, without proper attention, crotches often become sweaty and then smelly in short order.)
Having a nicely groomed and appealing crotch could entail making sure you’re nice and clean and smelling fresh, and/or that you’ve done some maintenance on your pubic hair.
“Some people like a full bush of pubic hair below, while others like it trimmed or smooth,” says Phillips.
6. They’ve Experienced Trauma From Past Partners
Unfortunately, some guys try to force their partners to give them oral. Besides potentially being a criminal act, this kind of non-consensual behavior is a terrible thing to do to someone, and it can easily lead to a person never wanting to perform oral again.
If they’ve had unpleasant or traumatic experiences with having a penis shoved in their mouth or pushed deeper than they were comfortable with without warning, your partner may associate blowjobs with fear, stress and discomfort rather than seeing them as pleasurable.
If that’s the case, it’s incredibly important to be understanding and respect their boundaries on the matter.
7. They Just Don’t Want To
Some people don’t have a specific reason why they don’t want to give oral sex. It’s OK to prefer not to, and that should be respected.
“It might just be that we need to honor each person’s boundaries,” says Skyler.
Sex is supposed to be fun and feel good, and it can’t be consensual and enjoyable unless all parties involved are having a nice time. So if blowjobs are a no-go for your partner, that might feel disappointing, but you’ll have to live with it.
Oral Sex Alternatives
If your partner isn’t down to go down on you, you can still talk about what else they’d be comfortable with to scratch the itch.
“Discuss with your partner other sexual acts you want to try,” Phillips suggests. “Ask them if there are other ways they would be interested in pleasuring you.”
This could include things like penetrative sex, handjobs, mutual masturbation, and solo or partnered sex toy use.
For instance, there are plenty of toys on the market that simulate oral that your partner can use with you. There’s the well-known Autoblow line, the LELO F1S V2, and Phillips recommends the VeDO Hummer 2.0 for men and other penis owners.
If that’s too high-tech for your liking (or your budget), Skylar recommends using a simple masturbation sleeve.
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Source: AskMen
