You love him, but you also can’t carry the load of all his baggage, so maybe it is time to dump the extra weight.
By Kelly P. Crossing
Last updated on Sep 06, 2023
Photo: ProArtWork, Satrio Ramadhan | Canva
Sometimes, as much as you want to be in a relationship, it just won’t work out. Though it may be painful in the moment, there’s nothing wrong with that.
If your guy demonstrates he is not ready for a committed relationship, you should probably consider moving on. Just remember, there are plenty of other choices for romance out there for you.
So, if you want a committed relationship, why not have it with a great guy instead of one that will bring you down?
Here are 10 totally legit reasons why you need to dump a man:
1. He’s not managing his mental illness.
There is no reason, of course, why those with mental disorders can’t have meaningful, healthy relationships, and they do all the time! Maybe he suffers from PTSD, or bipolar disorder, or OCD, or something else. But having a disorder and managing it are two very different things. If you’re with someone who isn’t taking positive, outward steps to control the negative effects of a disorder, it could be quite a rough relationship for you.
2. He isn’t taking care of his hygiene.
If his personal hygiene is in the dumps (he doesn’t brush his teeth or take care of his breath, or maybe he goes days and days on end without taking a quick shower, this should be a red flag. Of course, this is something he can change — but if he’s not willing to take care of this most basic task, it might be time to talk with him about his mental health. Poor hygiene is often a sign of deeper problems. If he isn’t willing to look deeper at this issue, you might want to end things now.
3. He lacks a drive, motivation, or any ambitions.
Does he know where he’s going in life, or is he drifting through life? You will probably feel a lot better about your relationship if you’re with someone who has an idea of where he’s going in life and what he wants to do.
4. He has really low self-esteem.
If he’s always feeling sorry for himself and can’t talk about much else, you’re with a guy who most likely has super-low self-esteem. While there’s no shame in that, and there are ways to work through the issue. Low self-esteem in your partner can be a lot of baggage for you to carry in the relationship. Either get him to start addressing his issue or move on.
5. He expects you to comply with standard gender roles.
A guy who’s obsessive about social stereotypes and gender roles can make a relationship very unpleasant for you. This is an early warning he’ll probably try to control all of your behavior. It could also mean he’s insecure about who he is as a person. Make sure you know what you want and need before committing to this type of relationship!
6. He’s caught in a spiral of negativity.
Sure, it happens to the best of us; things don’t go the way we planned, and we get upset and a little bleak. However, someone who perpetually has a negative attitude about everything, one who is always focused on his problems (big or small) and not focused on the solutions to those problems, can be a drain that brings you down.
7. He’s not passionate about anything.
He’s got hobbies, or he has a good job, or he occasionally reads books. But he’s not passionate about anything. Nothing lights his fire and makes him get up and say, “I’m going to do this no matter what!” Nothing lights up his eyes. A man without passion is possibly suffering from depression or other concerns. Like personal hygiene, this can be a sign of deeper issues in need of discussion. If he refuses to entertain the topic, it is not a problem you can solve.
8. He has strong feelings (good or bad) about his ex.
Whether he has strongly positive feelings or strongly negative feelings for an ex — that’s a bad sign. It means he hasn’t completely moved on, so this puts more baggage on your shoulders.
9. He can’t empathize with you.
He doesn’t try to understand you on a deep level — he doesn’t try to “get” your perspective and your point of view. Instead, it’s all about him and he doesn’t empathize with you … ever. And that means he probably won’t apologize for anything he does (unless he’s using his apology as a form of manipulation). Do you really want to live this way? Probably not.
10. He strongly disagrees with your opinion on whether or not you want kids.
Either he wants them and you don’t, or you want them and he doesn’t. Whichever it is, this relationship probably won’t work out since both of you want something completely different — and it’s something REALLY important to you both. Assuming one of you will change your mind down the road is a big risk you probably should avoid.
Relationships are tough, and the baggage we bring along with us into the relationship is a big part of the struggle. We can find ways to face the struggle and deal with the issues at hand, but at the end of the day, if the person you are trying to build love with is not willing to put in the self-work or the relationship work, then they are probably not the right one for you!
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Kelly P. Crossing is an experienced counselor and relationship expert who specializes in helping women build the lives and relationships they want by understanding their driving needs and how to meet them.