What Is Vanilla Sex?
People Talk About ‘Vanilla’ Sex a Lot — But What Is It, Really? And Is It So Bad?
People Talk About ‘Vanilla’ Sex a Lot — But What Is It, Really? And Is It So Bad?
Learning what you prefer in bed is a personal journey. There’s no one-size-fits-all best style of sex that’s going to make everyone out there happy.
But figuring out what you like in bed — what your sexual fantasies are — can be fun, kind of like trying out different flavors of ice cream before you find the one that best suits your taste.
In the ice cream world, vanilla is usually viewed as a default flavor — a classic that can be mixed or topped off with a variety of seemingly endless possibilities. Some people will see it as boring and not worth it, but others will feel that it’s pretty good all on its own.
Vanilla sex is similar to vanilla ice cream in that way. It refers to sex in its most basic form. There’s nothing wrong with vanilla sex, just like there’s no shame in preferring a different “flavor” of sex if you will.
Not sure if vanilla sex is for you? Here’s everything you need to know about vanilla sex to get you familiar with all the pros and cons.
What Is Vanilla Sex?
The term vanilla sex has expanded to be more of an umbrella term over the years, but originally had a pretty bland definition true to its name.
“Vanilla sex typically refers to the heterosexual penis-in-vagina intercourse, most often in missionary position,” explains Jenni Skyler, PhD, LMFT, C-PST, resident therapist for AdamEve.com and licensed marriage and family therapist and internationally certified sex therapist with the International Association of Psychosexual Therapists (IAPST).
Urban Dictionary’s definition is a bit more inclusive, filing any sex that isn’t rough, kinky, or inclusive of toys and props as vanilla sex.
Another characteristic that’s typically associated with vanilla sex is the shared power dynamic. Unlike BDSM or rough sex, where one partner is in control or dominant, vanilla sex focuses on shared power and mutual pleasure rather than letting one partner call the shots.
What Are the Benefits of Vanilla Sex?
One of the main benefits of having vanilla sex is its wide appeal.
“Many couples fit into this category and enjoy this style of sex for both intimacy and pleasure,” Skyler explains.
Vanilla sex is simple, typically straightforward enough to execute that for many couples, vanilla sex ends up being sort of the default style of sex.
Vanilla sex is also a beneficial sexual mode for people who are sexually inexperienced or for partners who are new to having sex with one another and may be in the early stages of exploring one another’s bodies.
Since vanilla sex focuses on mutual pleasure and shared power, it’s a very approachable mode of sex to have when partners haven’t yet discussed taking sex further by adding toys or power dynamics.
What Are the Drawbacks of Vanilla Sex?
While vanilla sex is often thought of as a “default” mode for sex in its simplest form, it’s not something that every person or couple may enjoy. There’s nothing wrong with another type of sex being your go-to if that’s what both you and your partner most enjoy.
That said, one obvious drawback of vanilla sex is that it can start to feel routine and lack adventure — especially if you’re only doing it in one position.
As Skyler explains, if one partner objects to vanilla sex while the other enjoys having it, it can become a source of conflict.
“Sometimes the objection to vanilla sex is boredom, and sometimes the objection is to sexual contact in general,” she explains. “This is often a symptom of deeper relationship struggles that need to be communicated and worked through.”
What to Do If One Partner’s Vanilla & the Other’s Kinky
Having different preferences when it comes to sexual styles is not uncommon — but it can be difficult to navigate in the context of a relationship.
“A middle ground compromise is very possible and requires communication of each person’s desires and boundaries,” Skyler explains.
When a mismatch like this occurs, Skyler advises couples to try dedicating a few nights per month to vanilla sex, a few nights to kinky sex, and leaving a few nights open to be a healthy combination of both elements.
“The main objective here is to ensure that both parties are coming from a place of generosity for their partner even if their arousal level isn’t matched,” Skyler explains. “As long as there is space for each partner to have their needs met and experience arousal, a mixed, vanilla and kink relationship can work.”
Another option could be filling out a Yes/No/Maybe list together. While you’re likely to see many aspects of sex not overlapping, it might enable you to find the few spots that work for both partners.
In any case, vanilla sex tends to have a negative connotation associated with it, but Skyler urges couples who enjoy this type of sex to embrace it.
“I think it’s destructive to shame any type of sex,” she says. “There needs to be space for everyone to enjoy what they enjoy.”
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Source: AskMen
