Understanding Erotic Blueprints and How It Could Completely Alter Your Sexual Habits
How Knowing Your Erotic Blueprint Could Seemingly Put an End to Bedroom Shame
How Knowing Your Erotic Blueprint Could Seemingly Put an End to Bedroom Shame
If you ask the average guy with an underwhelming sex life why things aren’t better for him in bed, what would he answer? That his partner’s no fun, that he can’t find the right person, that his penis is not big enough?
Any of those might be true in any given guy’s situation, but one thing that he’s probably not too likely to admit right off the bat is whether he’s ashamed about the whole idea of sex.
Unfortunately, feelings of anxiety, confusion, doubt, guilt, and shame abound for lots of guys when it comes to sex, regardless of what it is they are into or what past bedroom experiences might have been like.
Because sex is such a private thing that’s associated with strong feelings but often very little factual information, a single negative encounter or experience can lead to a subsequent lifetime of complex negative emotions around it.
Too many guys spend significant chunks of their lives experiencing a love-hate relationship when it comes to sex and desire, ultimately loving the feeling while feeling horrible about it before, after, or even during.
To dive a little deeper into the topic as a whole, AskMen spoke to Court Vox, a sex educator and intimacy consultant, about the walls of shame some men feel around sex, as well as a fascinating framework for communicating your needs in the bedroom — think love languages, but for sex.
Speaking on the concept of these five erotic blueprints — sexual, sensual, kinky, energetic, and shapeshifter — can you explain how they work?
Court Vox: You can think of the erotic blueprints as sort of your erotic love language. While you might identify with specific love languages, your erotic blueprints might be vastly different, acknowledging that how you love to be loved and what turns you on have a connection, but are often not one and the same.
The work pulls from Jack Morin’s concept of Core Erotic Themes, which identifies specific turn-ons in your erotic life and sexuality that are very deep rooted in your psyche and body. Interestingly enough, these core erotic themes rarely change over time. They may shift in how you play them out, but at their core, they remain steady.
How do you use the concept of erotic blueprints in your sex education practice?
I think the online test is a fun and informative exploration, although I don’t use it specifically with clients. I feel it’s worth exploring in real life, with your physical body to understand the actual application of, let’s say, kinky and energetic. Like, how do those two go together in a way that turns you on? In my work, I help clients explore the applications of the blueprints through embodied exercises and experiments.
How can not understanding your (or your partner’s) erotic persona lead to bad sex? And on the flip side, how can talking about your sexual needs, thoughts, desires, etc. lead to good sex?
Let’s say your partner is primarily sensual and you are more sexual. Your partner needs a mood, an atmosphere, a beautiful smell in the room, candles, a clean and beautiful bed, maybe some sexy talk, some music. What you need is none of this, so you go in guns a-blazing, ready to just do the deed. From this angle, you can see how this is disastrous, right?
I also want to point out that most women need on average 30 to 60 minutes of arousal before penetration, and no — just because she’s wet, doesn’t mean she’s ready. Hold on there, tiger! Also, ladies, some of your men need to be warmed up, too. If he’s not hard right out of the gate, it’s not a reflection of his interest in you. Give him some time, seduce him, allow him to feel safe enough to open to you too.
The difference in erotic blueprints can pose a challenge, or it can be an opportunity for experimentation. This is your opportunity to stretch yourself and your eroticism. While it may not be your core erotic theme, you might find a great deal of pleasure in attuning you your partner’s, and vis a vis. Talking about it is the first step.
Why do so many guys feel a sense of shame around sex?
This is a big question and I wish I had a single answer, but it’s really personal.
Religion, upbringing, lack of sexual education, lack of confidence, trauma (physical, sexual, emotional, cultural), heightened expectations from media, lack of connection to their body and desires, body image, cock size — the list goes on, [and] are all reasons men feel shame around sex.
How can guys get better at talking about their sexual needs, thoughts, and desires?
Practice in a safe container. My dad recently sent me this article that surveyed men and women. They were all asked, “What scares you the most about the other sex?” The No. 1 answer from women was “death.” Women were afraid of being killed by men. Let that sink in, it’s heavy!
The most common answer from men was “being shamed and ridiculed.” With this information, I think it’s important to agree with a partner/friend/fuck buddy, whoever it is, that when expressing desires, wishes, dreams, erotic insecurities that the person listening will listen without judgement and, even better, will celebrate and affirm your desires as interesting, beautiful, and worthy of receiving and exploring. And when it’s their turn to share, you give them the same attention and respect they gave you.
In short, practice sharing and practice listening. Notice your discomfort and turn-ons in both activities, and reflect. Also notice how the affirmation allows you and your partner to dig deeper and open even more. Permission to be your authentic self is a beautiful thing.
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Source: AskMen
