How to Introduce Sexual Variety
5 Basic Tips for Introducing a Little Sexual Variety to Your Relationship
5 Basic Tips for Introducing a Little Sexual Variety to Your Relationship
As the old adage goes, variety is the spice of life. Novel experiences make life more interesting, and that extends to the bedroom, too.
To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with vanilla sex or having your go-to positions that you and your partner enjoy and cycle through regularly.
But introducing novelty into your sex life can go a long way to keep the passion alive and make routine sex with your partner feel new and exciting.
Of course, introducing something new into your intimate life requires some care and consideration. To help, we’ve asked an expert and some real folks in long-term relationships to share their best advice for navigating variety in the bedroom.
Here’s what they had to say about how to introduce sexual variety into your relationship:
The Importance of Sexual Variety
What’s the point of shaking things up in the bedroom?
As Dr. Jenni Skyler, LMFT, certified sex therapist for AdamEve.com, it can go a long way towards keeping the flame burning between long-term partners.
“For many partners, sexual variety is important as the antidote to feeling stuck and stale,” Skyler explains. “The variety can fuel the eroticism in the relationship. It helps many people feel that monogamy is not monotonous.”
This was true for Mary, 36, and Ken, 40 — a married couple who’ve been together for over a decade.
“I noticed over time we both slowly stopped being as interested in sex as we were in our 20s and chalked it up to getting older,” Mary says. “During our last move, I came across an old version of the Kama Sutra that Ken and I bought when we first started dating in college. We decided to go through it and pick out some new positions.”
Combing through the Kama Sutra became a unifying activity for the couple, who would spend time in bed ear-marking the positions they both wanted to try. “I think seeing the variety of positions laid out in front of us like that made us realize how much we were limiting ourselves,” says Ken.
How to Introduce Sexual Variety into Your Relationship
Of course, whipping out a copy of the Kama Sutra might not work for every couple. Here are a few tips for bringing up the sexual variety conversation with your partner for the best results.
Choose the Right Time & Place to Talk
The timing of this type of conversation is just as important as what’s actually said.
“Invite your partner to a conversation when you are not having sex and not right before going to sleep,” Skyler recommends.
Bringing variety up right before or during sex can put pressure on your partner to accept whatever change you’re asking for at the moment, while talking about adding variety right after you finish the act can make even the most secure partner question their capabilities.
That’s why finding a neutral time and place (in private, at home, when you’re just hanging out) is most likely the best bet for having this conversation go well with your partner.
Frame the Conversation Positively
“Don’t lead with, ‘I’m bored with our sex life.’ Saying things are stale and boring is really different than saying, ‘I was thinking about a few new fun things I wanted to try in the bedroom. I’m wondering if you want to hear what I was considering?’” says Skyler.
Teeing up the convo this way comes at it from a fun, lighthearted angle rather than a critical one.
Start Small
Depending on how comfortable the two of you are with talking about sex, coming in hot with a long list of ideas is likely to be too much for your partner, so Skyler recommends starting small.
“Offer a list of three to five things to try so your partner can choose,” she says. Also, don’t be put off if they can only commit to one of the ideas on your list at first.
“Having a small list offers them choice without being overwhelmed,” Skyler explains. “If you have 10 or more items, this can feel daunting to the other person.”
Be Patient
No matter how positively you frame it, hearing that your partner wants more in the bedroom can be hard to swallow.
If your partner isn’t immediately on board, it doesn’t mean that they’ll never be. They may just need time to process the conversation.
Skyler recommends giving your partner time to think about your ideas and let some time pass before you revisit talking about what feels realistic and what might be too much.
Go Slow
Variety doesn’t always mean a new position or state-of-the-art sex toy.
“Start with changing up easy things like set and setting,” Skyler suggests. “Try a different time of day, different lighting, a different room, a different playlist.”
If your partner is up for it, introducing simple sensory objects like ice, blindfolds, or even chocolate can add variety without feeling overwhelming. As you get comfortable adding small new things to your toolkit, taking the next step and trying more complex or daunting things may begin to feel less overwhelming.
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Source: AskMen
