The AskMen Guide to Introducing Sex Toys Into Your Relationship
The AskMen Guide to Introducing Sex Toys Into Your Relationship
The AskMen editorial team thoroughly researches & reviews the best gear, services and staples for life. AskMen may get paid if you click a link in this article and buy a product or service.
Product photos from retailer sites.
These days, we use technology to enhance most parts of our lives, so why not our sex lives?
Surprisingly, sex toys still have lingering stigmas attached to them that might make you feel hesitant about using one — especially in your relationship.
Adding a sex toy to your sex life doesn’t mean something’s missing or that either of you isn’t getting the job done. Sex toys make things feel new and interesting.
They’re a way of trying something new together, which can be a powerful bonding experience for couples.
Here, we’ve asked experts and some real people who sleep with men to weigh in on how sex toys can enhance your relationship, plus some pro tips for giving it a try.
Why Sex Toys Are Worth Adding to Your Coupled Sex Life
Think about the excitement that comes with trying something new in bed. Whether it’s a new position, having sex in a new location or discovering something your partner enjoys that you didn’t know about before, novelty is the special sauce that keeps sex fun and exciting.
“Sex toys ultimately bring creativity and more pleasure into your coupled sex life,” explains Dr. Lee Phillips, psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist. Sex toys have their benefits for everyone, but they can especially be game changers for people with vulvas.
“Vulva owners tend to require more stimulation for the clitoris, so several external toys are great,” says Philips.
Not to mention, they make certain jobs easier as well.
“If you are someone who doesn’t like giving blowjobs, there are also blowjob sex toys that you can add to sex so that your partner is sexually satisfied,” he adds.
“Using a vibrating ring during sex has been a game-changer for me,” says Bri, 26. “I normally can only get off when I’m on top. But the extra vibration makes it so I can finish no matter how we do it.”
Getting Over Your Sex Toy Anxieties
Effective communication is the foundation of great sex. If you want to use a sex toy but aren’t sure how your partner will take it, here are a few tips to keep in mind.
1. Start the Conversation Outside the Bedroom
Springing a sex toy on your partner in bed can make them feel pressured to go through with it, which can sour the experience. Instead, Dr. Jenni Skyler, an LMFT- and AASECT-certified sex therapist for AdamEve.com, recommends having this conversation in a neutral location.
“Start the conversation over a walk or dinner—not in the bedroom,” she says. “Suggest your interest in sex toys as an asset to your sex life. For example, sex toys are great at bettering what you already do in bed.”
2. Have a Collaborative Conversation
Make sure you approach the conversation from a position of curiosity.
“Tell your partner what your interests are with toys, and ask them what they think,” says Philips. “Asking them lets them know you are curious and care about your sexual interests.”
3. Shop for Toys Together
Take the time to explore potential options together so you’re both on the same page about what you’re interested in using.
“This is an intimacy builder and more creativity with sex,” says Phillips. “Look at sex toys together. This can be super fun, and you will likely have many laughs!”
“Shopping for a new sex toy is like foreplay,” says Claire, 30. “If you have a sex toy shop near you, I highly recommend shopping with your partner. If you’re not sure what you’re into and feel too shy to shop in person, there are plenty of fun variety packs you can buy to test drive a few options.”
Dos & Don’ts for Introducing Sex Toys Into Your Sex Life
So, you’ve had the conversation and are on the same page with your partner about adding a sex toy into the mix. Here are some important dos and don’ts to remember during your first time with a new toy.
Do a Test Run Ahead of Time
Playing with a new toy is fun — but in the heat of the moment in bed, figuring out its settings and features can easily feel a bit overwhelming, and that could seriously kill the mood (and soften your erection).
To get around this, “Practice with your toy solo to get a feel of how it works,” says Skyler.
If you’re planning on using the toy — whether on yourself or on your partner — it’s a good idea to figure out how it works in advance so you’re not fumbling with it in the moment. Some solo play will give you the opportunity to figure out what feels good to you and/or to familiarize yourself with how it works so you’re ready to go when it’s time to use it with a partner.
Don’t Use the Wrong Lube
Not all sex toys are compatible with lubricant formulas. Specifically, silicone-based toys and silicone-based lubes don’t mix — because the silicone in the lube will begin to degrade the silicone in the toy. If you’re using a silicone-based toy, make sure to use water-based lube, or something natural like oil-based lube, that doesn’t use any silicone.
If you’re not sure what the toy is made of, read the toy instructions to help clarify what the right lube for the job is, says Skyler.
Do Remember to Charge Your Toy
If your sex toy is battery-powered — as so many of them are these days — make it a habit to charge it regularly and especially try to make sure it’s fully charged or has fresh batteries if you’re planning on using it with your partner, says Skyler.
There’s no greater buzz-kill — literally — than having a toy die on you mid-coitus, so a little bit of preparedness in this regard will help keep things running smoothly.
Don’t Start With Something Unmanageable
Even if you and your partner want to go big or go home, consider starting with something smaller to start out with.
“Start with something small because sex toys can appear daunting,” says Philips. “For example, do not pull out a giant double-dong dildo unless your partner seeks this type of toy.”
Do Make Time to Debrief
Don’t just use a sex toy for the first time, and go about your day afterward.
“Ask how the experience was with the toy,” says Philips. “Did you enjoy it or not? Would you like to play with it again? This is important because you share your turn-ons and turn-offs with the toy(s).”
Good Sex Toys for Beginners
Ready to start shopping? Here are a few of our top picks for beginner sex toys.
Satisfyer Pro 2+
“This is the perfect vibrator for beginners who are new to penetration,” says Philips. The medical silicone mouth on the sex toy provides suction to the clitoris, which mimics the feeling of oral sex. It’s waterproof and rechargeable, providing up to 60 minutes of fun.
$59.99 at AdamEve.com
Magic Wand Rechargeable
The Magic Wand is a classic sex toy, originally used as a body massager for sore muscles. Today, this rechargeable version features a plethora of vibration modes and patterns to please people with penises or vulvas. Use it during foreplay to heat things up or as additional stimulation during intercourse.
$139.95 at GoodVibes.com
Lovehoney Bionic Bullet 5 Function Vibrating Cock Ring
Set your package to turbo mode with this vibrating cock ring from Lovehoney. The ribbed bar and vibration give extra clitoral stimulation, plus a nice massage for your testes. “Men love [penis rings] for their ability to maintain an erection and at times even stay hard longer,” says Skyler. Their partners, she notes, “love them for the same reasons!”
$17.99 at Lovehoney.com
Blow Motion Vibrator
“Just three inches in length, this masturbator wraps around the head of your penis like a warm mouth, delivering mind-blowing stimulation to this ultra-sensitive zone,” says Philips. It’s easy to use and waterproof, which makes for easy cleanup. Let your partner take control of this toy and use it to deliver pleasure on six different settings.
$44.99 at Lovehoney.com
How and Where to Buy a Sex Toy Online Sex Toy Packaging: What Do They Look Like When They Arrive at Your Doorstep?Take Her to New Heights of Pleasure With These Top Sex Toys for Women