How to Have a Great Sex Life in a Long-Distance Relationship
How to Have a Great Sex Life in a Long-Distance Relationship
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It’s true that sometimes distance can make the heart (and other fun body parts) “grow fonder” as you anticipate the rush of reuniting with your lover.
But let’s be real: Long-distance relationships can be hard. Maintaining healthy sexual intimacy when you and your partner are in separate cities, states, countries, or even continents — that is no small feat even in the best circumstances.
To address some of the most pressing quandaries about long-distance love, lust and the bits in between, we spoke to a couple of savvy sexperts. If you’re looking to ‘go the distance’ with your long-distance partner — and also wondering how to maintain that sexy spark for the duration — read on!
Dealing With Common Long-Distance Relationship Issues
First, start by letting go of the self-judgment and/or judgment from external sources.
“Don’t think that your long-distance relationship needs to look a specific way,” says Javay da BAE, MEd, a sex educator and founder of The Millennial Sexpert. “It’s your relationship — you as a couple get to decide what it looks like and also how you want to define it.”
In other words, focus on what makes your connection with your partner unique and exciting, and let go of the noise.
That said, the strain of being apart can definitely breed feelings of disconnect and alienation, especially if you do not consistently make future plans to be together.
However, “when there is a date on the calendar for in-person connection (even if it is further out than desired), this reminds both partners that they will be together again soon and gives hope and motivation to get through the time apart,” says Dr. Elizabeth Fedrick, the owner of Evolve Counseling & Behavioral Health Services in Phoenix, AZ, and also the host of Relatable: Relationships Unfiltered.
Additionally, because you are not able to see each other and be involved in mundane activities, sometimes resentment can inadvertently build.
Dr. Fedrick explains, “Long-distance relationships create a barrier in terms of being able to help each other with daily household tasks and responsibilities. This can sometimes create tension and conflict when one or both partners feel alone or overwhelmed with daily tasks that having a partner close by would help with.”
To counter this, actions definitely speak louder than words. Simple gestures can go a long way, such as “sending your partner dinner (via a food delivery service), sending them household items from online stores, hiring them help with services (cleaning, yard work, etc.), and attempting to find other ways to provide each other assistance even if you are unable to help directly,” says Dr. Fedrick.
This way, you can still “show up” and share in the everyday, and remain attuned to each other’s immediate needs.
Dealing With Loneliness & Sexual Frustration in LDRs
Sometimes, no matter how adept we are at coping, the loneliness is palpable, especially when it feels like centuries since you’ve held or touched your partner. Also, sometimes we’re not “camera ready” or feeling particularly erotic when we’re full of longing just to see or speak to our partner.
To that end, “it’s really important to still be vulnerable,” says Javay. “Don’t be afraid to vent to them or confide as you would in-person.”
Dr. Fedrick agrees: “Setting up regular video calls to talk about your days, exciting or difficult things going on, and to connect emotionally can certainly help.”
She adds: “It is also important to work towards acceptance of your current situation, including the realities of what comes along with a long-distance relationship. Though it can be difficult, and even disappointing at times, to have so much distance between you and your loved one, focusing on the negative aspects of this reality will ultimately end up creating more disconnect that will only exacerbate this situation further.”
On that note, regular check-ins can help too.
“It’s important to see what’s working and what isn’t,” says Javay. “Ask your partner questions like: ‘do you feel like I’m showing up for you? Is there anything I could be doing differently?”
Dr. Fedrick also stresses the importance of remaining positive: “Try to focus on the excitement of seeing each other when that time comes, as well as the fun of engaging in long-distance foreplay in the meantime.”
And speaking of foreplay, you might be surprised at how long-distance can definitely open up some exciting possibilities that “make your intimacy feel more intentional and prioritized,” says Javay.
Building Intimacy and Rapport at a Distance
Long-distance relationships definitely call for creativity.
“Every month, make it a point to do something different for a virtual date,” Javay suggests, to help keep you from falling into a rut. (And of course, this date can be as PG or X-rated as you both wish.)
“Whether it’s a strip tease, cooking, or decorating for a holiday together over video chat, keeping it fun is important,” Javay adds.
Additionally, “Some couples like to send risqué texts to each other, including engaging in sexting as a way to foster sexual intimacy,” says Dr. Fedrick. Instead of aimlessly scrolling social media, consider deploying the tech in your pocket to launch more amorous adventures.
Not so good with words? Don’t stress! Your enthusiasm and desire are what count.
“Sexting is amazing,” says Javay. “It doesn’t have to be intricate either — go ahead and be that horny college kid!”
How to Keep Up Your Sexual Intimacy in a Long-Distance Relationship
“Couples can maintain and/or explore sexual intimacy at a distance by ensuring it is a topic routinely discussed,” says Dr. Fedrick. “This might include talking about preferences for positions, new things you want to try, specific previous experiences that you really enjoyed, and so on.”
As with in-person sex, communication and transparency are paramount for good sex in a long-distance relationship as well. However, long-distance sex has different nuances for sure.
Dr. Fedrick also notes, “It is important to be aware of what each partner enjoys when it comes to phone sex or sexting. In the same way that people have sexual preferences for in-person intimacy, there are also things that people enjoy more or find more arousing when engaging in sexual foreplay remotely.”
So, don’t take it for granted that what works in person is going to translate the same on a remote basis; check in and ask your partner what they want more of — and definitely offer up your desires as well.
Without the benefit of being in the same room, it’s only logical that you need to allow each other some grace and latitude. Also, don’t lose your sense of humor if the screen freezes your O-face, or the cat knocks something over during a hot and heavy moment — laughter can be as cathartic as a good orgasm.
However, if you are indeed craving an orgasm-fest during your next virtual date, the sex tech world definitely has your horny self covered!
Best Remote-Control Sex Toys for Long-Distance Relationships
Remote toys have come a long, long way in the past two decades, which means it’s now faster and easier than ever to enjoy a raunchy rendezvous with your partner — no matter where they are in the world.
“There are many options that your partner can operate remotely from their phone,” says Fedrick, “This tactic can assist with feeling as though you are engaging in a sexual act ‘together’ even though you aren’t in the same place.”
While tons of incredible options exist out there, the products below can all be remote controlled via app: i.e. you can control your partner’s pleasure and/or they can control yours too for the ultimate long-distance encounter.
Lovense Nora and Lovense Max 2
These two toys let you both share (and literally synchronize) your pleasure across the miles. The Nora is a rabbit vibrator that can allow people with vaginas to enjoy both clitoral and internal stimulation. Max 2 is a cutting-edge penile masturbator with a “neutral” opening that offers powerful vibrations up and down the shaft. The best part? Thanks to the miracle of remote Bluetooth app control, you can easily sync Max 2 and Nora together, and the toys will react to each other’s movements, no matter how far apart you are. Ps. For even greater flexibility, Max can sync to another Max and Lola can do the same with another Lola too!
$199.00 at Lovense.com and $199.00 at Lovense.com
The WeVibe Moxie is an ergonomically designed clitoral vibrator, with magnets that secure it safely and discreetly for hands-free fun. Turn on your partner’s Moxie and you’ll love watching their O-face during your next FaceTime sex session! This is also a great toy if you both fantasize about random bursts of discreet pleasure to spice up a routine day. (If you want to join in the fun, WeVibe also makes a remote vibrating adjustable cock ring, The WeVibe Bond.)
$129.00 at We-Vibe.com
If you’re into anal play or prostate stimulation, the Ditto is a vibrating butt plug that delivers in spades. Made from body safe silicone, the Ditto has plenty of vibration options and works with the same app controlled tech as other WeVibe models.
$129.00 at We-Vibe.com
Lovense Lush 3
Now in its third generation, the Lovense Lush is the OG of remote sex toys, and the gold standard on most cam sites. The Lush is a Bluetooth-enabled, remote controlled toy that can provide deep rumbly G-spot vibrations in pretty much any position. If you procure a Lush for your partner, simply download the app and rock their world any time they want to play — time zones be damned!
$229.00 at Lovense.com
Clone a Willy Kit
Burned out on tech? No problem. You can also opt to make your partner a dildo replica of your penis using the super fun “Clone a Willy” kit. “Clones” are made of medical-grade silicone and also come in a variety of colors. If nothing else, this might make for an interesting virtual date night… or it’ll motivate you to splurge on a plane ticket and enjoy your authentic selves between the sheets ASAP.
$49.95 at CloneAWilly.com
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