How to Get Your Partner to Go Down on You More Often

9 Ways to Get Your Partner to Give You a Treat More Frequently

A good blowjob is an awesome experience — no wonder guys love them so much. But depending on who you’re attracted to and who’s attracted to you, they can also be somewhat hard to come by if you’re single, and even if you’re in a committed relationship, there’s no guarantee that they’ll be a common occurrence.

If you’re wondering how to experience oral pleasure more often, you’re definitely not alone. AskMen spoke to four sex and relationship experts about ways that you can experience a blowjob more than once in a blue moon. Here’s what they had to say:

Why Your Partner Doesn’t Go Down on You Often

“Not everyone likes giving blowjobs,” says Gigi Engle, a certified sex educator and sex expert for SKYN. “Some people may have a very sensitive gag reflex, others may find it uninteresting or boring, and others may not enjoy it because they don’t like the taste, texture, etc. of penises.”

On the other hand, it might be a slightly more complex reason. Some people don’t like giving blowjobs due to “shame, stigma, lack of experience, thinking they need to be ‘skilled,’ thinking they’re not good enough at it or they ‘don’t do it like it looks in porn,’” says Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT, a relationship expert and psychotherapist. “Insecurity, shame, and fear around ‘skill level’ are the most common things that I hear.”

If you’re a fan of getting (and/or giving) blowjobs, you may see them as merely a pleasant sex act, but for some people they do carry certain negative connotations, explains Stephen Quaderer, the creator of Headero, an app for people who love oral pleasure.

He mentions the “societal stigma associated with oral (i.e., ‘slut shaming’),” as well as “perceptions that giving oral is inherently submissive,” among others.

“This is strengthened by people, usually cis men saying ‘blow me,’ ‘suck it,’ and things like that to people they hate — then turning around and asking your loved one to give you oral to show love,” says Chelsie Reed, Ph.D., LPC, a mental health counselor and author of Sexpert: Desire, Passion, Sensations, Intimacy, and Orgasm to Indulge in Your Best Sex Life.

“Then,” she adds, “giving a blowjob can often induce feelings of subservience and being overpowered. So, this lessened role is not feeling good to your partner. I usually hear people being concerned because what their partner wants is to receive oral sex as if it is a stand-alone activity that is just simple and easy, in a variety of locations and times. It seems that way to the receiver — but for the partner, it’s a big expectation, and the ‘work’ involved is a lot more than is assumed.”

Less Oral Sex as the Relationship Goes On

However, it’s possible that your partner used to enjoy going down on you — or at least, oral was a more frequent occurrence earlier in the relationship.

“All sex tends to decrease once we’re comfortable in a relationship,” says Engle. “This is why we need to be constantly changing it up. Our sex drives start to settle back into a neutral state because that doped up mix of brain chemicals from the beginning settle. Trying new sex things, talking about sex, and being open to trying new things are how we reignite that fire.”

“With oral sex particularly,” Engle adds, “a partner may well not really enjoy putting that much work into something they get very little out of — especially if that act is one-sided. You should give head if you expect to get head.”

“Alternatively, partners in a relationship may develop a specific sexual routine as time progresses — and for any number of reasons, oral may simply not be part of that established routine,” Quaderer adds.

Reed notes that it’s possible, if you’re getting fewer blowjobs at this stage in the relationship, you might have been benefitting from a generous partner giving them more often than they really wanted to in the early going.

“A partner may give oral sex in the beginning of a relationship to try it out and to be accommodating,” says Reed. “Just because your partner gives you oral, does not mean that they do not still have the problems, anxieties and concerns mentioned above.”

Tips for Getting Your Partner to Go Down on You More

When thinking about getting oral more often, it’s important to frame it in healthy, consensual terms, Reed points out. You should be thinking about this as “how to help them, not make them, give you oral more often,” says Reed.

“A person’s reasons for not giving blowjobs are valid, and if it is something your partner is not down to do, you’re not owed blowjobs,” Engle agrees. “In a partnership there is not ‘getting my partner to do this more’ because sex is not a right in a relationship. It is a part of relationship that deserves to be taken seriously and treated with care, but you’re not owed certain sex acts.”

“If blowjobs are really important to you and your partner truly will not do it under any circumstances — and this is a serious problem — you might want to consider what this means for your relationships,” Engle adds. “There are workarounds, but only if both people are willing to search for and explore a common middle ground/compromise.”

For instance, you could consider a version of non-monogamy where getting oral sex from someone else is allowed, so long as you don’t engage in penetrative sex.

That being said, there are definitely things you can do to help your partner want to go down on you more. Here are some ideas to consider:

Try Flavored Lube

If the issue is: Your partner doesn’t like the taste

Some people absolutely love the taste of a penis in their mouths; others don’t. If taste is an issue, Engle suggests using a flavored lube like Good Head from Doc Johnson. Reed adds that flavored condoms, or even a tasty food item like a Fruit Roll-Up, could be an option to change the flavor experience for your partner.

Clean Up the Area

If the issue is: Your partner doesn’t like the smell

Smell goes hand in hand with taste, and some guys simply do not groom their pubic area often enough. If that’s you, Reed says, “be clean and ready for oral.”

For many (though not all, admittedly), “dirty and sweaty are not good,” she adds. If you’re really willing to go the extra mile, you could consider a little manscaping to ensure no stray pubic hairs are causing your partner any issues.

Compliment Your Partner

If the issue is: Your partner feels self-conscious/unskilled

“Share how much you enjoy when they go down on you,” says Wright. “When someone knows that what they’re doing is super pleasurable and appreciated, they’re more likely to do more of it.”

Try 69ing

If the issue is: Your partner feels too much pressure/wants to be pleasured while doing it

While 69ing is a sex act that can make it harder to cum — since you’re both giving and receiving pleasure at the same time, you can’t be 100% focused on either — it can be a fun way to increase the amount of oral sex in your relationship. Since you’re both doing it at once, there may be less pressure on either person to ‘perform’; as well, it prevents the oral pleasure from being a one-way street.

(Alternatively, you could try going down on your partner more often, too.)

Incorporate Toys

If the issue is: Your partner wants to be pleasured while doing it

If 69ing isn’t an option for whatever reason, another somewhat similar approach Engle and Reed both agree on is bringing sex toys into the mix. This could mean you using a toy on your partner while they go down on you, or it could mean them using a toy on themselves while doing it. Either way, the addition of some sexual pleasure for them can make the experience a lot more fun — and thus, enticing.

Try Different Positions

If the issue is: Your partner’s physically uncomfortable

Everyone’s body is a little different, and not everyone finds the same sex positions comfortable. Reed suggests you “discuss positions that allow the other person to be comfortable.

“This may mean something under their knees, you laying back on a bed, in a shower, or other angles that work better for them,” she says. For a glimpse at some different blowjob position options, check out this guide:

Incorporate a Penis Sleeve and/or Hands

If the issue is: Your partner has an intense gag reflex

While it seems like lots of guys want their partner to deep-throat or gag on their penises, this just isn’t very pleasant (or feasible) for many people.

If that’s the issue for you and your partner, Engle suggests you could try using a penis sleeve, or your partner could incorporate their hands a bit more, by using them to massage the shaft of your penis while their mouth takes care of the head.

“You don’t need to only use your mouth during oral,” Engle points out, “because blowjobs in their ‘pure’ form are a lot of work and can get tedious if you don’t change it up.”

Try Altering the Context

If the issue is: Your partner feels weird or emotionally uncomfortable doing it

Sometimes, things just don’t feel sexy to us and we’re not sure why. If your partner is open to it, that weird feeling could be a starting point for a discussion about what the issue is, exactly. It’s possible that by switching something up, the act starts to feel not so icky to your partner.

This could be things like, as Reed notes, one or both of you wearing clothes. It could be whether the lights are on or not, or where the blowjob happens; whether there’s an expectation that you’ll orgasm or not. Maybe your partner finds the sound of themselves going down on you weird, and you can make them feel more comfortable by playing some music to mask it a bit.

Maybe they don’t want to be looked at while they’re doing it and you can make them more comfortable by wearing a blindfold. It could be, as Quaderer points out, concepts of dominance or submission that they feel weird about.

Considering minor tweaks like this together could allow you to find a compromise solution that leaves out things you don’t need and your partner doesn’t want.

Talk About Needs, Wants and Boundaries

If the issue is: Complicated and you haven’t figured it out yet

“In the interest of better oral sex (and better sex in general) — communicate your desires, concerns and boundaries,” says Quaderer. “And seek input from your partner about what they’re seeking sexually. Exploring each others’ sexual interests through dialogue can uncover mutual interests and can lead to sexy play — oral or otherwise!”

And, Reed notes, don’t stop once you’ve talked about it once.

“Continue to have these discussions throughout the relationship,” she advises. “Things change and the concerns change. The best thing you can do for your sex life is create an open line of communication to lead you to the most pleasure.”

Talking to a Partner About Your Oral Expectations

So how do you talk to your partner about oral sex? Reed heavily cautions against treating it like something you’re owed.

“There are some who ask for oral sex in a negative way,” she says, “practically demanding it by saying, ‘Well, if you’re on your period (or pregnant, or just gave birth, or not in the mood, or because I did something nice for you), then you should give me a blowjob.’ Even the term ‘blow job’ makes it sound like work and like something to avoid.”

Instead, it’s critical, Engle says, “to not make it all about you.”

“What does your partner want in their sex life? What would they be interested in exploring? This is a journey for both of you,” she explains. “It’s not just about you showing up and asking for more blowjobs, because that will not work.”

Before engaging in the conversation itself, Wright suggests working with your partner to decide on a good time for the two of you to talk about it.

“This is called creating a container,” Wright says. “For example, you could say,

‘Hey honey, I’d love to talk with you about our sex life. When would be a good time?’

Allow your partner to consent to the conversation and enter into the container with the healthiest mindset possible.”

Then, Wright suggests using a framework she calls AEO — for acknowledge, explain, and offer.

The first step, acknowledging, is “a softened startup statement that names the elephant in the room/names the current landscape,” she says. “For example:

‘I know typically when we have sex, we don’t spend a lot of time with oral sex.’”

Then, you explain, with “a statement that shares your feelings and the context for them,” Wright says. “It goes like this: ‘I feel _______ (emotion) when ______ (thing/situation).’ For example,

‘I feel neglected when I go down on you and you don’t go down on me,’ or
‘I feel sad that you don’t go down on me very often.’”

Finally, you offer a “next step” towards a solution, Wright says. “It looks like this: ‘What I’d love to do is…’ or ‘What I’d really love is…’ and it ends with ‘How does that sound?’ Or ‘What do you think?’”

So, for example, she says, this could sound like,

“‘What I’d really love is to understand what makes you want to go down on me and what doesn’t, so we can possibly add more of it into our sexual routine. What do you think?’”

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Source: AskMen