Everything You Need to Know About Bondage Sex
The Beginner’s Guide to Bondage (Plus All the Best Toys and Positions)
The Beginner’s Guide to Bondage (Plus All the Best Toys and Positions)
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You’ve probably heard the term “bondage” used before at some point.
But when it comes to the toys, positions and rules that roll up under the term, what exactly are we talking about here?
For starters, you might be surprised to learn that bondage can be used as a standalone practice for pleasure — without any actual penetration.
“Bondage and sex are not necessarily synonymous,” says bondage expert Angela Lieben.
“Though they typically work together, bondage is less about the sex and more about the feeling of empowerment it generates then the act itself,” Lieben explains. “Bondage, or the art of restraint, can be used for creating an intense sexual charge, and then, for some, an orgasmic release. People who incorporate bondage into their sex lives derive a lot of pleasure and sexual gratification.”
Although bondage can run the gamut depending on what you’re using as a restraint, Stacy Rybchin, founder of MySecretLuxury.com says there are a few key components that are usually incorporated.
“A typical bondage session consists of two ‘players,’ a top and a bottom,” she explains. “Tops are the dominant player, the one who is in charge. Bottoms are submissive and are on the receiving end. Players who like to swap are known as switches.”
Bondage Sex Myths
1. It’s Not “Normal”
Bondage tends to get a bad rap because of its association with BDSM — but Reba Corrine, sex expert and wellness consultant, says not to let that throw you.
“Bondage does put the B in BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism), which often stirs discomfort among the less sexually adventurous,” she explains.
“But there is no cause for alarm if you or your mate find these acts appealing,” Corrine points out. “Role-playing is the common thread that weaves these sexual behaviors together, as one partner must assume the dominant role, while the other must play the submissive. This type of sexual exploration is quite common and, when explored by two trusting and open partners, can be quite rewarding.”
2. It Requires One Partner to Be Completely Immobile
“Bondage sex can actually be reciprocal and does not always involve being tied down and rendered helpless,” Lieben explains. “In fact, some couples I know enjoy being blindfolded while having the freedom to move their limbs and feel with their hands. There are even some couples who enjoy restricting their partner’s speech using a ball gag. Exploring bondage can be as simple as wearing a collar and leading your partner to pleasure.”
3. It Has To Hurt
“Bondage shouldn’t hurt (unless you’re into that kind of thing),” says Corrine, “and it should never feel like abuse. Trust and honest communication are key for successfully exploring any kind of kink in the bedroom.”
“Talk with your partner about your likes and dislikes,” she suggests. “Discuss new moves before you try them, set limitations and make expectations very clear for all involved before engaging in any bondage play. Remember to be mindful of your partner, too. You both are exploring this together, and it’s important to create a safe space for each other and respect each other’s feelings.”
Bondage Sex Truths
1. It’s Customizable
“Bondage sex is not one-size-fits-all,” says Lieben. “Couples have to be flexible. What worked one time may not work the next. Couples have the freedom of exploring an array of experiences.”
Basically, bondage is what you and your partner make it.
“It can be fun and light, strict and loving, sadistic and disciplined, kinky and serious,” Lieben says. “You have the power of creating a reality within your fantasy, and you don’t have to do the same things every time.”
2. It Needs To Be Consensual
There’s no quicker way for bondage to go badly than forcing the idea on an unwilling partner.
“Bondage sex must always be consensual and never forced or coerced,” says Lieben. “Couples who engage in bondage sex are more likely to have stronger communication skills. They are not worried when asking or demanding pleasure in bed. However, this does take time and effort to cultivate, especially when first starting out.”
3. It Requires Safety Precautions
In an ideal bondage scenario, you want to know how to get your partner out of whatever you’re using as a restraint — before you’re in the middle of using it.
“You should always be able to release your lover from your bonds quickly in the event of an emergency,” says Dr. Jess O’Reilly, Astroglide’s resident sexologist. “Keeping a pair of safety-edged bondage scissors (EMT scissors available for purchase online or at medical supply and drug stores) is good practice if you are going to experiment with more complex bondage positions. And never leave a bound lover unattended.”
Bondage Sex 101
Before you start typing your partner up — or getting them to tie you up — here are a few ground rules to keep in mind:
1. Get On The Same Page With Your Partner
“I always recommend that couples who are just beginning this journey make a list of what is completely off limits,” says Lieben. “Then create a list of what you’ve always wanted to try, but can stop at any given time. Then talking about a list of acts that are OK to do always.”
Also, now is the time to establish how you and your partner will signal if the bondage gets too intense.
“Always, always come up with a safe word and don’t ever be afraid of using to stop a session immediately,” says Lieben.
2. Don’t Try To Recreate Kinky Porn Scenes
“Do not use photos from the internet as models for at-home bondage,” Dr. O’Reilly cautions. “These photos usually represent expert bondage scenes performed under supervision in positions that may only be maintained for seconds at a time.”
More advanced bondage play like the type you may have seen online can require training in order to carry it out. So if you and your partner are both looking to try something more extreme, a training session with an experienced bondage instructor is in order first.
3. Engage in Regular Check-Ins
It doesn’t have to mean asking if everything is OK every few minutes. But as Dr. O’Reilly points out, keeping an eye on the areas where you’ve restrained your partner can go a long way.
“Make sure that your partner does not experience any tingling or numbness while restrained,” she says. “Adjust the bonds as needed to ensure proper circulation — and unless you are being trained by an experienced bondage instructor, leave a bit of space between your ties and the skin to prevent nerve damage.”
How do you know whether or not it’s too tight?
“You should be able to easily slide a finger or two between their skin and the restraint,” says Dr. O’Reilly. “If you are going to wrap a restraint around or near a joint, it is especially important to do so with care and leave some space to allow your lover to wriggle around a little.”
Bondage Sex Toys
Ready to start shopping for bondage toys? Here are a few recommendations to consider:
Under-the-Bed Restraint System
“This is the perfect system for beginners because it is soft, very user-friendly and easy to install,” says Corrine. “It turns your bed into a versatile restraint system that can accommodate lots of different positions. Simply slide the straps under the bottom of your mattress either from top to bottom or side to side to customize your bondage play. Once the main straps are in place, sturdy nylon tethers connect to four snug, softly lined cuffs — one pair for the wrists and one for the ankles — holding the submissive securely in place. Good for beginners, and equally great for advanced users.”
$39.00 at Amazon.com
Handcuffs
“For couples who aren’t quite ready to invest in a full bondage system, classic handcuffs are ideal for taking things slow,” says Corrine. “Couples can start with hands cuffed together. Or hands cuffed to the bed or chair. Or even hands cuffed to each other!” Plus, this pair slips on and off without the need for a key, making them ideal for beginners.
$20.00 at TheBloomi.com
Spreader Bar
“A bondage bar is a 17-inch spreader with attached cuffs,” Corrine explains, “made to cuff the ankles and/or the wrists and bind them together. This product is recommended for intermediate bondage play as the positions are less comfortable. This bar can be used standing up or laying down for all kinds of sexual pleasure.”
$84.99 at Lovehoney.com
Ball Gag Training System
“I recommend intermediate bondage players experiment with blindfolds and ball gags,” says Corrine. “This system comes with a blindfold and is great for learning your level of comfort when attempting ball gag play. The balls come in three sizes (small, medium, and large) and have small holes that allow the submissive to breathe freely, although his or her mouth is restricted by the gag.”
$18.49 at Amazon.com
Door Jamb Sex Sling
“This is perfect for couples looking to try out suspended bondage,” says Corrine. “As the name implies, it conveniently attaches to most standard door jambs and has a soft, padded, adjustable seat that pivots, allowing the dominant partner to position their hips just right. It provides leverage to almost any position with the support straps for hands and feet at the top and bottom.”
$79.99 at Lovehoney.com
Silky Bondage Rope
“If you’re going to experiment with the Japanese Karada form of bondage, you’ll need soft, thick rope — and lots of it,” says Corrine. You’ll want something that’s “super soft yet inherently strong, easily and sturdily holding the most intricate of knot-work while gently, but very securely cradling the skin without chafing.”
$19.99 at Lovehoney.com
Bondage Sex Positions
Here are a few of the best positions for doing it when you’ve working with restricted movement.
Chicken Wing Tie
“In this bondage position, the submissive kneels on a soft surface and lifts their hands behind their head,” says Dr. O’Reilly. “Tie their upper arms to their lower arms to restrict their movement, as their arms take the form of wings. A long tie or rope is required for this maneuver as you wrap it in a figure eight formation around the lower arm and upper arm with care.”
What should you use to tie her up? “Non-stick bondage ribbon works well for novice kinksters who want to take the basic hands-behind-the-head position to the next level with the chicken wing tie,” Dr. O’Reilly suggests.
Bottom’s Up
“Sometimes referred to as the leapfrog position, this sexy posture leaves the submissive’s most vulnerable assets exposed in the air,” says Dr. O’Reilly. “They begin on hands and knees, sliding their hands beneath their body to meet their ankles. Tie their right ankle directly to their right wrist (and left ankle to left wrist) or use a rope or scarf to attach the ankle cuff to their wrist cuff and leave some slack for comfort.”
On Your Knees!
Doggy style, but in a bind. “For a sexy way to try new positions and angles for oral sex and intercourse, bind the submissive’s ankles together while they’re kneeling on a padded surface.” says Dr. O’Reilly. “You can bind the ankles directly to one another with ties or ribbon, or they can wear cuffs and attach them with a rope.”
The Swan (AKA The Hogtie)
“Apply bondage cuffs to the submissive’s ankles and wrists as they lie on their stomach on a padded surface,” Dr. O’Reilly explains. “They reach backward along their sides with their hands and bend their legs so that their feet and hands are reaching for one another. Attach ankle cuffs to the corresponding wrist cuffs, leaving enough slack in the rope or tie to make sure that they do not experience any discomfort or strain in their neck or back.”
Human X
The spread eagle — but standing. “The human X requires restraint loops or bars affixed to a wall or door frame,” says Dr. O’Reilly. “A chin-up bar could be used for the arms, or you can attach four drawer pulls to the studs in your wall in a rectangle formation. The submissive stands with their arms and legs outstretched for an X position, and attaches wrist and ankle cuffs to the restraint loops of the wall.”
Illustrations by Carlee Ranger.
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Source: AskMen
