The Real Reason It’s Hard To Keep Disagreements From Turning Into Fights
Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt on the “hailstorm/turtle” binary — and how to overcome it.
By Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt — Written on Apr 12, 2023
Photo: Zamrznuti tonovi / Shutterstock 
People react to conflict in one of two ways: minimizing or maximizing.
In Imago Relationship Therapy, we call the Minimizer the Turtle and the Maximizer the Hailstorm. It is derived from our most primal instincts to protect ourselves — when we don’t feel safe, we fight, flee or freeze.
And of course, given the reality that “opposites attract,” Hailstorms and Turtles fall in love. At first, the opposing qualities are a source of attraction. But once the inevitable conflict begins to show up in the relationship, these protective modes escalate the relational tension.
The Hailstorm-Turtle dance and the pursuit of balance
This is the unconscious voice inside the Hailstorm: “I’m going to make my partner give me more attention and love by raising my voice and expressing my feelings and thoughts with a lot of energy.”
Simultaneously, the unconscious voice inside the Turtle says, “I’m going to make my partner honor my boundaries by retreating even further into my isolated shell, excluding them from my personal space, and figuring out things by myself.”
This Hailstorm-Turtle dynamic ends up perpetuating itself with drastic consequences: The more the Turtle retreats, the more the Hailstorm hails, and vice versa, creating a never-ending cycle of “here we go again.”
The nature of the dynamic
First, it’s important to recognize and understand that you and your partner have two completely different ways of dealing with conflict and stress.
Turtles need distance. They want freedom. They like to spend time alone, lost in their own thoughts. This is how they recharge.
Hailstorms, on the other hand, thrive on contact. Their energy flows outward, and they prefer to process their feelings with others.
Neither way is right or wrong.
Learning how to dance together
Next, Turtles and Hailstorms need to re-learn how to dance together. And they do this by teaching each other what they know best.
Turtles need to learn how to push their energy out and “show up.” And Hailstorms need to learn the Turtle’s wisdom of stepping back and containing their energy.
In fact, they learn to become more like each other.
As the Turtle becomes more storm-like, and the Hailstorm becomes more turtle-like, balance in the relationship is restored.
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Harville Hendrix, Ph. D. and Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. are partners in life and work. They are co-creator of Imago Relationship Theory & Therapy practiced in 62 countries by over 2500 therapists and co-founders of Safe Conversations LLC, a social movement and relational intervention based on the latest relational sciences to facilitate the creation of a relational civilization.
This article was originally published at Harville & Helen. Reprinted with permission from the author.
Source: YourTango
