Dinner at the restaurant was romantic, and together, you finished off a bottle of red wine. The full moon is bright. She’s happy. It’s all happening. Together, you walk back to her place, touching fingertips, clasping and unclasping hands, flirting in whispers, and as you approach your building, the flirting gets heavy and a little dirty.
And then she tells you she’d like something a little different tonight. You’re amused, and you like that she’s asking — and then, she says that tonight, she wants it rough. You hear the words, which don’t quite match up with her demure profile and perfectly applied makeup… and wonder how you’re going to manage this.
1. What Is Rough Sex?
Rough sex is not vanilla. It’s about becoming mutually aroused by discomfort and integrating hair pulling, pushing around, manhandling and even spanking with sex. Gone are the tender caresses, and in their place are commands. The tone of rough sex is different than the sweet, sultry allure of a typical night. Rough sex gets physical and it can get vigorous. It can be intense because the line is there to be crossed. There’s an element of role-playing, but a good actor gives of himself so it’s not all about the role — it’s also about what you bring to it.
If this sounds interesting, then this is probably something for you. And, at the right time, with the right partner, it can a lot of fun and can bring you closer. It’s also a great way to work out some feelings and let your partner know this other, more exciting, slightly dangerous side of your personality that you can’t show in real life because it’s perceived as threatening and therefore inappropriate. But in the bedroom, between consenting partners, this is where you have a little fun with rough sex.
Of course, you should always use common sense. There are times when rough sex doesn’t work and shouldn’t. If you have a partner who has a history of abuse or violence, this isn’t a good idea. In spite of your good intentions, the rough sex can trigger flashbacks and bad memories. Or, when you’re in a relationship with someone who’s adamantly against rough sex or has a negative reaction to anything that’s rough and tumble, you’re better off avoiding it. And if you know that you, yourself, have problems with impulse control and have trouble stopping once you’ve gotten started, this probably isn’t for you.
That being said, rough sex can be very enjoyable for all involved.
2. Why Women Like Rough Sex
There is a widespread perception that women are delicate flowers and the fairer sex, so the idea that they would tolerate or inflict — let alone want to initiate or even ask for — rough sex seems far gone. But it’s not.
Truth be told, women are into sex a lot more than men realize. And they don’t just want polite sex or demure sex or hotel sex. Today’s woman is psychologically, socially and emotionally complicated and layered, and her sexual appetite is just as intriguing as she is. Simple women with simple lives are a lot more rare than they used to be, so men would be wise to take this as a heads-up. Chances are you’re with a woman who has at least a fleeting interest, if not a full-blown desire to partake in a little rough sex.
Men are often surprised by this, and wind up caught off guard when it’s the women who are the ones who tell them that they want it rough. It’s not always apparent when meeting these women, especially when they’re baking cookies, playing with kittens and wearing floral print dresses, that they’ve got a dark side when it comes to sex. They just don’t look the part! If they were slaying Wall Street while wearing leather and downing shots between stock trades, men might not be so surprised when these types of women want it rough.
But the women who don’t seem like they would want it, but do, are the shockers. And when it becomes apparent that they do, it’s a definite game-changer. Sometimes, guys are so taken off guard by their women wanting it rough that they don’t realize that it was difficult for women who don’t live looking as if they want it rough, to express themselves and come out and ask for it. They know you don’t see it coming and they’re afraid to scare you away, or get rejected, so they sometimes bite their tongues and hope you’ll bring it up.
A woman wrote to me on my AskApril.com relationship advice forum and said about she and her boyfriend: “…. We like kinky sex, but he’s never been one to take charge or to be rough or anything like that. I was even disappointed he wasn’t more aggressive with me….” Some of these women just don’t mention it to their men at all, simply because they’re concerned about the man’s reaction, so instead of a sexy reality, rough sex remains a tacit but vibrant fantasy for them.
3. Why Men Like Rough Sex
Men love rough sex because it gives them a chance to express their dominant selves in a sexual way. They basically have permission to be aggressive and intense — feelings that they normally rein in. And they get pleasure out of watching their partners become aroused from the rough, sexual exchange.
Rough sex is a treat for men who normally feel that it just isn’t right, and it isn’t polite. In other words, it’s not the way you treat a lady. They get stuck on the “Madonna and the whore” conflict, where a woman can’t be both good and bad. She has to be one or the other — and the man has to choose which she is so that he can know whether to treat her as one or the other, as good or bad. Following this simple construct brings psychological and social comfort.
So, when she suggests rough sex, or he suggests it and she agrees to have it, that construct and the comfort the construct brings, is overturned. All bets are off. And when this happens, men who were hesitant at first, and who then do get into the flow of the rough sex, and really hit a good groove, tend to discover facets of themselves they weren’t familiar with before (maybe even new fetishes) and in this sexual adventure, they have even an even more profound experience because this wild, intense and dominant side of their personality was, up until the rough sex, suppressed and even latent — sometimes for years on end.
Having rough sex feels as if they’ve freed themselves. The intimacy that the bond created by rough sex creates between a man and his partner is more than just a sexual connection. It’s a deep feeling that a partner has brought out in her man, his true self. Great rough sex allows a celebration of this part of a man’s identity as well as of the sexual experience. Having rough sex doesn’t have to be just a release or just a connection. It can be a way to learn about one’s self and discover parts of one’s personality, and a partner’s personality, that you hadn’t realized before.
Having rough sex can be just a hot romp between the sheets, but it also serves as a validation for male feelings of self and the layered and complex feelings about a partner, and women, in general.
4. How To Make It Happen
If rough sex is new to you, or if it’s not and you just want some tips to get things going…
a. Ask For It
If she brings it up first, then you can skip this step. But if she doesn’t, there are a few ways you can bring it up. Don’t spring it on her in the middle of sex. Instead, consider bringing it up next time the two of you talk about sex, or watch a suggestive film with some hot rough sex scenes in it, then ask her how she feels about the idea. Let her know it turned you on and see how she reacts. If having a conversation isn’t your thing, you could go the silly route — show her you’re interested by buying a pair of furry handcuffs or a Catholic schoolgirl costume, and asking her if she’s ready to be a naughty girl. This will get the conversation going. Role playing sometimes helps people get into a mood that they otherwise can’t, so choose your role for rough sex. And, even if you get a good reaction, make sure she actually wants to do this, too. Get her consent. If she’s not into it, you’ll have to accept that.
b. Discuss A Safe Word
That being said, if she is into it, you’ll need to agree on a safe word before engaging in any rough sex. A safe word is a word, which when spoken, means “stop everything.” It’s your mutually agreed-upon quick exit, and it’s necessary so you can engage in sex where the normal signs that you should stop don’t necessarily mean stop. Without a safe word, rough sex could be rape. Talk about it beforehand, agree on a safe word and stop as soon as you hear it.
c. Loosen Up
It can be useful to get comfortable beforehand and loosen up a bit. Whether it’s a drink or something else, whatever you use to offset nerves and relax your inhibitions — this can help you feel more uninhibited during the act and free to try things you haven’t in the past.
d. Get Dominant
Feeling dominance and then exercising it is the basis for rough sex. Taking forcefulness to the limit is exciting for many people. If you’re having trouble feeling it, don’t worry. She may be the natural who gets your juices flowing. Sometimes it takes her getting dominant as your catalyst to become even more dominant than she is. Anyone with a streak of dominance in their personality can really let go and let it roll here. If you’re not sure what to do, instead of undressing her — rip her dress open, yank her skirt up. Tear her bra and panties off. (You get the idea!) This can be inspiring and a lot of fun.
e. Get Grabby
Once you’ve ripped off each other’s clothing, consider her hair. Pulling on her hair is sensual and it can be a show of force. Couple pulling her hair with some other sexual maneuver. On its own, hair pulling doesn’t pack the power that it does while you’re doing something else that’s sexual. Pull from the roots, not the ends. The latter isn’t going to elicit the pain that she enjoys. You want to suggest a little bit of pain — without causing her so much that it’ll ruin the mood.
f. Use Your Teeth
Try biting at the nape of her neck (not hard enough to draw blood!). Then work your way down — nibbling and biting as you go. Leaving your mark — whether by nibbling or more — defines rough sex from vanilla sex. Some men love when women leave nail marks on their backs, so if that sounds good to you, ask for it. Leaving a mark is often very much a part of rough sex.
g. Spank Her
Yes, pretend she’s a bad little girl (Call her that!) Then, bend her over your knee and spank her. Or slap her, doggie style — a hallmark of rough sex. As with biting, you can also find yourself leaving a handprint on her skin through hard spanking.
h. Use Your Voice
Get demanding. Tell her what to do. Instruct her. Get loud. Talk dirty. And don’t hold back making noise. Your vocalizations will turn up the mood. Certain sexual positions naturally lend themselves to rough sex because one of you is dominant and the dominant one is leading the dance that is rough sex, so be the one on top, standing while she’s not, or directing the positions and calling the shots because that is, truly, what rough sex is really about.
5. Recommended Products
Try: Bijoux Indiscrets Satin Blindfold
AskMen Recommends: One aspect of rough sex for many people is control — with you having more and her having less. One way to shift the power balance is to blindfold her — that’ll give you much more power, as she won’t be able to see what you’re doing and will have to let you take more control of the situation. Blindfolds like this one are a great product for adding some sexy energy to your rough sex.
$12.42 at Amazon.com
Try: Japanese Silk Love Rope
AskMen Recommends: A fun way to amp up rough sex is to bring some bondage into it — like, say, tying your partner up, thus having total control over her limbs and positioning. If she’s into the idea (and, you know, check beforehand), don’t just grab whatever rope you have lying around. This silk rope is a great option to do so without giving her rope burns all over — it’s strong but still very soft on the skin, and can be easily tied in complex knots, if you’re into that kind of thing.
$19.36 at Amazon.com
Try: Ball Gag Training System
AskMen Recommends: Not everyone will be into using a ball gag, but if both of you are into really rough sex this can be an intense way of shifting the power dynamic and giving you a ton of control to take charge (while still figuring out a safe gesture or sign in case she needs you to stop). This particular model has small holes in the balls to ensure continued airflow and features three different sizes of balls so you can find the right fit for her mouth.
$10.64 at Amazon.com
Try: Swiss Navy Silicone-Based Lubricant
AskMen Recommends: If you’re amping up the intensity of the sex — and especially if you’re restraining your partner — you’ll definitely want to ensure that she’s well lubricated. The last thing the two of you want interrupting your domination play is her having to tell you to stop because you’re actually hurting her — because you didn’t buy a lube or got a cheap, water-based one that’s already worn off. Invest in your sex with a quality silicone-based lube like this Swiss Navy one that comes in a leak-proof bottle.
$15.99 at Amazon.com
6. What Not To Do
Lastly, there are few things you should avoid to make this a success. First, no laughing. The second you start to laugh at the situation, is the second you relieve the intensity that’s required for this rough sex to work. Humor breaks the mood. If you’re uncomfortable or unsure, you may want to laugh. Try not to. Stay in the moment.
Second, no apologizing. Part of what makes this work is that you’re not the nice guy during rough sex. You’re the rough guy. The minute you apologize, you’ve broken the spell. Keep your persona to keep the rough sex hot.
Third, don’t fall back into the Mr. Nice Guy you usually are. Mr. Nice Guy doesn’t get hot sex. So veer away from softness and don’t fall into being gentle. Gentility is the gateway behavior towards vanilla sex you’re trying to avoid by engaging in rough sex, tonight.
Fourth, no damages. You can’t hurt her during rough sex — and she shouldn’t hurt you. This is supposed to be hot and sensual while pushing the boundaries, not breaking them because you’ve gone too far. Keep it safe, while keeping it edgy. Read up on sexual consent. Use your safe word.
And fifth, while you’re getting things going and finding your groove, less is more and it’ll keep you from feeling like you’re just out of your element — unless of course, things are going well and more is more. Good communication while you’re into the rough sex is what will allow you to gauge this.