We all have our sexy little secrets.
By Elizabeth Ayers-Callahan — Updated on Mar 23, 2023
Photo: Gourab Bose Photography / Shutterstock
Figuring out someone in bed takes months. Figuring out someone in a relationship takes years.
Then there’s figuring out how to talk about someone’s sexual fantasies.
You can read thousands of articles, you can watch Sex in the City reruns, you can sexually Myers-Briggs your man to death, you can spend thousands of dollars on therapy…
Or you can just ask them! Profound concept, right? However, asking someone point blank what their secret sex fantasy is can be like asking a stranger for his or her ATM pin code. You’re probably not going to get an honest answer.
When we start out a new romance, the best way to get to know each other is by asking questions. What do you do? What’s your favorite movie? There’s a lot of hidden information in those questions that we elegantly use to figure people out.
Sexual interrogation doesn’t have to be clunky either.
When you’re trying to figure out how to make your man’s sexual fantasies real, you don’t have to just clumsily ask, “Hey, do you want me to dress up in a Starfleet uniform and use the Vulcan Mind Meld on your Captain’s log?”
We can figure this stuff out like mature, dignified adults, even if you have to use a little subterfuge to get your man talking. But the worst thing we can do is ignore the BIG implied question — What do you both really want sexually?
If we leave those sex fantasy questions unasked and, ten months later, you’re resentful that he hasn’t tied you up yet and he’s frustrated you won’t play along with the naughty schoolgirl scenario he keeps hinting at.
Here are 5 sneaky ways to discover what your man really fantasizes about:
1. Ask “What was the first thing you can remember that turned you on sexually?”
This sounds weird, but asking this can offer HUGE insights into what pushes your partner’s buttons sexually. For example, I once had a boyfriend who admitted that, when he was young, he was obsessed with commercials for Bodyshaping, a morning workout program for ESPN. Cut to 30 years later and he’s got an odd little kink for aerobics and bodysuits. Go figure.
2. Figure out what time of day (and in what circumstances) your partner usually gets the most “charged up”
Life can be hectic. It is hard enough to sync up schedule-wise, so it’s good to figure out when you’re both feeling the most in the mood. Is it morning or night? Is it when he’s bored at work or the first time you see each other after you get home? You need to know! Figure out when he’s at his perkiest and use that time to start asking him about what turns him on. (He’ll be way more apt to answer.)
3. If the sex fantasy is too embarrassing to bring up, rent a movie
The easiest example is 50 Shades of Grey. Maybe not the best true-to-life example of real-life bondage (or acting), but what better way to enter into a conversation about BDSM with someone? Find a movie that features what you’re into (or you suspect your man is into), keep your finger on the pause button, and let the movie be your sexual icebreaker.
4. Make the sex fantasy equivalent of a swear jar
Try this exercise with your partner. Ask them — if there was a “sexy thoughts” box where you could slip in a piece of paper with a secret desire every time you had one, would your box be… a). Dusty, b). Medium-full, c). In need of a second box to handle the overflow?
The next step is making that box (and hiding it from your kids) and filling it with some suggestions to get your man thinking about what he might really want. It’s an indirect, and extremely effective, way to create sexual anticipation.
5. Find ways to lower your “sex talk” inhibition level
And we don’t just mean getting drunk. Have you ever done karaoke? Gone sky-diving? Bungie jumped? The first time you do any of those things, it’s TERRIFYING. By the tenth time, it’s old news.
Talking about sex is the SAME way. Make the move in a public place. Whisper something in his ear. Tell him you want him in a crowded restaurant. Just show each other that you’re ready to take things up a notch, with your words and actions, and get the ball rolling.
BUT… what happens when your evil plan works, you finally start talking about your sex fantasies, but you don’t know how to make them a reality?
Fortunately, there are options out there that make it easier. For example, The Fantasy Box.
Not familiar? How would you feel about a pre-packaged, fully planned sexy date where you and your partner make cupcakes together (that come with possibly the cutest sex toy out there — a vibrating cupcake)? Lingerie, aprons, the whole deal, and instructions on how to set the night up.
Sound too tame? What about a date night where you sit together and fill out your own personal bondage contract? You can set up your own 50 Shades experience, decide the dominant/submissive relationship you want to have, and explore some exciting gear in your own makeshift Red Room.
The Fantasy Box is a monthly subscription service that sends couples pre-packaged sexual fantasy scenarios that they can try out at their leisure.
Each box comes with a selection of high-end gear (lingerie, toys, and more) and instruction cards that tell you exactly what you need to do. Their Introduction Box also comes with a really insightful questionnaire that’s specially designed to help couples break that fantasy ice and open the lines of sexual communication.
The best part is that their questions take all of the pressure off the couple. You don’t have to worry about your partner feeling weird about you asking questions about their secret sexual desires. Because YOU’RE not asking — The Fantasy Box is.
And you’re both being asked the questions at the same time, so you don’t have to worry about anyone not responding.
Here’s an example of one of Fantasy Box’s “getting to know each other” questions from their Introduction Box:
I am turned on by:
you unexpectedly grab me from behind while I am doing something, pushing me up against a wall, and taking mewalking into a room lit with candles and music playing and you there standing with a rosehaving sex with the windows open knowing that the neighbors can probably see inbeing blindfolded, tied up, and not knowing what’s going to happen nextmaking a home movie
The way you both respond to that question will tell you so much about what you’re both looking for sexually. And then the fun starts as you try to figure out your sexual middle ground.
The important thing is to find a way to start starting with each other about what you both really want from sex.
Ask the sexy questions. Give your own sexy answers.
Don’t judge. Don’t hesitate. Just ask and listen.
If that feels too awkward or intimidating, try out a service like Fantasy Box that does the heavy lifting for you (and gives you a hell of a lot of new ideas too).
Just don’t spend another day worrying about whether or not your man is fulfilled in bed. If you get the courage to ask, you’ll know for sure and he’ll never stop thanking you for asking.
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What Men Really Think About Small Breasts (As Told By VERY Honest Men)The 9 Sex Positions That Help You Fall In Love (Yes, Really!)6 Expert Tips On How To Be Waaaay Better In Bed3 Erotic Sex Positions That Make Women Orgasm
Elizabeth Ayers-Callahan is a freelance writer focusing on sex and relationship issues whose mission is helping other women feel less alone in their marriages.