14 Sex Problems Only Lesbians Understand
You’ve been talking for six hours when all you want to do is bone.
1. You can’t believe that feels good to her because it would feel awful if she did that to you. And you want to say, “Are you sure you want me to bite you that hard? I would hate that. Like, I would throw you out of bed, I would hate it that much. But you promise you’d like that? OK. No wait, really though, are you sure?”
2. You want to sleep with her but she’s already slept with one of your friends. Even if you live in a large city, the queer community often feels like the 12 people who see each other all the time and really? There aren’t any more of us here? So sleeping with someone who’s slept with a friend isn’t the worst thing, but also it can feel like you’re having sex with your friend Sara because she also slept with Janine and oh god, what if you’re not as good as Sara? No, that cannot be. Wait, is Janine thinking about Sara right now? It feels like she is.
3. You’ve been sitting there talking to each other for six hours when all you want to do is fuck. “And another thing I was going to tell you to avoid actually making any sort of move toward having sex with you is this totally irrelevant piece of information that is not important whatsoever. Please make a move because I probably won’t for the rest of the night/our lives.”
4. You have a vagina, you should be better at this. Granted, not all lesbians have vaginas but for the ones that do, it’s so easy to feel like you should be able to get the other person off in under a minute because you both have the same body part and it’s so frustrating that this is totally not a thing because all bodies are different. It’s like getting inside a 2014 Honda Accord when you own a 2014 Honda Accord but for some reason none of the buttons are the same and no one will tell you why.
5. Have we talked about consent too much or not enough? In heteronormative sex, consent is sadly something that comes up pretty rarely, but in queer sex, it’s usually something that’s wonderfully at the forefront of everyone’s mind. Still, it is totally possible to get caught up in the moment and think,Oh crap! We didn’t even talk about that! or, OK, we’ve been asking each other these questions every three seconds, we may be overdoing it a little. I mean, is it OK to pull back? Or do you want to keep overdoing it?
6. She’s an Aquarius, which is super weird because you’re a Virgo. Not that I care about astrology, I really don’t. It’s not science, obviously, but just really quickly before we start anything, I want to Google if those two signs are at least compatible in bed, just to see!
7. Is your cat going to watch us the whole time? I know, I know, not every lesbian has a cat but let me tell you, a great many of them do and those cats have seen more lesbian sex than any weird straight guy Googling porn in his basement could ever hope to see.
8. Blech. Hold on, I have hair in my mouth. If one of you has long hair, prepare to say this to each other every six to 12 minutes.
9. Every time you have sex, it’s for, like, nine hours, and you always end up crazy hungry and thirsty at the end. And you know you should both just get up and go get something to eat or drink, but that would involve moving, so…
10. Uh, is it weird that you both kind of look alike? It’s like when you realize your favorite celebrity looks kind of like you and you wonder if that’s the only reason you like them. And then ultimately you just think eh, whatever, I’m into her. I’ll think about it later.
11. What kind of bra is this?! How do you get this on and off? I don’t believe you can do this by yourself. This seems like a two-person job. Yes, I’ve worn a bra before but this one is, like, made by space geniuses. Seriously, what the hell?
12. Wait, she seriously has long nails? Is she joking? That’s like wrapping your hands in barbed wire and being like, “It’s cool if I put this near your body, right?” No, thanks!
13. When she has the same name as you. You thought it was weird when it was just your friend who had the same name as you? Try it when you’re both moaning the same name back and forth in bed. Terrifying.
14. Do you actually want to sleep with her or do you just want to be her friend? Yeah, we get along really well and we’re both gay, so it seems like we should have sex with each other, but I’m not that into it. Maybe we should just have sex and see if it’s good, and if it’s not, then we can be friends. Yeah! That’ll totally work out well.
