What to Do If Your Partner Is Sexually Inexperienced
You’re Ready to Sleep Together — But They’re Super Inexperienced in Bed. Now What?
You’re Ready to Sleep Together — But They’re Super Inexperienced in Bed. Now What?
Sexual experience is a complex topic.
Some people find it hot. Others fetishize the lack thereof, while others may not care one way or another. However, besides innate sexual compatibility, experience can be a very strong predictor of whether someone will be a good lover — meaning guys who find virgins exciting may be getting things a little bit backward.
Then you run into questions like: Who’s more experienced, someone who’s had sex 50 times with the same person, or someone who’s had sex a total of 30 times, but with 10 different lovers? Questions of whether oral sex “counts” may arise as well. If you’ve had oral sex 20 times but have never had penetrative sex, are you more or less experienced than someone who’s had penetrative sex five times but never had oral sex?
In short, to a certain degree, experience can be in the eye of the beholder. Still, whether you’ve learned a prospective partner’s “number” or not, you may run into a situation where one person is a fair bit more experienced than the other. If you’ve had sex 100 times and your date has only had sex twice, that’s a bit of a gap. What happens next?
In order to help clarify some best practices for navigating this potentially tricky situation, AskMen spoke to a couple of sex experts. Here’s what they had to say:
How to Respond to a Sexually Inexperienced Partner
So — you just found out that someone you were hoping or expecting to hook up with is sexually inexperienced. Maybe they’ve never had sex at all, or maybe only a handful of times — but it’s significantly less experience than you have. Now what?
“This situation requires sensitivity and open communication,” says Nelsi Diaz, sex expert and author at HeraHaven.com. “Approach the topic without any assumptions or preconceived notions and be honest about boundaries, expectations and comfort. This is the only way to create a partnership that is built on trust and mutual understanding.”
Dr. Justin Lehmiller, Lovehoney scientific advisor and Kinsey Institute researcher, agrees that assumptions can easily trip you up here.
“Just because someone is inexperienced doesn’t mean that they’ll be a bad lover,” he says. “Likewise, just because someone is experienced doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re a great lover.”
Regardless, talking about your sexual experience (or lack thereof) can be an awkward situation for anyone, and Lehmiller says you should try to be kind and understanding in response to their revelation.
“Don’t shame someone for having a different level of sexual experience than you, whether they have more or less,” he says. “Be mindful of what you say and what your body language conveys to avoid creating an awkward situation for everyone.”
“For example,” Lehmiller continues, “if someone discloses that they don’t have much (or any) sexual experience and you react with shock, that can easily make the other person feel weird or like there’s something wrong with them.”
Even if you play it cool externally, it’s understandable that you might be disappointed, surprised or even concerned. A big experience gap may present some unique challenges that you wouldn’t encounter when sleeping with someone more familiar with what sex is like.
However, says Diaz, this is an opportunity to “go above and beyond to make sure the other person feels safe and respected at all times.”
You might use it as an opportunity to think back to how you felt when you had little or not sexual experience. How would you have wanted a prospective partner to react then?
Should You Skip Having Sex After All?
Are there situations where maybe it’s best to back away from a significant experience gap? Yes — but that’s not necessarily a likely situation.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with two partners with significantly different levels of sexual experience hooking up, so long as they’re approaching the situation in a healthy way (and both people are of age).
“However,” says Lehmiller, “if a lack of sexual experience is a dealbreaker for you, that’s OK — just be kind to others.”
Someone who hasn’t had much (or any) sex before may be self-conscious about their inexperience, so teasing them or making fun of them for it as you turn them down could feel extra hurtful.
Another compelling reason to walk away would be if the other person turns out to be unsure if they’re ready for sexual intimacy after all.
“If you believe your partner is hesitant, uncertain or uncomfortable at any point, you should reconsider the sexual activity,” says Diaz.
It’s a common trope that sexually inexperienced women (particularly virgins) are likely to fall deeply, madly in love with their first male partner.
While there’s not necessarily data to back this assumption up, if this is something you’re anxious about, talking about your expectations, desires and boundaries beforehand may be helpful to determine if you’re on the same page or not — as it is with a potential sexual partner of any level of experience.
On the other hand, a prospective partner’s sexual inexperience may actually be a positive in some cases.
“Surveys find that most people want a partner who has at least some sexual experience,” says Lehmiller. “This is probably based on the assumption that an inexperienced partner won’t know what they’re doing and will be bad in bed.”
“However,” he notes, “an inexperienced partner can still be a great lover, and one reason for that is that they haven’t picked up any habits or patterns that might be incompatible with your pleasure.”
In that context, Lehmiller says, a relative lack of experience could potentially be beneficial to your dynamic together.
“With the right mindset, an inexperienced partner may present a unique opportunity to co-create mutual pleasure” he explains. “In other words, don’t write someone off completely who has less experience than you, especially if you feel a connection with them.”
Tips for Having Sex With an Inexperienced Partner
If both of you are comfortable moving forward with things, that’s great — but there are a handful of things that you should keep in mind.
Do Go Slow
“Above all, if your partner is less experienced, take things slow,” says Lehmiller. “Avoid making them feel rushed or pressured.”
If you’re feeling the excitement and rush that can come with exploring sexually with a new partner, it’s important not to get caught up in that feeling to the point where you’re rushing the other person into things they’re not quite ready for yet.
“There is also the potential for power dynamics,” says Diaz, “which is why you need to make sure your partner feels heard, respected and equal — despite their [lack of] experience.”
Since you’re more experienced, they may feel more comfortable following your lead — but then find themselves engaged in a sex act or a dynamic they don’t enjoy, and not know how to press pause on the situation. As such, going slow helps mitigate the risk of accidentally crossing a boundary like this.
Don’t Start With Penetration
One useful way to take things slow? Starting with forms of outercourse rather than penis-in-vagina or penis-in-anus penetration — especially if you’re the top.
In this kind of situation, Diaz suggests you “begin with less intense activities like sensual kissing and massage, and use lube and toys for fun and comfort.”
“This is a great way to build confidence,” she says. “Foreplay can be beneficial as it helps both parties to relax, and you will begin to understand the other person’s responses.”
Do Have Lube on Hand
If your inexperienced partner has a vagina, there’s a good chance you’ll want to use lube. For starters, their sexual inexperience may mean they’re not able to easily accommodate penetration yet, even by below-average or average-size penises. For two, the psychological aspect may come into play and could mean they’re more anxious and thus have more difficulty getting fully lubricated.
“It’s important for the more experienced man to be mindful of the physical and emotional aspects of the less experienced partner,” says Diaz. “For example, physically, it might be uncomfortable at first for the other person — this is why using lube and taking things slow is so important.”
Don’t Make a Big Deal About PE or ED
If your inexperienced partner has a penis, they may be more likely to experience premature ejaculation — or possibly, nerves may lead to erectile difficulties. Both of these can feel extremely embarrassing for some people, particularly if they don’t have a lot of sexual experience, so being gentle about them is important.
Your partner may want to be reassured that PE and ED are normal for penis-havers and not a sign that anything’s wrong, or they may prefer not to talk about what happened and simply to feel through your actions that you still find them sexy. As such, you could try reassuring them verbally, but be ready to back off if they don’t seem receptive to that approach and instead reassure them with your actions.
Also of note, if they’re younger, they may have a shorter refractory period, so premature ejaculation issues could potentially be mitigated by attempting a second round not long afterward.
Do Over-Communicate
“Communication is the most important tool,” says Diaz. She believes you should “talk about desires, likes, dislikes, needs, boundaries and wants before the experience.”
Then, during sex with a new inexperienced partner, Diaz thinks you should be open to feedback, and especially that you should “pay attention to verbal and non-verbal cues.”
If someone’s feeling awkward or not enjoying themselves, they may find it hard to voice that if they’re feeling highly conscious of being less experienced, so cues like going quiet, avoiding or not meeting eye contact, or otherwise seeming withdrawn should be taken seriously.
Beyond paying attention to their demeanor, regular check-ins (“How does this feel?”; “Are you enjoying this?”; “Want me to keep going?”) can allow the less experienced partner opportunities to ask for a break — or to signal that they’re on board and enjoying themself.
Don’t Rush to Leave
Because sex can be such an emotionally intense experience, especially if you don’t have much experience with it, forms of aftercare become that much more important, says Diaz.
“After the experience, try to enjoy the moment by cuddling and, when the time is right, consider a gentle and relaxed debrief to understand what both partners enjoyed and how they are feeling about the experience,” she says.
An open and healthy conversation about the experience could be the exact kind of foundation the two of you can build on for a positive second encounter. Before long, the other person might not be so inexperienced anymore.
What Is Sexual Consent? First-Time Sex Positions for Virgins When to Have Sex, Explained
Source: AskMen
