Love knows no limit when one’s needs are met.
By Denise Wade
Last updated on Oct 10, 2023
Photo: Paulbr, Elnur, CoffeeAndMilk | Canva
Somehow, we tend to give our intimate relationships less nurturing as a couple as we give ourselves as a single. We indulge our single selves and nurse our dating needs. We sought out our significant other like it was a search and rescue mission.
Time passes, and we invest more in our rescued canine. We cannot wait to get home to our comfy slippers, our fuzzy four-legged companion, dinner delivery, or the nightly cocktail. What about our partner? Do we relish seeing them as much as the sesame chicken and broccoli the delivery driver brought?
How can our friend have an ideal relationship? Perhaps she knows how to meet her partner’s needs. I will let you in on a little secret you can, too. There is no limit to what a lover will do for you if you understand their needs. It is that simple.
Here’s what every rational person wants their partner to know:
1. People need appreciation
Remember why you fell in love with your partner. Try making a list of their top ten character traits that caused you to want to be with them in the first place. Make a conscious effort to appreciate and compliment them. Even simple domestic tasks, like picking up takeout for dinner and taking out the garbage can be reasons to show appreciation.
2. People need respect
The two worst enemies of respect are criticism and judgment. This includes making them wrong or scolding them like a child. Above all else, never berate another person in public, or you will lose them for good. You must create a safe, nonjudgmental space for your significant other, or they will shut down emotionally.
3. People don’t like a long list of complaints about themselves
The words “you” and “why” will send your lover into defense mode. Many people are competitive, so they may fight when they feel challenged. Turn complaints into requests. Try starting with “I love it when you……” or “It makes me so happy when you……” This alone will cause them to sit up and take notice.
4. People often feel emotionally disadvantaged
Emotions can be overwhelming for some people who tend to operate off the logical side of the brain. Some people will respond in anger when faced with an emotionally charged partner. This coping mechanism is what they use to try and gain control over emotions they are unfamiliar with having. We cannot help but be attracted to someone who can help them get more in touch with their emotional intelligence.
5. Our attention spans are narrow
Condense the request. Know yourself and how many words you need to speak to show your needs from your partner, then divide that number by four. That is about how many words people can handle in a sound bite, or your message will be camouflaged in too many details.
You may also set them up to fail and set yourself up for disappointment when they fail to recall your running commentary. Practice listening more and talking less. If they need the juicy details, they will ask. Also, monopolizing all their time and energy could associate you with unpleasant feelings.
6. The scoreboard mindset is tough to break
Humans are competitive creatures. As an apex predator in the food chain, we can get caught believing there is only a win or a loss, and nothing else matters. If you criticize this person, it is seen as an automatic loss. They need to win.
When they have not made you happy, it is a loss. And a loss is failing. Set them up to win and reward their efforts while helping them gain more experience with cooperative neutrals. This is when you both benefit, and there is no winner or loser.
7. Anger is the most feared weapon
An angry tongue can be your lover’s most destructive enemy. It’s a deadly weapon, as anyone will attest to. Nothing shuts down communication like an irritated tone or harsh criticism. Studies show that people hear more from voice tones than words. Talk slower and softer, and I guarantee they will react better. Instead of correcting your partner, positively impact your relationship with your speech. And lastly, do not underestimate the power of sultry, flirtatious suggestions.
If you are committed to developing a better relationship, ask yourself where there is room to apply these suggestions. Give it 30 days of hard work and I guarantee you will experience empowerment and notice a positive shift in your relationship.
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Denise Wade, Ph.D. CMRC is a dating Mentor, transformational educator, author, researcher, and relationship expert.