What Are Sexual Boundaries?

What Are Sexual Boundaries? Here’s How to Understand, Articulate & Respect Them

Everyone has boundaries when it comes to sex — things they don’t want to do for one reason or another.

You might have boundaries around specific kinds of kinks or fetishes you don’t want to explore, types of partners you don’t want to hook up with, contexts in which sex might feel weird or wrong to you, or any number of situations.

And just as you have your own boundaries, everyone else has their own, meaning anyone you hook up with will have no-go areas it’s important to respect.

You may not always understand a sexual partner’s boundaries, but that’s not as important as respecting them anyway. For instance, a straight guy who’s into the idea of having anal sex with a female partner may think, ‘What’s the big deal?’ about her letting him anally penetrate her — but he might not react the same if someone else wanted to anally penetrate him.

Regardless of your comfort with (or appetite for) any one particular aspect of sex, someone else’s boundaries may not line up with yours. What’s important is recognizing their boundaries anyway — the other person’s boundaries are important to them, and violating or pushing through will not only make them feel uncomfortable, weird and bad, it may even qualify as sexual assault or rape.

However, human beings aren’t mind readers. You and your sexual partner(s) can’t know about each other’s boundaries unless you discuss them. In order to get a better understanding of how to navigate boundaries — understanding them, setting them and respecting them — AskMen spoke to a number of sexperts. Here’s what they had to say:

“Sexual boundaries are the physical, emotional, and psychological limits that define what you’re comfortable with — and what you’re not — in a sexual or intimate context,” says sex and relationship expert Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., of HappierCouples.com.

“They might relate to touch, timing, communication, safer sex practices, emotional connection, or language used during a sexual interaction,” O’Reilly adds. “When we refer to boundaries, we’re generally referring to ourselves as opposed to others. They help us to honor and communicate our own needs, as opposed to dictating or controlling what others can do.”

Some examples of sexual boundaries could include:

Someone’s never had sex before and they’re waiting to do it with someone who feels right for themSomeone’s incredibly attracted to a friend, but in a monogamous relationship already and won’t act on their desiresSomeone’s open to engaging in dirty talk about group sex, but doesn’t want to experience the real thingSomeone doesn’t want to have unprotected oral sex due to the STI transmission riskSomeone likes being called one degrading term during sex, but not another

It’s also worth noting that awareness of and comfort with sexual boundaries can be a gendered issue — and one that may vary by sexual orientation. In short, because men (straight men in particular) are more likely to be penetrating than penetrated, they may not see sexual boundaries the same way.

Because you’re more likely to experience pain during sex (as well as after it) if you’re being penetrated than vice versa, people who are familiar with what that’s like may have clearer understandings of sexual boundaries in no small part because of that experience — things like what feels good and what doesn’t, what amount of pain is too much, navigating when and how to ask a partner to stop, and so forth.

Men, however, since they’re so often in the penetrating role, may have to spend less time thinking about their own needs and wants — and thus their boundaries.

As O’Reilly notes, “some people have been given more space to [understand their boundaries], and others have consistently had boundaries violated based on layers of identity.”

But Betsy Chung, a clinical psychologist, a relationship expert at RAW dating app, says boundaries are important “because sex is a very private and intimate thing, and boundaries help us stay safe and teach others how to respect us.”

Though men are rarely seen in the role of victim in cultural narratives, many sexual assault survivors are men, too, and knowing your boundaries can help you understand why what’s happened to you didn’t feel right — and how to talk about it.

“Sexual boundaries lay the groundwork for promoting consent, mutual respect, and trust,” says O’Reilly. “They help sex to feel safer and more satisfying. By clarifying what feels good (and what doesn’t), they can reduce misunderstanding, and create more space for pleasure.”

Ultimately, she says, “boundaries can support deeper connection, intentional exploration, and the emotional and physical well-being of both partners.”

Understanding Your Own Sexual Boundaries

Regardless of your experience with being penetrated (or with sex in general), it’s a good idea to spend some time thinking about what your sexual boundaries are, so you can feel comfortable expressing them as needed with other people.

“Understanding your sexual boundaries is an ongoing process that starts with tuning in to your internal cues — what feels good, what doesn’t, and how you feel before, during, and after intimacy,” says O’Reilly. “Journaling, solo exploration, and asking yourself questions like ‘Do I feel safe?’ or ‘Is this about connection or pressure?’ can help clarify your needs.”

Chung noted that thinking about moments that have made you uncomfortable can also be a fruitful source of understanding when it comes to boundaries.

“Be curious about sexual interactions that make you feel uncomfortable, whether they be sexual advances, sexual jokes, or sexual activity,” she suggests. “Chances are, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, there’s a boundary there — and a very good reason you have it.”

It’s also important to remember that, though respecting them is always important, boundaries are not fixed things.

“Your boundaries may shift over time, of course,” O’Reilly notes. “As you grow and change, regular check-ins with yourself can help you stay aligned with what feels right for you in each moment.”

In a relationship context, that means you may also want to “revisit the conversation periodically to ensure that both partners are comfortable with the established boundaries,” says Vivastreet sexual health and wellness expert Sarah Mulindwa.

Something that one person has gotten accustomed to may no longer feel right for the other person; on the other hand, with time passing, one of you may now be comfortable enough to broaden your boundaries and explore new things together.

Despite best intentions, at times sexual boundaries are crossed. Whether this is a serious or ultimately unimportant reality will be a question of how you and your partner(s) handle it.

As O’Reilly says, the reality of sexual boundary-crossing “creates opportunities to respond, take accountability, revisit and repair — all normal processes within relationships.”

How to Share Your Sexual Boundaries

Because they’re so rarely shown in media — whether pop culture or porn — discussions around consent and boundaries can feel unsexy to some people when there’s not a pre-existing script to follow. Even those experienced with such conversations can feel a bit uncomfortable if they’re speaking with someone who’s new to them.

“This doesn’t have to be an awkward exchange, but I’ve known many people (myself included!) who have had trouble here,” says jessica drake, director of marketing and product development for Wicked Sensual Care.

1. Start the Conversation Early On

“I recommend a few different approaches,” drake says. To start, bring it up early on — ”before you’re ever intimate, if possible.”

It can be nerve-wracking to start a conversation about sex with a potential partner by stating your can’ts and won’ts, but getting it out of the way can not only clarify whether you and the other person are able to communicate about physical intimacy in a productive way, but it can also give you serious peace of mind sooner rather than dragging the uncertainty out.

Even if you don’t have the conversation before your first experiences with intimacy together, Chung agrees that earlier is better than later.

“You should bring up boundaries as they come up rather than waiting for the line to be crossed over and over again before you find the courage to speak up,” she says.

2. Discuss Likes & Dislikes With Nuance

“How would it feel to have a conversation about your likes and dislikes?” drake asks. “Share with your prospective partner things that you’d like to do, and also share where you draw the line. Invite them to do the same. Ask them what ‘good sex’ means to them — that can be so revealing! Tell them what it means to you.”

However, as with many things in life, boundaries aren’t always black and white.

“Talk about what you like and dislike with nuance,” says O’Reilly. “It doesn’t have to be a hard ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ You can rate how you feel along a numerical (or color coded) scale and leave space for flexibility.”

“You may also want to discuss interactions, scenes and sex acts from popular culture — how do you feel about characters, interactions, language and depictions?” she suggests. “Sometimes talking about third-party scenarios can help you to uncover and share how you feel. Of course, you can use more formal tools like this Sexual Values questionnaire, too.”

3. …But Be Direct When Setting Boundaries

As much as it can be easy to frame difficult conversations as a joke in order to undercut any tension, Chung says it’s important to be clear that your firm boundaries are no laughing matter.

“It’s important to be clear and direct about the boundary so that there’s no confusion about what you are and are not comfortable with,” she says, even suggesting you “make eye contact when stating your boundary, so you know they’re paying attention to your message.”

“Be firm, and don’t laugh or joke about the situation,” Chung says, or the other person may not grasp the seriousness.

Instead, she says, you could try saying things like:

“I’m very excited for our first date, but before we hang out tonight, I’d just like to be clear that I don’t kiss on my first dates.”
“I really appreciate you asking rather than just going for it, but I must let you know that I’m not comfortable with __________________.”

4. Explore the Roots of Your Boundaries

As Chung noted, exploring why boundaries came to be can be helpful in getting a partner to respect them.

“You don’t owe anyone (including yourself) an explanation, but delving into some of your whys can offer deeper and clearer understanding and connection,” O’Reilly says.

“I don’t want to do X” may be harder to understand or remember than “I don’t want to do X because of Y,” whether that’s a past personal experience, an association with something else, or just a sense of not being ready yet.

5. Get Comfortable With Check-Ins

As much as it’s important and valuable to have these conversations before or between sexual situations, sometimes you just need to address them in the heat of the moment, too. Getting comfortable with checking in with a partner about their comfort levels or your own can be a hugely valuable skill.

“If you’re in bed, ask them questions like ‘is this OK’ before ramping things up,” says drake. “You can also check in with them during by asking if they’re good/OK/comfortable.”

“If someone asks you to do something and you don’t want to, use your ‘no,’” she says. “If it’s something you’re a ‘maybe’ on, suggest a different thing that you are comfortable with.”

Finally, as drake notes, “Boundaries can also shift mid-action. If your partner goes silent, gets stiff, curls away or ‘checks out,’ stop everything for a check in.”

Respecting a Partner’s Boundaries

Again, if you’re a guy and you’re in the penetrating role, the odds may be a bit higher of you crossing a partner’s boundaries than the inverse.

That’s not to say that men never bottom, or that penetrating partners never have their boundaries crossed, but that it’s useful, especially for straight men, to put some work in regarding getting better at listening to and respecting their partners’ boundaries — particularly given the fact that so many cultural messages about masculinity and sex seem to boil down to the idea that men should take what they want and center their own pleasure.

As much as lots of people find dominant guys attractive in a sexual context, engaging in that mode without the skills to know when and where to hit the brakes is a recipe for things going awry.

So what can you do to get better at respecting (and hearing) other people’s boundaries?

“Ask questions with curiosity, and if something feels unclear, ask follow-ups,” says O’Reilly.

“It also helps to try to understand why they have those limits,” says Chung. “You can gain understanding by being curious about where they think their boundaries originated, and also asking clarifying questions about what’s OK and absolutely not OK.”

Another tip, as discussed above, is to not treat boundaries as static concepts.

“Check in regularly,” O’Reilly says. “These conversations aren’t one and done — they need to be ongoing.”

Finally, you need to get comfortable hearing the word ‘no’ and respecting it. This can be tricky for some guys; when you’re raised in a culture that shares rapey messages like ‘no means yes, yes means anal’ and that makes wearing a woman’s rejections down with persistence seem romantic in movies and TV, recognizing the primacy of ‘no means no’ can take a little work.

As O’Reilly notes, that also means not applying pressure in the face of a ‘no,’ as well as respecting their pace and comfort level, and their communication styles around the subject.

Finally, she notes, “Don’t label them as ‘closed minded’ when you don’t agree.”

It’s true that some people are close-minded about sex, but having a boundary isn’t a sign of being close-minded, it’s a sign of a person articulating their comfort levels with a given sexual act or situation, and even if you don’t understand or feel frustrated by them, you should respect them nonetheless.

It might suck to hear a ‘no’ in the moment, but it’s much better than going through with something and realizing it was a deeply unpleasant or even traumatic experience for the other person.

Boundaries are kind of like friends who can offer tough love — the slight sting of the truth is a much preferable in the long run to only ever hearing what you want to hear.

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Source: AskMen

What Are Sexual Boundaries?

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