Here’s how to help your chances at finding a forever kind of love.
By Nicole Weaver — Last updated on Aug 29, 2023
Photo: G-Stock Studio | Shutterstock
Can you truly look for love in order to find it? Most people you ask would say no.
“I found love when I stopped looking for it,” is what most happy people in love say.
Quite a smug response, don’t you think? Now, we know that this isn’t really true.
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In 2015, a sociological researcher and professor at the University of Houston, Brené Brown, found that vulnerability has a lot to do with finding love. Brown has spent at least 19 years studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and worthiness.
In 2013, her TED talk, “The Power of Vulnerability,” was in the top 10 of the most viewed Ted Talks in the world.
People who are able to be authentic and reveal the imperfections that make them feel ashamed also have loving relationships.
“So very quickly — really about six weeks into this research — I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection in a way that I didn’t understand or had never seen. And so I pulled back out of the research and thought, I need to figure out what this is. And it turned out to be a shame,” explained Brown in the TED Talk.
The good news is that everyone is able to get to this place, so the chances of you finding love are good.
“The things I can tell you about it: it’s universal; we all have it. The only people who don’t experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection. No one wants to talk about it, and the less you talk about it, the more you have it.”
But it’s important to tell the person you love how you feel.
Explained Brown, “Vulnerability is basically uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure… I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad. My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty: Love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity to name a few. Learning how to be vulnerable has been a street fight for me, but it’s been worth it.”
So, although we like to put off showing our flaws to the ones we want to love, we should do it. Vulnerability isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign that we’re human.
And the person you want to love you will certainly appreciate that you aren’t afraid to feel. Plus, revealing hidden things about yourself is a great way for someone to get to know you.
You’ll have this person falling in love with you in no time.
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Nicole Weaver is a senior writer for Showbiz Cheat Sheet whose work has been featured in New York Magazine, Teen Vogue, and more.