Kink Myths It's Time We Stopped Believing

5 Myths Far Too Many People Still Believe About Kink, Debunked

So, you think you might be kinky.

Perhaps you find yourself aroused at the possibility of tying your partner up. Or you want to be tied up. Congrats on living life to the fullest and trying a flavor other than vanilla!

While being kinky is totally normal (research shows that 45–60% of the population is kinky), given the mass representation in the media, not to mention the fact that until recently, certain kinks were considered mental illness (ridiculous!), it’s normal to feel uneasy about your chocolate side.

“Kinks and fetishes are often unfairly pathologized when, in reality, they’re a normal aspect of human sexuality,” says clinical psychologist and sexologist Dr. Denise Renye.

Kink Basics to Understand

Before we dive into the myths, let’s review some of the types of kink. A kink is consensual erotic behavior that falls outside of the traditional cultural norm.

Common kinks include impact play (like spanking), role-playing, and bondage. But they can also include balloon fetishes, latex fetishes, and group sex. There are tons of wild kinks and fetishes out there that you might never even guess existed.

When getting kinky, it’s recommended to follow the RACK guidelines (that stands for risk-aware consensual kink). That means that the partners involved are all educated about the risks associated. (For example: If you’re trying spanking, there might be bruises; if you’re trying blood play, the risks are significantly more serious) Given these risks, all partners give informed consent.

“Most kink practitioners follow a model of engagement that centers risk-aware informed consent to mitigate danger and reduce harm,” says Dr. Dulcinea Alex Pitagora, an NYC-based psychotherapist and sex therapist. “As for danger, there’s no such thing as a danger-free interaction among humans. In the best of circumstances, humans can make mistakes in interactions, that goes for within kink scenes and also any other sort of human interaction.”

You’ll want to pick a safe word (make it something non-sexual, so there’s no mistaking what’s being invoked), and be sure to practice aftercare.

Aftercare involves taking care of one another after the kink goes down, whether that’s bringing ice for any bruises, cuddling, discussing the scene (the kinky play), and definitely enjoying snacks.

If you’re not sure where to start, what you’re into, or your partner’s limits, it can be helpful to make green/yellow/red lists together.

Anything you absolutely want to try falls in the green list. Activities you may be curious about but aren’t sure about yet fall into the yellow column. Red is what’s off-limits.

Creating a green/yellow/red list — sometimes called a yes/no/maybe list — and comparing yours with your partner’s (or partners’) is an excellent way to find your footing and help avoid misunderstandings.

5 Kink Myths It’s Time People Stopped Believing

Now, let’s dive into five of the most common kink myths:

Myth No. 1: Kink and BDSM Are the Same Thing

According to Dr. Pitagora, some people do consider kink and BDSM to be the same thing, which is why it’s crucial to communicate with partners about what the terms you’re using mean before jumping into things.

“I always say you need to ask the person in question how they feel about it, and there’s no wrong answer,” they explain. “BDSM is a specific acronym, so in some ways, kink seems broader, but any term can be defined differently by participants or the person identifying that way, so it’s always important to ask someone how they feel about their identity and how they define what they do.”

BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism, while kink is a term that encompasses all non-vanilla erotic activity. In short, all BDSM could be considered kinky, but not all kink falls under the umbrella of BDSM.

Myth No. 2: Being Kinky Means You Have Mental Health Issues or Trauma

Back in 1886, the German psychiatrist Richard Freiherr von Krafft-Ebing published “Psychopathia Sexualis,” which is one of the first books to describe and diagnose what were (erroneously) considered unusual sexual behaviors.

It was also one of the first works to discuss male homosexuality, and introduced terms like “masochism” (deriving pleasure from one’s own pain or humiliation) and “sadism” (deriving pleasure from others’ consensual pain or humiliation).

At the time, Freiherr von Krafft-Ebing saw sexual deviance as a mental illness that could be treated and cured, while we know now that it’s simply a normal and healthy expression of the infinite possibilities of human sexuality.

As a result of this history, however, people often think that being kinky means that there’s something unhealthy going on psychologically, or that kinky people have trauma.

It can get a little bit more confusing because plenty of kinky people do have trauma, and when done healthily, getting kinky can be a healthy (and fun) way to work through some of it. But that doesn’t mean that they’re always correlated.

“There are so many more people who have trauma who aren’t kinky because, unfortunately, there’s just a lot of trauma happening in the world,” explains Dr. Pitagora. “If someone is kinky and does have trauma, it’s good for them to engage in kink as long as they’re aware of their limits and boundaries and play with partners who they trust (this all goes for kinky or non-kinky people who have trauma or don’t have trauma).”

According to Dr. Pitagora, people working through their trauma “can do kink scenes that confront or mirror an aspect of their trauma, as long as it’s done with intention and the informed consent of the partner involved.”

Myth No. 3: Kink Is a 24/7 Lifestyle

Kink is couture. You can design it to fit your body, schedule, and needs.

For folks who engage in BDSM, or D/S (domination and submission), there’s often a misconception that folks stay in these roles constantly. And it’s true that 24/7 agreements between partners do exist, but that doesn’t mean that’s what everyone does — or even the majority.

“BDSM agreements can vary widely depending on the individuals involved and their preferences,” explains Renye. “Many BDSM dynamics are limited to specific scenes, sessions, or negotiated periods of time, allowing individuals to explore power dynamics within defined boundaries while maintaining autonomy outside of those parameters.”

Ultimately, both the structure and duration of any BDSM or kink agreements are decided by those involved.

Myth No. 4: Being a Sub Means You Give Up All Your Power

Within D/S dynamics, there is a dominant partner and a submissive partner. (Of course, those in non-monogamous relationships with more than one partner can enjoy more than one sub or dom(me).)

Remember, kink is couture, but submissives, despite consensually relinquishing control in bed, do not give up their power.

“Nobody is really giving up power in the context of a power exchange,” Dr. Pitagora says. “There’s an exchange of power role dynamics that I like to think of as a synergetic power equilibrium among partners.”

“Having said that, since the person assigned the submissive role can stop a scene for any reason at any time by withdrawing consent, calling a safe word, or just stopping, it can sometimes feel like they actually have more power than the person assuming the dominant role,” Dr. Pitagora adds.

Of course, the dominant partner can stop a scene, too, but in practice, it’s actually usually the submissive who calls those shots.

Myth No. 5: BDSM Always Leads to More Intense Sex Acts

Another myth that Dr. Pitagora encounters in their practice is that BDSM is similar to addiction, in that participants will always want to try something more extreme.

This myth refers to the fear that if you start, you will need to escalate. For instance, one may be afraid that if they’re into spanking, next they’ll escalate to choking, and before too long, they’ll be desiring blood play.

While there’s nothing wrong with allowing your kink palate to expand, this isn’t something one should be truly concerned about.

“Again, there is no reported evidence of this phenomenon; in fact, many report reaching a plateau during exploration that varies according to the individual,” Dr. Pitagora says. “Only in the case of those who prioritize novelty will it seem like exploration is escalating in intensity, but not necessarily, and intensity is relative and subjective.”

With those kink myths out of the way, go ahead and make green/yellow/red lists, establish a safe word, and get an aftercare plan in place.

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Source: AskMen