Here’s how to reignite the spark in your relationship.
By Jordan Gray — Last updated on Jun 12, 2023
Photo: Getty Images
Over time, it’s not uncommon for passion, sexual tension, and romantic energy to dwindle in a relationship.
Now, this isn’t an inevitability of being in a long-term relationship (I know many couples who have highly charged intimate relationships after being together for several decades). This is simply a common situation that most couples find themselves in after being together for a few years.
You might begin to take each other for granted. A sense of familiarity with each other’s bodies can take over. Small, unprocessed arguments start to stack up and resentment quietly builds, like a subtle din in your partnership.
Learning how to be more attractive and getting the spark back in your relationship isn’t as challenging as you might think it is. Even if you’ve been sitting on your lack of connection for years.
Like anything worth having, getting the spark back is going to require a bit of effort. An effort that is well worth it. That is if you’re a fan of being seen as a radiant sexual goddess who your partner adores and worships.
Some of these techniques will work so well (and so quickly), it’ll almost feel like you have too much power. And, as Gandhi once said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” Just kidding. Spiderman said that.
If you’ve found my website, I trust that your heart is in the right place. I would encourage you to only use these techniques with men who you are in a relationship with or are seriously invested in having committed to you.
Final note: remember that many of the following behaviors aren’t things that you’ll be adopting 24/7, but rather, they’re techniques you can use at your discretion at any moment when you want to boost or maintain sexual polarity with your partner.
Alright. On to the man-melting magic tips!
If you keep up these 10 habits, you’ll always be irresistibly attractive to men:
1. Extending your vowels when speaking
One of the fastest ways to be more attractive to your man at the moment is to extend your vowels when you’re speaking.
If you’re constantly rushing through your sentences and speaking to him like you’re in a boardroom, then eventually he’s going to start seeing you as more of a work colleague than a lover.
But if you get out of your head, drop into your body, and slow down the pacing with which you speak, this will draw him more deeply to you in an instant.
Believe me… there’s a huge difference in how men receive, “You look nice”, and “Baaaabyyy…. you look so haaandsommme!”
And, it should go without saying but don’t extend them to a comical/ridiculous degree. Just slow your speech down a bit compared to whatever your authentic, natural pace would be otherwise.
Sound too good to be true? Try it out. Don’t be surprised if he pounces on you and gives you all of the physical affection you could handle.
2. Inviting him into his senses
More often than not, men are living in their heads. One of the greatest gifts that the feminine can give to the masculine is to invite it back into the realm of the senses.
Say he’s rattling off numbers, goals, facts, and figures to you (maybe recounting his day to you over a home-cooked meal that you prepared for him), and you sense that he’s stuck in his head and not being very present with you.
You can counteract his headiness by offering him a spoonful of the food you made and saying, “Mmmmm… have you tasted this? It’s so fresh! Doesn’t it just dance on your tongue?” Or standing up, walking over to him, and kissing him on the cheek. Or rubbing his shoulders for a moment.
Anything you can do to bring him back into his body (by engaging his sense of smell, taste, touch, or sound) will work. And, in the moment that you do, he will see you as a gift. He will be reminded that he is an embodiment of the feminine flow of life, and he will drop out of his head and into the present moment with you.
The feminine reminds the masculine about life. It reminds the masculine that life is happening, right now… not far off in the future when goals and accomplishments are achieved. But today, at this very moment. Be a positive force that brings him back to his body, and he will begin to associate his presence, groundedness, and connection to his body with your positive influence in his life.
3. Complimenting him
While most men aren’t predominantly driven by praise, they still very much appreciate a genuine compliment from their lover once in a while.
In fact, because so many men are so used to being praise-deficient when they do receive one, it can come as quite a shock and be twice as powerful (compared to someone who receives compliments on a regular basis).
There are two things you’ll want to compliment the most (as long as these things are actually true for you).
First, you’ll want to compliment things that you perceive as being most central to his identity. Second, you’ll want to compliment things that you believe he feels the least confident about. I will give examples of each of these two things.
Say your man feels heavily identified with the work that he does in the world (not at all uncommon for a modern man). When was the last time you complimented your partner in regard to his career? Have you told him that you find his passion sexy? Have you told him that you find his dedication to mastery in his work life attractive? Have you told him that you love how lit up he gets when he talks about his job? If not, why not?
Again, you only ever want to deliver compliments that are 100% true for you, so if these themes aren’t readily accessible in your mind, set aside some time to think about what you see him as most identified with in his life, and then reflect back a compliment to him related to those themes.
Now on to the second type of compliments.
Everyone has insecurities. Man, woman, and child. Doesn’t matter.
What things is your unique man particularly insecure about that you are aware of? Are any of those insecurities mind-boggling to you? For example, perhaps your man is self-conscious about his body because he’s gained a few pounds, and yet you love that he isn’t as skinny as he used to be. If this is the case, tell him. Let it be known.
He may attempt to resist your compliment (‘You’re just saying that’) because your praise is touching on a soft spot for him… but persist with the compliment until you feel his position soften a bit. Even if he seems to only let it in 10% of the way, your words likely mean more to him than he is able to express to you in the moment.
Again, the compliment being genuine matters above all else. Don’t just say things because you think he wants to hear them.
Sit down, write up a list of things you love about him, and then make a concerted effort to bring one of those things to him once per week for a few months, and watch him grow in his confidence and his connection to you.
4. Speaking from your feelings instead of making demands
Alright, here comes another winner. The adoption or ignorance of this one small (but necessary) shift in communication can make or break a relationship.
What’s one societal trope that men in mainstream media always complain about? They complain about their partner being a nag. A nag, in this instance, is simply someone who is demanding, and/or asks a lot of their partner… often with a harsh tone to go along with their requests.
But here’s the kicker… it isn’t about the fact that women are somehow supposed to be needless and not ask for anything (not in the slightest)… it’s the way that they ask that can erode the quality of the relationship. Here’s why.
An intimate relationship needs some sense of polarity in order to function well. In other words, in every moment, it’s ideal that one partner is embodying the masculine charge, and the other partner is embodying the feminine. Again/as always, this has nothing to do with gender or orientation — at all.
So when a woman demands that her boyfriend/husband take out the trash, it isn’t necessarily the fact that she’s asking for something to be done that is the issue, it’s that the way that she is asking for it to be done, she is killing the polarity between them. That’s the real issue.
Here are some examples of what most people do, and what is a more beneficial way of going about those same situations.
Saying “Give me your coat” is a demand. Saying “Brrr… I’m cold” isn’t. The latter gives the man the opportunity to respond to your statement by doing something about it that he gets to make the decision on.Asking, “I’m starving… why don’t you ever make dinner for us anymore?” will kill polarity (being criticized, even subtly, doesn’t feel sexy for anyone). Saying, “Mmmm… I’m starting to get hungry” is an invitation that he can respond to while maintaining the charge of polarity.Saying, “When was the last time you planned a date night for us? It feels like it’s been forever…” will kill polarity. Saying, “I’d love to do something fun with you soon!”, is an invitation for him to fill in the gaps by creating a fun activity for the two of you.
The common through-line in these examples is that the person asking is speaking from their feelings (cold, hungry, desire for fun), as opposed to making direct demands.
To most men, the former sounds like a drill sergeant, and the latter sounds like a feminine goddess that they can help/nourish/serve. Even if it’s just placating our egos, who cares? Let us save the day every now and then. Love is ultimately about service, and we’re happy to be given opportunities to serve you with our gifts.
5. Making your own pleasure and happiness a priority
Ultimately, there is nothing more attractive than a person who is brimming with their own authentic joy.
If you’ve been feeling like you’re in a rut lately, this can often lead to feelings of disconnection and dissatisfaction in a relationship. And, unfortunately, the only way out is through. If you feel misaligned, stuck, or stagnant in your life, you have to do the hard work of getting yourself unstuck. Only you know where your true bliss lives.
Maybe that looks like taking up a new hobby, like dance classes or engaging in tai chi in the park. Maybe you want to invest more time into your self-pleasure practice to become more intimately acquainted with your body and sexual arousal. Or maybe you want to re-structure parts of your life so that you can sleep in as long as you want to and never have to do anything before noon.
Again, your happiness = your responsibility. Just as his happiness is ultimately up to him.
When you prioritize yourself in this way and set up your life so that you are brimming with joy, there is no greater gift you can give (to yourself, and to your partner). While I don’t subscribe to the ‘happy wife, happy life’ saying (as it reeks of codependency and emotional enmeshment), there is something to be said about it is much easier to be in a relationship with someone who cares about themselves highly enough to put their own happiness first (versus someone who self-abandons and blames the world around them for their sorrow).
Remember, you are ultimately responsible for your own happiness. Your partner isn’t a mind reader, and neither are you. You’re responsible for getting your own needs met, and once you do, you can bring your resulting joy to the relationship as the gift that it is.
6. Giving him your full trust more often
If you tend to second guess your man endlessly (in your head or out loud), he will inevitably feel this and slowly grow to resent you. The masculine wants to be trusted deeply. In fact, just last week one of my male clients said, “The greatest thing my wife could tell me is ‘I trust you.’ Nine times out of ten, that means more to me from her than I love you.”
Instead of questioning his every decision, give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Make generous assumptions about how he moves through his life. But only if you truly trust the man you are with. If you don’t trust him and you have lost respect for him, then that’s a whole other conversation (and you may need to have a difficult talk with him, or possibly even dissolve the partnership).
Try practicing full trust with him at different times throughout your relationship.
When he is driving the car that you are in the passenger seat of, let go of all control in your mind about how he is driving or what route he is taking. Trust his masculine direction, and drop into your full feminine flow.When you are making love and he is penetrating your body… breathe him all the way into you. Let his presence penetrate all the way to your heart. Fully surrender to the moment and trust in the way that he wants to make love to you at that moment. Let go fully, and your sexual and emotional connection will improve.When he makes dinner for you, don’t criticize his decisions on what he chose to make, or the specifics of how he made it. Trust that everything he is doing is coming from a place of love, and he is doing his absolute best. All he wants to do is please you and serve your heart so that it is filled with love. Trust in his process for how he attempts to get to that goal. If your mind starts to backslide into judgment, fear, control, or anxiety, then take a deep breath, and soften back into trust.
The ego loves control. The mind loves control. But not the heart. The heart knows nothing of control. The heart trusts fully. The heart loves fully.
So take a vacation from perpetually being on guard… judging and trying to control the moment… and drop into your heart. Trust your man totally, in moments of your choosing, and he will feel inspired to act like your king more often.
7. Getting in touch with your feminine energy
If you haven’t caught on to the overarching theme of this article yet, a lot of it could be boiled down to this one point.
You become more attractive to your man by embracing your sense of feminine aliveness. Bolstering your inner radiance. Getting in touch with your own heart and allowing it to shine brightly through how you show up in your life, and by extension, in your relationship.
But this isn’t always an easy thing to do, especially if you have pre-existing blocks around stepping into the fullness of your feminine heart.
Getting in touch with your feminine energy can often be difficult for certain women for a number of common reasons.
You have an unresolved emotional wound with your mother that you haven’t yet faced (and you swore to never be like her in X, Y, and Z ways).You shut off your feminine energy because it wasn’t safe to be radiant at some earlier point in your life.You were raised in a patriarchal society that prioritized masculine energy (be productive, get to the point, put on a suit, and de-prioritize joy), and leaned on your more archetypically masculine traits to fit in.
The short version of it is this: cultivate your relationship with your inner feminine. Move your body. Wear things that make you feel beautiful. Make space for play and lightness in your life. Allow yourself to receive in different areas of your life (gifts, massages, meals, people holding space for you, etc.).
Or, if connecting to your inner feminine looks nothing like the above list, then trust that and do what feels right for you.
8. Initiating things
Most men enjoy being the initiators of things. Date nights, sex, adventures. But having this responsibility fall squarely on their shoulders can feel tiresome over time.
So take on some of the energy it requires to be the fire-starter in your relationship and initiate sex/plans/date nights once in a while.
Now, in some relationships, the woman has a higher sex drive and she is already used to being the one who initiates. If this is the case for you, this point won’t apply as readily to you. In fact, you should probably lean back and give your partner space to initiate with you more often.
But in many relationships (at least the ones that the clients I interact with are in), the men initiate the majority of the sexual encounters.
Now, the point of choosing to initiate more isn’t to swing the pendulum to the opposite side of the spectrum and be the aggressor of all of your future sexual encounters. In that dynamic, you would then take on more of the masculine polarity and it might depolarize your connection rather rapidly.
As always, the dose makes the poison.
Swinging the pendulum so that you initiate 100% of the sexual encounters won’t be ideal, but neither will 0%. If you’re more on the 0% side of the continuum, try feeling what 10-20% feels like. If your partner responds well, keep it up.
He’ll appreciate the opportunity to have you help him… lighten his load (I had to).
9. Investing in your hygiene
While I don’t want this article to devolve into a Cosmo-style “Look super pretty for him 24/7 OMG LOL” fluff piece, hygiene is important for everyone in a relationship. But it’s not just for the benefit of it being easier and more pleasant to look at and be close to a buffed-up, nice-smelling person, but more for what the fact that you’re investing in your hygiene says about your relationship with yourself.
In essence, putting effort into your hygiene says that you care about yourself. You care about yourself enough to put energy into the daily maintenance of your body. And that you’re engaging in these behaviors in order to honor your relationship to yourself, and to the relationship.
This doesn’t have to be anything crazy.
In the same way that you can turn a messy bedroom into a tidy one with 5-10 minutes of daily upkeep, so too can you transform an unkempt appearance into an attractive, pleasant-smelling, nice-to-touch exterior.
When we’re young, it’s much easier to identify our bodies. And as we age, these attachments (to being perceived ‘as’ our bodies) tend to soften. In many ways, this is a blessing. We can finally let go of the self-obsession and anxiety that comes part and parcel with constantly fretting over our appearance.
But don’t let your relationship backslide to the point where you don’t give your body and appearance the time and attention they deserve.
Some quick tips to consider:
Find/pick/wear a signature scent that both you and your partner enjoy on you. Often, when it comes to perfumes and colognes, you get what you pay for. Most $20 perfumes aren’t going to be as pleasant to smell (or healthy for your body to wear) compared to most $200-300 bottles. As with anything to do with grooming and hygiene, individual preferences will vary, so choose whatever you (and your partner) most enjoy.Shower/bathe/do your basic, body-level grooming on a daily basis. Sure, skip some days when it makes sense. But, as a rule of thumb, treat your daily washing as just as non-negotiable as feeding yourself (which I assume you also do every day).Eat a balanced diet with ample vegetables and whole foods. If you eat a diet that largely consists of processed junk, then that is going to inevitably influence how you smell on a daily basis. You are what you eat. Don’t eat junk (unless you want to — at least eventually — look and smell like junk).Invest in your oral hygiene. Brush (well) and floss twice daily. Go to the dentist every 6-12 months for professional deep cleans. Nobody wants to make out with someone who has subpar oral hygiene. Conversely, nothing is more fun than making out with someone you love who takes care of themselves, head to toe.
Do you know that level of unstoppable confidence you feel when you get dressed up for a big night out that matters to you? Maybe getting ready to that extent takes you, say, two hours of preparation in total. Now, what would a scaled-down, 10-20 minute version of that look like that you could sustainably apply to your life on a daily basis? Decide on it, make it a priority, and carry it out as often as you can manage. You’ll walk through your life with that much more confidence, and your partner will also benefit from (and appreciate) your efforts.
10. Adorning yourself
When was the last time you gave your wardrobe an overhaul? Or bought yourself a new piece of jewelry that you love? How much joy do you feel, day to day, based on the things that you adorn your body with?
If you’ve covered your body in sweatpants and ripped t-shirts, and not worn any makeup in the last year, that would be a sad state of affairs.
Again, not because ‘you are a woman and therefore need to wear makeup as a form of paying rent to exist in the world’… but from the perspective of you deserving to look and feel amazing by your standards. I would say the same thing to a man who hadn’t gotten a haircut or worn a suit in the past decade. As vain as it might feel to admit it… it feels good to look good.
One of the most common complaints that I hear from my male clients about their long-term, live-in girlfriends/wives is that they wish their partners put a bit more effort into their appearance. And not because of how drastically their partner’s looks change when they do so, but more because they feel like their partner still cares about them and still wants to put in an effort.
Similarly how, if your man came home with flowers on a random Tuesday night (that wasn’t your birthday/anniversary/Valentine’s Day, etc.)… even if he got a flower that wasn’t your absolute favorite kind, just the thought and effort would be enough to warm your heart. The thought might pass through your mind, “My man cares about me. He really does love me.” And I’ve heard men explain their relationship to their partner’s grooming/self-adornment in a similar manner.
But again, it has to start with your relationship to the adornment. Do it for you, first and foremost. Find clothes/makeup/jewelry/perfume, etc. that fill your heart with joy. Then that joy will spill out of your beingness and he will feel it.
So that’s it.
Slow down/extend your speech sometimes, invite him into his senses, compliment him, speak to him from your feelings, make your pleasure a priority, trust him more fully, get in touch with your feminine energy, initiate occasionally, invest in your hygiene, and adorn yourself in a way that makes you feel more beautiful and alive.
Try out a sampling of whichever of these tips most appeals to you, and watch your intimate relationship flourish seemingly overnight.
And a quick reminder… don’t use all of these tips at once. If you attempt to integrate all ten of these tips with your man in the next week, it’ll overwhelm him in a way that he won’t be able to digest. Easy does it. Introduce one or two, to begin with, see how he responds, and then carry on from there.
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Jordan Gray is a five-time #1 Amazon best-selling author, public speaker, and relationship coach with more than a decade of practice behind him. His work has been featured in The New York Times, BBC, Forbes, The Huffington Post, and more.
This article was originally published at Jordan Gray. Reprinted with permission from the author.