How to Orgasm If You Struggle To
Struggling to Climax Is a Surprisingly Common Issue for Guys
Struggling to Climax Is a Surprisingly Common Issue for Guys
When people talk about sex, there’s often an assumption — stated or unstated — that they’re also talking about orgasms.
For a lot of people, sex without orgasm is barely sex at all. Of course, this is a very gendered assumption, in many cases, but more importantly, it’s a mindset that can make sex worse for everyone involved.
For instance, guys who are too focused on a partner’s orgasm can put so much pressure on those partners, they end up struggling to enjoy themselves.
However, what if it’s a case of a guy putting too much pressure on himself to have an orgasm?
This is not a hypothetical. Though it’s not the most common experience, at least compared to being able to orgasm easily, having difficulty orgasming is a normal occurrence that impacts tons of people of all genders, including men, both trans, and cis; in the case of people with penises, it’s often called DE (delayed ejaculation).
Of course, not being able to cum when everyone else talks about how great it is can be a very frustrating feeling. So in order to better understand why guys might be struggling to orgasm, and what they can do to address the issue, AskMen spoke to a couple of sex experts. Here’s what they had to say:
How Common Is It for Men to Struggle to Orgasm?
“This topic can sound shocking to some, including those who have read up on the orgasm gap — but sexual responses in people of all gender identities and bodies have things in common, and this is one,” says Carol Queen, Ph.D.
“Delayed orgasm and anorgasmia (no orgasm) are more common experiences than you might think,” agrees Jess O’Reilly, sexologist and host of the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast. “We’re often so hung up on ‘lasting longer’ that we don’t talk about the fact that many people don’t want to ‘last’ as long (for many reasons).”
“One study of 2,653 men found that the prevalence of delayed ejaculation and/or delayed orgasm is 7.3%,” O’Reilly adds. “It’s possible that the real figure is higher and that the experience is underreported due to shame and stigma.”
Though it may seem small, even a figure like 7.3% correlates to approximately 1 in 14 men. So if you’re experiencing this, though you may not be in the majority, you’re far from alone — that kind of number works out to a little under 10 million American men, for instance, and close to 200 million worldwide.
Reasons Guys Might Struggle to Achieve Orgasm
Though for many people — and guys especially — getting to ejaculation can seem super simple, that’s not the case for everyone.
“Although orgasm is a reflex, it generally depends on a level of arousal to happen,” says Queen. “If a person having sex (or masturbating) isn’t turned on enough, it’s harder (or impossible) to cum.”
As O’Reilly notes, “causes of difficulty having an orgasm might include performance pressure, distraction, stress, lack of knowledge about the body and pleasure (e.g. not knowing what you like and expecting a specific approach/path to lead to orgasm), drug interactions, exhaustion, lack of sensation or pressure.”
It could also, O’Reilly points out, stem in part or in whole from some different medical issues — things like “surgery, neurological issues, chronic illness, prostate health, or erectile dysfunction” — and if so, you’ll want to talk to a medical practitioner soon, since “erectile and ejaculation issues, including orgasm issues, can be a sign of other medical issues that you’ll want to address.”
One study, O’Reilly notes, found the following causes:
SSRI drugs – 42%
Psychogenic causes – 28%
Low testosterone levels – 21%
Sensation issues – 7%
Hyperstimulation – 2%
Psychogenic causes, meaning causes that begin in the mind, include many of the factors O’Reilly noted earlier, but Queen notes that they could also include “dealing with mental/emotional issues, including a history of trauma,” “relationship problems,” or “being raised in a shame-filled environment.”
Or, if your sexuality is at odds with what you think you’re supposed to be aroused by, repeatedly seeking out partners or sex that doesn’t actually turn you on may be the problem, says Queen.
“A person trying to suppress, or who is not consciously aware of, other attractions, or lack of attraction, could find that this impairs turn-on and, hence, orgasm,” she explains. “(I’m talking about issues like a guy who is in fact asexual; or who might be gay but is trying not to be.)”
If you can orgasm during masturbation but struggle to with a partner, your relationship to masturbation could be part of the issue, Queen says.
“Masturbation practices can make a difference in the way a guy responds during partner sex,” she explains. “This won’t be the case for everyone, but for those who expect their response to be the same in both contexts, or who masturbate with a tight grip and/or quite fast, those practices can lead to a certain level of ‘bodily expectation’ — that is, you can train yourself to respond to stimuli you wouldn’t necessarily find in partner sex.”
You might also be internalizing a pressure not to ejaculate prematurely — that could be impacting your ability to climax generally.
“A really prevalent misunderstanding about hetero partner sex is that a man has to last a long time in order to please his female partner,” says Queen. “This can cause some men — perhaps even without realizing they’re doing it — to hold back re: their response to erotic stimulation during partner sex. Hold back enough, and it can be hard to unleash yourself when you decide it’s time.”
Finally, part of the problem may be a vicious circle: Worrying about not being able to climax will, in fact, make it harder to.
“Struggling, itself, can put a damper on orgasm,” says Queen. “If a man (or anyone, any gender) is worried about their responses, about how they are going to ‘perform’ (this is not a good way to think about sex, as it has real implications for comfort and self-esteem!), gets in a brain loop about whether they are going to come this time, it will impede their ability to get aroused enough to cum.”
How to Orgasm More Easily
Determine Whether It’s a Medical Issue
“First, talk to your doctor/medical practitioner to rule out medical and health issues,” says O’Reilly.
Since erectile issues, which are associated with DE, are often caused or impacted by health conditions, this should be your first line of inquiry, even if other aspects of your health seem fine.
“Since doctors unfortunately don’t always get as much training about sexual issues as many patients expect, and some are pretty uncomfortable talking about sex (try to get a doc who is comfortable and informed!) — you might need to seek out specialists,” Queen adds. “But since the people who do get lots of training are sex therapists and clinical sexologists, it might be wise to seek that level of expertise too.”
Determine Whether It’s Impacted by Your Partner
Struggling to orgasm during partnered sex and struggling to orgasm during masturbation are potentially different problems, so figuring out which one (or both) is the case is important.
“He can pay attention to his responses for a while to determine if they show him useful, actionable info,” says Queen. “For instance: Does he cum more easily solo than partnered? Does he start out turned on but lose momentum? Does he have erection issues that worry him? Does he have anxiety of other sorts? Are there situations where he’s fine, and can he tell why that might be?”
If you’re fine to climax by yourself but struggle with another person, O’Reilly suggests you “think about what’s different when you’re on your own, and do more of that.”
“Do you use more lube or pressure? Do you use erotica? Do you fantasize? Do you take time to relax and be at ease? Sometimes the mere presence of a partner can create undue pressure and you may have to open up and take steps to ease this pressure.”
Try Stimulating Other Parts of the Body, Too
While the penis is understood to be the most sensitive part of cis men’s sexual selves, it’s far from the only part of the body that can be stimulated erotically.
“Consider other hot spots beyond your penis: perineum, prostate, nipples, anus,” says O’Reilly.
Guys can “try anal stimulation with a prostate toy,” Queen agrees. “Prostate play can add a whole different level of arousal and neurological stimulation.”
Experiment When It Comes to Masturbation
If a guy’s struggling to orgasm, says Queen, “noticing his responses and actions specifically during masturbation might help him hone in on what he’s used to (if he frequently masturbates) and what might be different: things like grip, speed, lube or none, any toy use, fantasy, porn, acts he doesn’t experience at all during partner sex (perhaps like anal touch/penetration), etc.”
“Masturbation is also a fruitful place to experiment with slowing down, adding lube, and seeking ways to more closely match our ability to respond solo vs. with another person,” she adds. “If he’s a ‘hard-grip-fast-j/o’ person, he might want to explore soft sleeve toys to help his body get more accustomed to a softer and more enveloping context for stimulation.”
Engage in Edging or Refraining From Masturbating
“If he masturbates a lot, he might find cutting back,” says Queen, “especially the few days before having sex with a partner can help.”
That’s because of the refractory period, the term for how long it takes before you can have a second orgasm. While people with vaginas typically have very short or nearly non-existent refractory periods, people with penises will find that theirs grow longer as they age.
For instance, an average teenage boy can experience several orgasms in the span of an hour, but by middle age, men are often unable (or struggle to) have more than one in a multi-hour period.
Going without an orgasm in the period leading up to partnered sex, therefore, could mean your body is primed and ready to finally have one; masturbating but stopping before you reach orgasm, a version of edging, could also improve your odds of reaching climax.
Work on Getting to Know Your Body
Part of the problem might be that you don’t know a lot about how your body works yet — regardless of what age you are or where you live, sex education is often lacking, and it’s common for people to go through their lives not knowing certain things about sexuality, or believing myths instead.
“If there is any chance he hasn’t learned a lot about sexuality, he might want to get more info,” says Queen. “Books, internet info from reputable sex educators, etc.”
It’s also important to remember that “turn-on and erections do ebb,” Queen says. This is “super common,” she points out, noting that, “A man who doesn’t know this can psych himself out and not get the groove back.”
You might also want to “take time to touch [yourself] for pleasure,” O’Reilly suggests. “Mindfulness practices can help. I have a whole course on Mindful Sex that can help to address a range of sexual issues from low libido to orgasm difficulties to erectile dysfunction.”
Working on exploring bringing yourself to orgasm in a slow and low-pressure way can help you get in touch with what works for you.
Explore Different Sexual Pleasure Options
“Explore a wider range of sexual pleasure options: lube, toys, vibes, penis rings, fantasy, erotica and anything else that puts you at ease and increases pleasure,” says O’Reilly. “If you have trouble with orgasm during P-V intercourse, consider using your hand, a vibrator or a ring around the base of your shaft for extra pressure.”
If you’re struggling to orgasm, you can also “explore Tantra (big slow-down-and-focus energy!) via workshops with a partner or via books or videos,” says Queen.
Or, she notes, you might consider Sensate focus, which is “a practice, kind of like mindfulness, that involves paying attention to sensation in your body. This is a good practice to get into — it can help you recognize turn-ons and situations where the turn-on ebbs.”
Try to Let Go of Any Shame You Feel
Because of the way being a sex god is construed as an important aspect of being a manly man, falling short in any way can be seriously discouraging, and it could make you feel embarrassed.
“It’s OK if you can’t orgasm quickly (or at all),” says O’Reilly. “In fact, you may be able to have more fun focusing on pleasure as opposed to one specific outcome.”
“Having said that,” she adds, “I realize that sex is often painted as a singular act and it can be hard to shed those expectations.”
If nothing else, work on being gentle with yourself as you deal with this. Pressure and stress will only make it harder to orgasm, not easier, so do your best to avoid thought patterns that produce those feelings.
Talking About Your Orgasm Frustrations
When it comes to talking about this with a partner, open communication and problem-solving can go a long way towards not just resolving the issue, but also helping one or both of you feel less stressed about it.
Communicate Your Desires Honestly
Though it can be hard to talk about sex with a partner, avoiding it is unlikely to help, especially if there are things they could be doing that would impact your comfort levels or arousal.
“When talking to your partner, start with what you love: what feels good physically, erotically, emotionally, etc.,” says O’Reilly. “You may also want to show them what feels good for you — especially if you’re able to orgasm with ease when you’re on your own. A little show and tell can go a long way.”
A fun mutual masturbation session could be just the thing you need to kick off a new era of sexual openness with each other.
Don’t Turn the Issue Into a Blame Game
Though the things your partner does and doesn’t do can have a big impact on your ability to orgasm, blaming them for your struggles is a bad move.
“Never ever blame your partner,” says Queen.
On the other hand, she adds, “Never ever accept blame from your partner. These are red flags and signal you likely need couples’ therapy. The two of you will need to work out understanding and possible solutions together; shaming attitudes are not going to help you do this. At best in this situation, one or both partners is mistaken about how sex goes and is superimposing assumptions that are not correct.”
Try to Reset Expectations
“Some folks may personalize their partner’s orgasm,” says O’Reilly. “That’s on them. It’s not your job to orgasm in order to validate your partner. And at the same time, the way they feel and react will affect you, so it’s also OK to offer some reassurance. You can let them know that this is how your body reacts, and it’s not about the sex itself or the partner.”
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Source: AskMen
