How to Make Your Sexual Fantasy Into a Reality
Here’s How to Make That Bedroom Fantasy Happen in 8 Steps
Here’s How to Make That Bedroom Fantasy Happen in 8 Steps
Maybe you have a burning desire to meet up with your partner at a hotel bar, pretend you’ve never met each other, and let a wild “one-night stand” ensue.
Maybe you saw someone get tied up in a movie recently and thought, “That might be fun.” Or maybe you’re a little curious about what it might be like to watch your partner be intimate with someone else.
Regardless of what your bedroom fantasies are, you’re at the point where you’re ready to make them a reality — you’re just not exactly sure how.
FYI — if you’re in a committed relationship and feeling a little shy about bringing these fantasies up to your partner, rest assured you’re not alone.
In a survey of more than 4,000 American adults, Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a Kinsey Institute senior research fellow and scientific advisor at Lovehoney / Arcwave, discovered that two-thirds of people don’t share their sexual fantasies.
And another recent study found that more than half of respondents aren’t sexually satisfied because they’re not exploring their true desires.
“A lot of people said they were hesitant because they were worried about how their partner would react, they felt embarrassed, and they just didn’t know how to go about telling their partner in the first place,” Lehmiller tells AskMen. “More often than not, people report positive experiences sharing their fantasies.”
In addition to the intimacy-boosting benefits, Lehmiller notes that sharing your fantasies can be a form of foreplay in itself — acting as a form of dirty talk that boosts arousal.
So, ready to bring those fantasies to fruition? Here are the steps experts advise taking.
1. Identify & Research Your Fantasies
When your mind wanders during a hookup or a solo pleasure session, what are the kinds of things you start thinking about?
More importantly, what are those trusty images or situations you visualize that always help you to finish? If you watch porn, what are the types of categories or storylines you seek out? These are the fantasies you might want to consider trying.
Once you’ve identified your fantasies, it’s time for research. (We know, homework doesn’t sound sexy — but stay with us here.)
“For example, if you’re thinking about exploring a threesome or opening up your relationship, read some guidebooks like The Ethical Slut or The Jealousy Workbook,” says Lehmiller. “These can give you a lot of ideas that you might not have previously considered in terms of how to approach the fantasy safely.”
2. Time Your Conversation
There’s a right place and time for talking about your bedroom fantasies.
If your partner just got home from a stressful workday and their mental energy and patience is running low, that’s probably not the best time to have a vulnerable conversation that requires active listening and empathy.
If you’re hooking up with someone new and you’ve already started tearing your clothes off, you probably don’t want to bring up your wildest fantasies during the heat of the moment — because hormones have already started firing and you’re not in a clear enough headspace to talk through boundaries.
Instead, consider bringing it up to a committed partner while cuddling on a Sunday morning, or to a hookup partner before you’re in the heat of the moment — on the walk back to your apartment, say.
“It’s important to create an environment where both of you feel safe to express desires without fear of judgment,” says Pamela Madsen, a certified somatic sex educator and founder/president of Back to the Body. “Choose a calm, relaxed moment, to introduce the conversation. Make it clear that this is about exploring connection, not creating pressure.”
3. Use Gentle Language
The last thing you want is for a partner to join you in a fantasy solely because they feel pressured or obligated, right? That’s why Madsen suggests framing your fantasies as an invitation for joint exploration.
“It’s important to soften the language to reduce any expectation,” she explains. “Avoid saying, ‘I want you to do this,’ which feels like a demand. Instead, use ‘What if we…” or ‘I wonder if…” language to inspire curiosity and imagination.”
Here’s a sample script from Madsen to try:
“I’ve been wondering what it would be like to play with power dynamics a little — like, what if one of us took on more of a dominant role in bed? Does that sound intriguing to you at all?”
4. Be Specific
The more specific you can get with your fantasies, the better. This will help you to more effectively communicate them to your partner, ensure you’re both on the same page and increase your likelihood of actually getting off.
“Provide clear and detailed descriptions of your fantasy to ensure your partner fully understands your desires,” says Naomi Zelin, a holistic sex and relationship therapist at Humbly Elevated. “This can help avoid misunderstandings and increase the chances of fulfillment.”
For instance, instead of saying, “I’ve been thinking about experimenting with a little BDSM,” — which can involve a wide range of acts, you might say, “I’ve never been blindfolded during sex and I think I’d like to try it — how do you feel about it?,” or “I keep thinking about how hot it would be to handcuff you to the bed, is that something you’d ever be open to trying?”
5. Start Small
“You don’t have to jump into the full fantasy right away,” says Madsen. “Begin with elements of it to test the waters and see how it feels for both of you.”
For example, if you have a fantasy involving sex in a public place, consider starting by whispering something X-rated into your partner’s ear while in public.
Or, if your fantasy entails role play, Madsen suggests incorporating smaller gestures or language that mimics the dynamic you’re going for before you start donning any elaborate costumes.
Lehmiller calls this a “practice run” of your fantasy.
“You dial down the intensity a bit so you can practice communication and try something new in a lower-stakes way,” he explains. “Start low and go slow. You can always add in other elements later.”
6. Use Apps to Your Advantage
Newsflash: If you’re single or in an open relationship, there’s an app for just about every kink and fantasy you could possibly imagine.
For example, KinkD and Fetish are geared towards anyone interested in BDSM, while #open and the swinger-friendly Feeld are for anyone interested in exploring consensual non-monogamy.
The beauty of these apps is that most users will indicate their fantasies right within their profiles, so it’s super easy to find sexually compatible matches, particularly if you’re willing to upgrade to a paid profile.
7. Get Clear on Boundaries
Whether you’re in a long-term relationship or having a one-night stand, experts agree you should always discuss sexual boundaries before the fun stuff starts.
“This creates trust and ensures both partners feel safe and comfortable,” says Madsen.
Madsen and Lehmiller even recommend establishing a safe word you can use to signal if things feel too intense and you need to take a breather.
As Lehmiller points out, “no” can sometimes feel like the hardest word to say in the bedroom — particularly with a hookup partner you don’t know very well — which is why a safe word can come in handy.
“Safe words can be useful no matter what type of fantasy you’re acting on — they’re not just for BDSM,” explains Lehmiller. “Safe words offer a way of clearly and unambiguously communicating that things have moved past your comfort zone.”
8. Be Patient (and Ready to Pivot)
Be prepared for the possibility that your partner may not be down to dive right into your fantasies with you.
“That doesn’t mean you’re sexually incompatible or that one of you is ‘right’ and the other ‘wrong,’” explains Leigh Norén, a sex and relationship therapist and intimacy coach. “This is where openly communicating is key — maybe there are parts of the fantasy your partner would be open to trying but not the whole shebang. Or maybe they’d be more open to exploring a fantasy related to the one you brought up.”
Norén says it can be useful to get curious about why your partner is resistant to exploring your fantasy — but remember, they’re not obligated to explain or justify anything to you: no means no, and you have to honor that.
Court Vox, a senior sexological bodywork practitioner and sex and intimacy coach with Back to the Body, advises asking questions like:
“What might make this fantasy more enticing to you?” or “Would you be open to revisiting the idea of this fantasy at a later date?”
“Take a step back and have a broader conversation about what each of you want from sex,” adds Lehmiller. “Ask the question, ‘How do you want to feel during sex?’ Talk about the sensations — physical and emotional — you each want to experience.”
“Once you tap into each partner’s core erotic themes, you can then try to build a new, custom fantasy that meets everyone’s needs,” he explains. “It may not look much like your original fantasy, but it can still offer you the things you want to experience.”
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Source: AskMen
