Struggling to Get Lucky? Here’s What You Need to Know
Struggling to Get Lucky? Here’s What You Need to Know
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Getting someone to have sex with you just once might sound easy. But like other simple-sounding tasks, a wrong turn can leave you in a lot of bother.
A study by Durham University found that a depressing 54% of women had positive feelings about their last hook-up or sexual encounter — with the main downers being that they felt used and/or unappreciated, or found it far from sexually satisfying. It’s the kind of damning feedback that could make you punch a whiteboard at work.
This, however, is the right way to go about it.
Be Prepared to Put Some Work In
Tinder has cajoled us into thinking casual sex is ours for as little investment as saying ‘Hey!’ or iMessaging a stranger a photo of our intimate bits. The realistic outcome? Cock blocked (with the emphasis on the second word). Of 1,500 users of Hinge — a dating app that matches via social media connections — only 2% wanted a hook-up over a relationship. Even if women do, there’s a hurdle: Brunel University found that while men drop their one-night standards, women raise them. In the study, both sexes were given three options — go out, come to apartment, go to bed — then shown partners of varying attractiveness. Men picked ‘bed’ regardless of looks, while women only accepted ‘bed’ from men who were very good looking. So next time you’re swiping, put some legwork into that finger-work.
Where to Find a One-Night Stand
It should go without saying that there are better and worse places to look for a one-night stand. The obvious solution is to go directly to a hook-up app, where everyone involved shares a common goal (we’ve linked some of the best at the bottom of this post). But if you’re more of an in-person kind of guy, or if you’ve tried the apps without success, there are some places worth checking out. Bars and clubs, where people go to blow off steam and have a good time, are a great place to start. House parties are another great option. If you’re lucky enough to get invited to a wedding, well, lucky you: weddings, paradoxically, are great places to meet single people looking for a good time.
Don’t Race to Seal the Deal
Recognizing that a woman finds you attractive or intriguing is not your cue to race to the finish line. Unless your life expectancy is four hours long, bolting from the dating apps to the bar to the bedroom only suggests to a woman that you have minimal lasting power in the sack. That’s a signal that’s going to send your stock plummeting, so don’t rush. Instead, enjoy the pre-sex part: don’t get too drunk (if you do, before sex is the time to call the event off — not mid-sex when you feel a wave of queasiness…), memorize her name, and find some protection. By which I mean contraception, not a back-up plan. Safe sex is a must, especially for a casual encounter, for all the obvious reasons (pregnancy, STDs).
Make It Worth Her While (as Well as Yours)
For years, people assumed women’s reluctance to engage in no-strings sex was through fear of developing emotional attachment. More recent research suggests something less complimentary: women just don’t get much pleasure out of it. New York University looked at 24,000 people’s hook-ups and found only 40% of women had an orgasm in their last one-nighter compared to 80% of men. Sociologist Elizabeth Armstrong’s research was even more concerning, putting it closer to the 10% mark for ladies. One woman, of her 15,000 interviewees, admitted, “I will do everything in my power to like whoever I’m with, to get [him] off.” On the likelihood of returning the favor, a man replied, “In a hook-up, I don’t give a sh*t.”
Stay the Right Side of Filthy
When it comes to the wildness of our abandon, experts agree that both sexes frequently feel emboldened by casual sex’s fleeting nature. “On a one-night stand, a woman might feel more comfortable saying something like, ‘pull my hair’ because she won’t see you again. Whereas if you say to someone long-term, ‘stick your finger up my butt’, you’ve still got to have breakfast with them,” says clinical sexologist Naomi Hutchings. However, don’t show off: two satisfying, rhythmic positions beats seven awkward attempts — and remember you’re still not a porn star. If you’d get a slap attempting it with a girlfriend, a one-night stand — i.e. someone’s future girlfriend — is unlikely to appreciate it, either. And it should go without saying, but unprotected sex with someone you don’t know is not good filthy; use a condom, people!
Consider Staying the Night
Bolting as soon as sex is over is anticlimactic and rude, and “I’ve got work in the morning,” is a cliche get-out-of-jail card. If your partner is expecting you to stay the night, leaving immediately will make them feel second rate and diminish the overall experience, so in this case it would be polite to stay over. However, if she’s already called herself a ride or is dropping hints that you should leave, you’re off the hook for spending the rest of the night together. This one’s all about reading cues and treating your partner with respect, so use your judgement.
But Don’t Fake Emotion
If there’s one key rule for successful one-night stands, it’s being crystal clear about your intentions. For all the bravado we spout about the lack of emotions involved with casual sex, it’s essentially hubris, because there are always feelings involved, from anxiety that one person is getting used to morning-after guilt — or, hey, even just simple joy. You’re trying to minimize negative emotions, and the best way to do this on either side is absolute honesty about what the experience involves (i.e. that it’s one night only). Do not undo this clarity with mixed messages: asking about your partner’s family goals, suggesting going out for brunch afterwards, and even getting her number all hint at the potential for something more. Women can thrive on the thrill and brevity of a one-night stand just as much as men, but these emotional add-ons can complicate matters. A simple, “I had a great time with you” or “Thanks for the hot night” as you offer to call her a ride is fine.
What to Do if You Catch Feelings
There you were, determined to be cool and nonchalant and all about the bachelor lifestyle, when you ended up meeting a woman who’s attractive, smart, funny, and so electric in bed that you want round two (or a friends with benefits situation). Life is so unfair sometimes! Don’t blame your personal resolve: A study in Archives of Sexual Behavior found that 45% of men actually hoped their one-night stand would become a committed relationship — so much for the stereotype about “clingy ladies,” huh! Be open to the possibility that a less transient relationship could unfold, while also staying realistic about the chances.
Best One-Night Stand Apps and Websites
Of course, not all one-night stands happen organically between people who’ve just met. If you’re looking to get lucky while on a business trip or vacation, consider using one of these hookup sites to improve your odds:
AskMen Recommends: Sometimes it pays to cut to the chase and use a dating site that’s specifically for no-strings-attached fun. Premised on discretion and respect and with a global user base consisting of millions of people looking for sex rather than long-term commitment, XMatch is bound to help you score the one-night stand you’re looking for — or perhaps even a threesome.
Check out XMatch
AskMen Recommends: Another good alternative to relationship-focused dating sites is FriendFinder-X, a hookup site promising to link you to the world’s sexiest people. Sign up is easy and joining is free, and then you’ll be browsing the sometimes X-rated profiles of thousands of gorgeous women looking to throw caution to the wind for the night.
Check out FriendFinder-X
Adult Friend Finder
AskMen Recommends: Adult Friend Finder is an award-winning adult dating site where you can not only find hot women for casual, in-person sex, but also for nude cam chats if you prefer to remain in the comfort of your own home. The site has made almost 6 million connections so far, so you know you’re in good hands for finding a one-night stand quickly and without hassle.
Check out AdultFriendFinder
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One-Night Stand Rules