How To Be More Confident In Bed

Become More Confident In Bed In Five Simple Steps

I’m going to let you in on a little secret: Even some of the most confident women get anxious about sleeping with someone new for the first time. The only difference being that feeling this way doesn’t directly, err… impact our ability to get the job done. There’s probably nothing that kills a boner faster than the anxiety of not being able to perform. And then trying to explain to the woman you’re sleeping with that it’s totally “not her” definitely doesn’t help things, either.

Lost hard-ons aren’t the only fallen soldiers of bedroom anxiety. There’s also the whole issue of trying to hold out long enough to ensure that your woman enjoys her time in the sack with you.

Hard times for a player (or, you know, not). So what can you do to up your bedroom mojo? Here’s what experts and real men have to say about how to overcome anxiety and be more confident in bed.

1. Educate Yourself

One of the best things you can do in order to feel more confident in virtually any area of life is to expand your knowledge in said area. Unfortunately, they don’t teach “how to please women 101” in Sex Ed.

“Sex education usually just covers the basics of biology,” says certified counselor Jonathan Bennett. “Guys aren’t normally taught how to please a woman. Usually, that comes through experience and open communication with partners. Consequently, men with little sexual experience can feel insecure and clueless, leading to a lack of confidence in themselves and lack of pleasure for the woman during sex.”

So what can you do to get up to speed?

“My advice to men with little sexual confidence is to read up on tips, methods, and tricks to be better in bed.”

Bennett recommends exploring the free resources out there to get a leg up on your learning, like learning more about how to finger your partner, for instance.

“There are great free articles and videos on the internet that explain in specific detail ways to please a woman sexually,” Bennett says.

“For me it was discovering that drinking a little can help longevity, but also just learning how to give good head. If you can do that, the rest of your performance isn’t as heavily scrutinized. Practice and earnest discussions with women about what they liked, what they didn’t like, etc. also helped. Learning by watching porn isn’t the best. Unless it’s woman-on-woman. Dude porn stars are not generally very adept.”
–Scott, 29

2. Get Realistic About What Women Want

Another issue that’s likely killing your confidence in the sack is focusing on what the media tells you that women value when it comes to things like penis size and the duration that sex is “supposed to” last.

“The men I have treated in my practice who’ve had anxiety in bed usually worry about penis size or ‘holding out’ so they can last longer for their partner,” says psychologist Kelley Kitley, L.C.S.W.

“We can’t do anything about size, other than an acceptance model,” she says. “I help men restructure their thoughts around performance and relaxation to enjoy being in the present moment by being mindful versus racing to the finish. Sexual intimacy is more about quality versus longevity for most. A good orgasm can take all of two minutes, and 80% of women orgasm by clitoral stimulation rather than penetration.”

Getting clear on your woman’s specific needs will also help your cause.

“Men can increase confidence by knowing their partner’s body,” says Kitley, “asking what she likes and having her teach you instead of making assumptions. Many men report what turns them on is being able to pleasure their partner, so make that a goal and your confidence level will be booming!”

“The first few times I slept with my now-girlfriend, it was a disaster. Partly because we were both very drunk, but also because I had this idea in my head that I needed to be inside her for at least 10 minutes before finishing. But we were doing it while wearing whiskey blankets, so I could never seem to get there, and it’d make for a really awkward ending to things, if you’re picking up what I’m putting down. Finally, on round three (when we were also more sober) she pretty much held me down, made me finish within minutes, and then showed me how to rub her to make her finish. We’ve been good ever since.”
–Steve, 24

3. Stop Viewing Sex As A “Performance”

Intercourse is a two-person effort. If it wasn’t, you’d just be masturbating. The key to stop feeling pressure to perform is to stop viewing sex as a performance where you’re the star — and that if you mess it up, it’s all on you.

“Guys sometimes feel anxious about sexual interactions because they think of sex as something on which they’ll be judged,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Jill Whitney. “They may think they have to look or act like porn stars — and nothing could be further from the truth. Most porn is designed to appeal to men; what’s shown is not at all what’s appealing to most women. Porn is a lousy template for a guy who wants to be a good lover.”

Feeling this way also leads men to detach themselves from the act in order to self-evaluate their performance as it’s happening.

“If you’re feeling very self-conscious about sex, you may find yourself ‘spectatoring,’ or thinking so much about how the other person sees you that it’s almost as if you’re a spectator to the sex rather than a participant,” Whitney explains. “This is no fun for you, and probably not so great for your partner either, because she may sense that you’re not really there.”

So, how can you kick this bad habit?

“To avoid spectatoring and overthinking, relax into your body,” says Whitney. “Ease out of your spinning mind and into the sensations of being with the person you’re with. Notice the look and feel and taste of her. Notice how her body responds to you and how yours responds to her. You can build an awesome, positive spiral of noticing and responding that’s really sexy.”

“I’m a reformed jack-hammerer. Meaning for all of the girls I slept with up until my current one, I did them hard and fast, like I was the star of a porno. In retrospect I feel bad about it, but looking back none of them ever asked for anything different, so I figured that what I was doing was OK. And I was getting off so, win-win, right? Then I met the girl I’m dating now, and she made me have sex with her really slowly. I panicked the first time, because I was worried it wouldn’t feel as good, and that I wouldn’t be able to finish. But doing it that way was more intense of a build up, rather than trying to get there as hard and as fast as possible. I don’t look at it as a performance now, no. But if I did, she’s definitely the star.”
–Robbie, 32

4. Put More Effort Into Your Appearance

If you’ve been putting off reimplementing a gym routine, haven’t been eating that great, and your closet mostly consists of ironic t-shirts and worn-out jeans, well then, of course you’re not going to feel confident stripping down and giving it to your girl. The fastest way to boost your confidence? Build it from the outside in.

“If you’re overweight, work on your fitness and lose weight,” says relationship expert April Masini. “There’s no better aphrodisiac than feeling like you look good, so give yourself that gift. Go to the gym. Do pilates. Get active and start eating well. You’re going to feel really good about your body when you’ve lost the weight or gotten fit and that’s going to make you way less self conscious in bed — in fact, you’ll be confident about your body.”

In addition to working out, show the rest of your body some love. “Also, get yourself some great grooming products,” Masini says. “You’ll feel good about yourself and you’ll see the reaction of your partner, which’ll just boost your own confidence. From the top of your head to the bottom of your feet, get your hair (all of it), nails, skin and teeth in great shape! This is a project that will increase your confidence, in bed and out.”

“My confidence for sure took a dip when I put on weight last winter. Once the warmer weather came around, I felt so down on myself that I didn’t even want to go out and meet anyone — let alone sleep with them. I got strict with myself in July, started eating right and working out again, and before I knew it my best friend was pissed and complaining that I was stealing all the girls from him when we were out together at the bar. I don’t think you have to go through a whole makeover, but losing some weight and buying some new clothes really can’t hurt.”
–Lou, 26

5. Slow It Down

When we get nervous, our natural reaction is to speed through whatever it is we’re doing. A phone call. A speech at work. An explanation to a police officer. Sex with another person. So the next time you feel anxious in bed with a partner, slow the eff down and don’t race through it.

“Being nervous might make you rush the sex — but rushing may make you more anxious, and it’s less pleasurable for the other person,” says Whitney. “Women take much longer than men to be ready for penetration. She may be ready-ish; she may say she’s ready (possibly because she’s learned to rush herself along, because that’s what unsophisticated partners have pushed her for). Take your time and wait until she’s really ready — so hot and bothered that she just can’t wait anymore.”

To get her to that point, take it slow, and pay attention to her reactions.

“Be curious about what’s exciting to this particular partner at this specific moment,” says Whitney. “What kinds of touch and kissing get her aroused? Does she just love kissing your mouth? Does her body arch when you kiss her neck? Does her pulse race when you slowly touch her in the small of her back? If you focus on her pleasure, you’ll be so busy building your own excitement off her excitement that you won’t have a moment to be anxious.”

“The first time I had sex with my ex I kept going soft. It was pretty embarrassing, and I didn’t want her to think that it was her. I started to apologize, but she stopped me mid-sentence and said, ‘Can you run your tongue over my nipple?’ without missing a beat. As if nothing had happened and she was ordering a sandwich at Subway or something. I remember thinking that was so hot, and so I started doing that for her, and after a few minutes she told me to stop ignoring the other nipple, so I moved over to that one. I kept complying to her requests, for wherever she wanted my mouth on her body. I was hard again but I hadn’t even thought about trying to put it back in her, and then she grabbed it and slipped it into her. Before she started telling me what she wanted me to do to her, my plan was going to be to just keep trying to get hard — and then to give it to her as fast as I could once I did so that I didn’t lose it. But she completely turned the whole thing around and took my mind off of it.”
–Zack, 24

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Source: AskMen