Fake vs. Real Orgasms

Here’s What You Should Know About Real vs. Fake Climaxes

If you’ve spent any time watching porn, or talking about sex, or watching certain TV shows, you’ve probably heard of the concept of the ‘fake’ orgasm — when someone pretends to climax during sex when they’re not actually experiencing one, and when they may not even be aroused at all to begin with.

Hearing that can be anxiety-inducing for some guys. If you take some of your self-esteem from the idea that you’re good in bed, and you think you’re good in bed because you made someone cum, the possibility that you didn’t actually make them cum can mean that you’re not a good lover, after all — which is a direct hit to your sense of self-worth.

As a result, it’s understandable that some guys would get anxious about differentiating between real and fake orgasms in order to make sure they haven’t been duped. In order to help calm your nerves, AskMen spoke to three sex experts about the signs of a real orgasm, why some people fake them, and how to respond if you’re worried that you’ve been misled. Here’s what they had to say:

What Are the Physical Signs of a Real Orgasm?

Most guys will be familiar with what their own orgasm feels like and looks like to some degree. But they might be more curious about what women’s orgasms are like since — unless you’re trans — you’ve never experienced what it’s like to have a vagina.

The short answer is that there aren’t a ton of great ways to tell at a glance if someone’s experiencing an orgasm.

“The experience and outward expression of orgasm varies from person to person and from experience to experience,” says Jess O’Reilly, sexologist & host of the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast. “There are no sure-fire signs. Some people make a lot of noise and some people stay silent. Some people will writhe around uncontrollably and others will stay perfectly still.”

“Some potential signs of orgasm are curled toes, heavy panting, contractions and/or muscle spasms, and swollen labia,” says O’Reilly.

She also mentions something called sex flush, which, depending on skin tone, may be visible or not as a slight reddening of the skin.

People going through orgasm experience “involuntary muscle contractions (vaginally/uterus and in the pelvic floor area),” says Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT, a relationship expert and psychotherapist. “Intake of oxygen becomes more rapid while the heart rate goes up, and the muscles in the feet spasm.”

Additionally, “There are many different types of orgasm,” notes Chelsie Reed, Ph.D., LPC, a mental health counselor and author of Sexpert: Desire, Passion, Sensations, Intimacy, and Orgasm to Indulge in Your Best Sex Life. “So there may be some physical reactions or not; it is not a given. The PC (pubococcygeal) muscles contracting, increased vaginal wetness, body muscle contraction, moaning — it is different for everyone.”

Why Do Women Sometimes Fake Orgasms?

While people of any gender can and do fake orasms, research suggests women are much more likely to claim that they’ve faked an orgasm than men are when it comes to penis-in-vagina sex.

“The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior found that 85 percent of men believed that their female partners had an orgasm during their last sex session,” O’Reilly says. “But only 64 percent of women reported the same.”

The implication being: 21%, or roughly one out of five cases were instances of a perceived orgasm that didn’t happen. Now some of those are likely situations where an orgasm wasn’t explicitly ‘faked’ but simply cases where the man made an assumption. However it does suggest that orgasm faking is far from a rare occurrence.

“Our reasons for faking it vary,” says O’Reilly. She notes they might include things like “well-intentioned ego-stroking, the desire to get it over with already, pressure to perform (from self, partner and/or social norms), and/or not knowing what a real orgasm feels like and feeling as though you need to emulate what you see in porn.”

Reed notes that the pressure to perform O’Reilly mentions can be quite intense and explicit in some cases for women.

“Because their partner is pushing them to have an orgasm and they either are not able, not going to with the stimulation, not in the mood, or simply don’t want to orgasm,” Reed explains. “Partners push and demand orgasms often — faking is a way out of being pressured and even yelled at because the other person’s feeling hurt and questioning the relationship.”

“Faking is an exercise in poor education,” O’Reilly says. “I say this without judgment. You don’t have to feel ashamed of faking, but you might want to consider whether you really want more of what they’re offering. If I make you spicy wings and you tell me they’re delicious even though they burned you on both ends, I’m more likely to make you more of those same spicy wings the next time around.”

Why Being an ‘Orgasm Detective’ Is a Bad Idea

At this point in the article, maybe you were hoping for a sure-fire way to figure out if someone faked an orgasm with you. A word of advice? Being an ‘orgasm detective’ is not the right approach.

“If you get hung up on whether or not your partner had an orgasm, it can reduce sex to that brief moment in time,” says O’Reilly. “It can also put undue pressure on them to perform.”

“Rather than hunting for a ‘real’ orgasm, focus on the experience of pleasure itself,” she suggests. “Find out what feels good for them — from the emotional to the physical. Talk about sex, pleasure and desires more generally rather than honing in on the experience of orgasm.”

Wright agrees. If you suspect your partner may have faked an orgasm, whether it was a one-off or possibly a regular occurrence, it’s worth talking about — but not in a confrontational way.

“What is a good idea is letting your partner know that you know some people fake orgasms and that you want them to tell you how to actually help you orgasm,” she says. “Let them know that you want the feedback and that you’re open and won’t be hurt. Often, folks are afraid to hurt someone’s feelings, so if they know that there is a space to provide feedback, it feels safer and easier to give it.”

Ultimately, Reed explains, “The orgasm of one person does not have anything to do with the quality of the relationship, the value of the person, the quality of sex, and most importantly — the partner of the one having or not having an orgasm,” says Reed. “It’s not about you! Orgasm is not the be all and end all.”

Rather than taking a suspicion that someone’s faked an orgasm as an insult or a challenge, instead take it as a starting point for a healthy discussion about what each of you is looking for in bed.

How to Make a Woman Orgasm
Signs She’s Faking Her Orgasms
The Female Orgasm Explained Through Science

Source: AskMen