Ejaculation Etiquette: Where to Cum and What to Do After
You Need to Know These Rules for Climaxing
You Need to Know These Rules for Climaxing
The act of ejaculating is more or less guaranteed to be a messy one. While ejaculating and reaching climax aren’t as perfectly linked as many people suppose — as in, it’s possible to do one without the other — it’s fair to say that for most guys, they match up. That means you have to deal with a literal semen explosion pretty much every time you orgasm.
Sure, that’s fine when you’re masturbating given that a) you’re probably alone, and b) you can clean it up using whatever method suits you, but when you’re having sex, it’s a bit of a different story.
If you’re using a condom, ideally, the ejaculate is going to stay inside it. However, if you aren’t, the ejaculate is probably going to, well, end up somewhere. Meaning, the question of ejaculation etiquette arises — where is it OK to ejaculate? How can you talk about this with your partner? And what should you do if things don’t go according to plan?
Those might seem like trivial questions when you’re feeling horny, but given the possibility that your semen could give someone an STI or get someone pregnant, they’re actually pretty important.
To make sure everyone’s happy, healthy, and not accidentally with child, here are four rules of thumb — or rules of cum, if you will — to abide by.
Don’t Ejaculate Inside Your Partner Without Warning
If your sexual partner has a uterus, you should absolutely, positively, under no circumstances ejaculate inside them during vaginal intercourse without their consent.
Unprotected penis-in-vagina sex is responsible for most pregnancies, and this might not surprise you, but given the life-altering nature of giving birth and raising a child, that’s not the kind of discussion you want to sort out in the heat of the moment.
“It may seem obvious to some, but never ever ejaculate inside your partner’s vagina without a condom without communicating this ahead of time!” says sex expert Kenneth Play. “Besides being pretty rude, it also ignores STI prevention, pregnancy prevention, and your partner’s consent — all immensely serious issues.”
Mackenzie Riel of TooTimid.com agrees, stating, “As with any other part of sex, both people should be on the same page about what is going on and what is going to happen with a sexual encounter. “Consent is imperative in order to continue with sex, no matter what.”
Even if your partner can’t get pregnant or is highly unlikely to — like, say, you’re having sex with a man, a trans woman, someone who’s undergone a hysterectomy, or a woman with an IUD or who’s taking hormonal birth control — that doesn’t give you permission to ejaculate inside them without warning.
As Play mentions, ejaculating in someone, whether vaginally, anally or orally, could increase their risk of contracting an STI — if you have one — and even if you don’t, puts them in a position where they could think they’ve potentially contracted something that doesn’t show symptoms immediately.
Letting your partner know in advance is a basic sign of respect and politeness, adds Riel. “If there’s a possibility that she’s not on birth control, or generally uncomfortable with having you finish in her, then it should not happen. When you’re just hooking up with people, it can be especially dangerous, considering the risk of pregnancy.”
Even if you don’t have any STIs and there’s no or a low risk of pregnancy, ejaculating without getting someone’s direct consent is a no-go.
“The important thing to remember is that any sexual act needs to come with consent,” says sexologist and author Michelle Hope. “Oftentimes people assume that if consent is given at the onset of sex, [then] anything goes.”
“However,” she notes, “those are ideas that can put people in danger of sexual misconduct. Consent must be fluid and ongoing throughout the process of intercourse. That is why it’s highly important to communicate with your partner prior to engaging in any sex act and throughout the duration of sexual contact.”
Talk About Ejaculation Preferences Before Sex
How do you avoid the nightmare scenario of accidentally getting your partner pregnant or violating their consent? Simple. You talk about it in advance. Meaning, not five seconds before you cum, but ideally before you even get naked. That’s the case regardless of whether it’s a one-time thing or a long-term partnership.
“Always communicate desires ahead of time as a default, because this shows that you care about your partner, their experiences, and their desires,” advises Play. “There are a lot of primal feelings around ejaculation and so being able to talk about these, your meanings and interpretations for different ejaculation habits, your individual desires, and any emotional reactions you may have, is both kind and important.”
Hope agrees that communication around ejaculation is vital.
“The best way to go about this conversation is openly and honestly,” she says. “Communicating about one’s desires prior to participating in any sexual activity setting boundaries and respecting those boundaries is important for a healthy and positive sexual experience.”
According to Play, your approach to having this conversation doesn’t need to be complicated. “The ejaculator and the person receiving the cum should each state their preferences and communicate,” he says. “If you are the receiver and you have a strong preference you should let your partner know. If you are the ejaculator, it’s just polite to check with your partner beforehand to see if they have any strong preferences, and to state your own.”
Need an example for context? Play suggests trying, “‘I think it would be really hot if I came on your tits. Would you like that or be interested in that?,’ and then really listen to and respect the answer. Politeness and etiquette is a good rule of thumb in general here.”
Hope suggests tying it back to something you’ve seen before and liked.
“If you are a little bit apprehensive of how to do that you [could use] pornography to test the waters,” she says. “By that I mean, perhaps you say to your partner, ‘Hey babe, I saw this really hot porn the other day where the man ejaculated on the breasts of the woman he was having sex with — would you be into that?’ Using porn to open up a conversation about partners preferences is a great way to ease perhaps some apprehension around what might be an uncomfortable conversation for some.”
Other ways to phrase it:
“I’ve been fantasizing about cumming on/in your [X] — does that turn you on at all?”
“Do you ever think about me cumming on/in your [X]? Would you like that?”
“Hey — it doesn’t need to be this time, but at some point, I’d really love to cum on/in your [X]”
“What’s the hottest place I could cum? I want to know where you want me to finish.”
Within the context of a conversation like that, ejaculating inside your partner — whether in their mouth, anus or vagina — is a potential option, so long as they’ve fully assessed the situation, and their feelings and desires without feeling pressured.
“If you’re interested in ejaculating inside your partner like this, communicate why you’d like to do this and also ask questions about birth control, STI status or comfort, and whether they’re interested,” says Play.
That way, it becomes something you’re engaging in together, rather than something you’re doing to your partner without warning.
Warn Your Partner Before You Ejaculate
Remember that thing about consent being fluid and ongoing throughout the process of having sex from rule No. 1? Well, that means while a conversation beforehand is important and necessary, it’s also not enough.
Fact is, your partner is still allowed to change their mind at the last minute. They can decide they want you to cum on their stomach instead of their face, or on their back instead of inside them. If they say “no” to you ejaculating somewhere, you have to respect that, or you’re violating their consent.
That’s one reason why announcing that you’re going to ejaculate when you can sense it coming is important, particularly with a brand new partner, someone you’ve only slept with a few times, or anyone who’s actually requested you to warn them beforehand. If they’re not yet sure what to expect with you, especially if you haven’t had a detailed conversation about ejaculating yet, they absolutely deserve some notice upon request.
“It’s good to check in about announcing ejaculation,” says Play. “Make sure to do it with enough time that you can hear your partner’s response and change your actions if necessary. For example, during oral sex, if you feel like you’re about to cum, state this with some headway, so that if your partner does not want you to cum in their mouth they can pull away and say so.”
That warning — and giving your partner enough time to tell you what they want — is an opportunity for them to consent to what’s happening, to alter the situation, or to communicate what they want.
“You’re getting the consent to continue the act you want to perform,” says Riel. “When you warn [your partner], they can better prepare themselves for where you’re going to ejaculate. Anywhere on the face is especially important, as you don’t want to blind them or get it up their nose. If you want to do so smoothly, you could always pull out and try to make them orgasm via sex toy or your fingers.”
Talk About It Afterward
Sometimes, despite your best efforts (or … because of a lack of said efforts), people end up in a situation where there’s been an unfortunate ejaculation scenario. Maybe one partner came in a place their partner wasn’t expecting, or without warning, or too soon. At that point, the mature thing to do is to discuss what just happened, says Play.
“If you do encounter an awkward situation of unwanted ejaculation, as the ejaculator, start by apologizing and then listening to the receiver’s feelings; as the receiver, speak up about your feelings and state what you didn’t like. If there’s no malicious intent, just express where you’re at and take responsibility where you can.”
That responsibility, say, if your partner is concerned about getting pregnant because of your ejaculation, could mean going out of your way to help get her a form of after-the-fact birth control like Plan B or “morning after” pill.
“If the [person] you’re having sex with is not an effective form of birth control, although it will set you back, offer to pay for a next day supplement like Plan B,” says Riel. “Although it may not solve the problem, it’s a necessary precaution to take for your next line of defense against pregnancy.”
And if you ejaculated before you wanted to? Well, the well-worn line, “I swear this never happens to me” probably won’t impress your partner very much. It’s worth noting that what’s actually disappointing isn’t necessarily the ejaculation so much as that it signifies the sex being over. If you’re worried about letting your partner down you could offer to keep things going by pleasuring them manually or orally.
“For individuals who struggle with premature ejaculation, it’s important to remember that foreplay is your friend,” says Hope. “Foreplay provides you with an opportunity to work your partner up to as close to climax as possible prior to penetration. This can allow for both parties to enjoy the sex.”
At the end of the day, while ejaculating can make a mess, talking about it with your partner — before, during, and after sex — can make for a much less messy situation.
The Importance of Ejaculation Etiquette in Post-Roe America
While ejaculation etiquette is always important, for American readers, it’s become much more so in the aftermath of the U.S. Supreme Court overturning Roe v. Wade on June 24, 2022 — particularly for those living in a state that has banned abortion since the ruling.
“At a time when Americans’ abortion rights are disappearing, controlling your ejaculation isn’t just a matter of preference; it’s also related to your partner’s safety,” says activist and sex educator Nora Langknecht, a former abortion doula and current marketing manager for sex toy brand FUN FACTORY.
That’s because pregnancy is a fraught process that can seriously risk a pregnant person’s life, as well as leading to myriad lasting health complications. Even if all goes well, it’s not something to enter into lightly, and definitely not something you want to happen by accident.
It’s not fun, but risking your partner’s health, creating a person you’re not ready to raise, or trying to find a way to get an illegal abortion are even less fun alternatives. Pulling out, using one or more birth control methods, or practicing non-penetrative sex are all the more important now.
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Source: AskMen
