Are You Sexually Compatible?
Are You Actually Sexually Compatible With Your Partner? Here’s How to Tell
Are You Actually Sexually Compatible With Your Partner? Here’s How to Tell
The early stages of a sexual relationship are undoubtedly exciting to navigate.
Some couples feel instantly on the same page in the bedroom. For others, there’s a bit of a learning curve. But there is a key difference between learning what your new partner likes and prefers in bed versus dealing with sexual incompatibility.
If you’re unsure which bucket your current relationship falls into, you’ve come to the right place. We’ve asked experts for their best advice on determining sexual compatibility with your partner. Here’s a look at what sexual compatibility is, how to tell if you’re sexually compatible, and what you can do if things aren’t lining up.
What Is Sexual Compatibility?
Romantic compatibility may be fairly well understood — it’s when two people, in addition to loving each other, also have underlying commonalities or complimentary aspects to their personalities that allow them to be together harmoniously.
Viewed through the lens of sex, sexual compatibility essentially measures how your sexual preferences align or differ with your partner’s. Do you like the same things, do you want the same type or amount of sex, do you each feel desired and pleased by your partner?
To determine sexual compatibility, Zachary Zane, sex and relationship expert for #LubeLife, suggests visualizing each of your sexual preferences as a Venn diagram.
“Do you share similar sexual desires, kinks, fantasies, and frequency of sex? Where you overlap is your sexual compatibility,” he explains.
Is Sexual Compatibility Important?
Generally speaking, sexual compatibility is an important component of a successful relationship.
“Sex is an expression of love and a way to connect with your partner, and a source of pleasure, stress relief, and so much more,” says Zane. “When people aren’t sexually satisfied in the bedroom, that often creates other problems in the relationship outside of the bedroom and can negatively affect your mental health.”
That said, there are scenarios where sexual compatibility may be less important for certain couples.
“If both of you can sort of ‘take it or leave it’ [when it comes to sexual fulfillment], not being sexually compatible isn’t that huge of a deal,” says Zane. “But then again, that, in itself, is a form of sexual compatibility.”
If sex is more important to one partner than the other, or if a couple doesn’t share the same interests in certain kinks, says Jenni Skyler, PhD, LMFT, C-PST, resident therapist for AdamEve.com, there are still ways to make a sexually incompatible relationship work.
“If both agree to non-exclusivity, then staying in the primary relationship is easier when the sex can be outsourced,” she explains. “If the couple is monogamous, it’s still possible but requires two essential things: acceptance and creativity.”
How to Tell If You’re Sexually Compatible
If you clicked on this article, chances are you might be feeling like something’s off with the sex you and your partner have been having.
If you’re sexually compatible, things like passion, yearning, accessible arousal, and feeling turned on by the other person are some clear signs you’re both on the same page, according to Skyler.
If you find yourself dreading sex with your partner, doing it out of obligation, feeling bored or apathetic during sex (or even regretting it afterward), these are some strong signs you and your partner may not be sexually compatible.
The only real way to know, of course, is to have an honest conversation with your partner.
“Share your desires, kinks, and fantasies — and ask them to share theirs,” Zane recommends. “I know it can be an awkward conversation to have, but really, that’s the only way to know where you two have overlapping sexual desires.”
What to Do If You Aren’t Sexually Compatible
If you and your partner aren’t sexually compatible but want to try and make it work, Zane recommends the GGG approach coined by sex columnist Dan Savage — being Good, Giving and Game.
The first two Gs mean good at performing certain acts from a technical perspective (aka sexual skill), and giving with your time and attention during sex, rather than being a selfish lover.
The third G, being game, Zane says, “means you should be open-minded, nonjudgmental, and down to try something new that brings your partner sexual joy.”
To be clear, this doesn’t mean compromising your boundaries or allowing your partner to pressure you into something you do not feel comfortable with (or vice versa).
“It’s more about having an open attitude to the sexual kinks that don’t really turn you on but aren’t huge turn-offs, either,” says Zane.
Finding some middle ground where your sexual preferences differ can go a long way to help improve and maintain a relationship.
“Creativity and communication come into play for those opting to work on it,” says Skyler.
She recommends talking with your partner in a neutral setting (i.e., not in bed right after you’ve just done the deed) about how each of you can meet the other’s sexual needs.
“Highlight that your partner is important to you even if sexual compatibility is low or missing, then offer some creative options,” she suggests.
Like the GGG example, this could mean agreeing to try something your partner is into that you feel comfortable doing but may not be your cup of tea once or twice each month, then trading for whatever the other partner prefers.
“This might also mean having an agreement to the frequency — one that allows for both the lower desire partner and higher desire partner to ensure they get their needs met and neither is walking on eggshells around sex,” Skyler explains.
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Source: AskMen