Never Have I Ever: Gone to Sex Therapy

Here’s What It’s Really Like to Do (Solo) Sex Therapy to Address a Bedroom Issue

Here’s What It’s Really Like to Do (Solo) Sex Therapy to Address a Bedroom Issue

When you lose part of your sexual identity, you lose part of yourself.

That’s what happened to Anthony, a gay man in his mid-thirties living in New York City. Anthony (not his real name) is a bottom, meaning the receptive partner in anal sex.

However, recent surgery left him unable to enjoy penetrative sex. While there were physical setbacks that had to be addressed, the surgery also left him feeling utterly disheartened. Especially as he entered a new relationship with a sexy top.

We spoke to Anthony about his recent experience with sex therapy, what came up that he didn’t expect, and why he compares it to dating.

AskMen: What led you to seek out sex therapy?

Anthony: About two years ago, I ended up having essentially anal surgery to have HPV warts removed. Afterwards, the surgery really affected my ability to bottom. For about a year I really thought that I wasn’t going to bottom again. I sought out a therapist and started talking through that struggle.

You probably thought your sex life was over! That’s so hard.

Yeah, for sure. After some time I met someone and we started dating and he happened to be a top and I ended up in a position where, OK, I have to bottom. It was quite a struggle to get there, to be intimate again.

From a therapy perspective, what helped was really getting to rebuild that confidence in the bedroom and learning how to be intimate again with someone and fully enjoy the experience again.

So was the issue psychological? Rather than physical?

Both. After healing from surgery, it was both physically and mentally challenging. From a physical perspective, I needed to dilate to stretch out all of that scar tissue, which was very tedious and painful. I ended up getting HoleTox (anal Botox, a treatment that can prevent fissures), which was a huge game-changer for me.

Mentally, it was very disheartening and stressful with the slow progress and constant setbacks.

How did you find your therapist?

I used Alma, a website where you can find different therapists. I’d used it before to find my regular talk therapist. I used it to check out a couple of different people and just saw some people who specialize in sex therapy.

Are you still currently in sex therapy? Has it helped?

Yeah, I still do therapy. It was an interesting experience to talk through my challenges, and fears about reengaging, because it was really a learning process.

Was sex therapy what you expected? What kind of preconceived notions about sex therapy did you have and how did it either match or reject what you expected?

I wasn’t sure exactly what to expect. I think talking to the therapist about sex itself is a little uncomfortable at first, but I imagined from having regular therapy, talk therapy, that it would be non-judgmental and a safe place to discuss what it was I was looking for out of sex, how to fully communicate to my partner what it was that I needed and expected.

Did you talk to your partners about doing therapy, or did you kind of do therapy first and then just implement what you learned from that?

I decided to do it on my own before bringing the conversation up to my partner. Having a partner who was understanding and appreciative of the work that I was doing on myself was definitely helpful. 

I’ve been in previous relationships where people weren’t as open to the idea of therapy. It’s been a huge game-changer for me to do therapy and really work on myself and work on what I’m comfortable with in the bedroom.

Did anything come up in therapy that you weren’t expecting? I know you went because of the bottom issue, but did anything come up that you didn’t even think to go for?

One of the things that came up was some trauma that happened to me when I was younger that I wasn’t expecting to really dig into. It wasn’t anything too drastic or traumatic per se, but it definitely affected my level of comfort and willingness to give up control in the bedroom.

Being a bottom, a lot of it is kind of being submissive and letting go of control sometimes. And there was some trauma there I had to work through and overcome to be a better bottom.

Are you still doing both HoleTox and sex therapy? Are they now part of your ongoing wellness, would you say?

My sex therapy has changed to be a little bit more of managing expectations of different sexual desires and different interactions. It’s not so much building towards a place where I’m more confident, but going beyond that.

In terms of HoleTox, I get it done every three months. I don’t know where I would be without it. Even now that I could probably bottom more confidently without it, it just makes the entire experience so much more enjoyable and easier. Having sex and you don’t have to be worried about, ‘Oh, am I going to get a fissure? Is it going to cause me to have a hemorrhoid?’

What advice would you give to someone who is thinking about doing sex therapy but is really nervous about it?

I would just say to go for it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. 

The difficult part about finding a good therapist is it’s kind of like dating. You have to find that good match. I did a couple of consultations first before deciding to go with one specific therapist. 

I would just say do the consultation, feel it out and give it a try. It doesn’t have to be forever, but even if you just do a couple of sessions, it could really help you out.

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Source: AskMen