Porn Sex vs. Real Sex — Porn Stars Reveal the Differences
Why Having Sex as Your Job Isn’t the Same as Real-Life Sex
Why Having Sex as Your Job Isn’t the Same as Real-Life Sex
Thanks to all the pornography you can stream for free on the internet, it’s easy to see hundreds of hours of sex online before ever actually having sex with another person in real life.
That might read like a condemnation of porn, or a desire to return to the “good old days” when porn took the form of videotapes or magazines, but it’s neither — it’s simply a statement of fact.
The impact of that truth, however, is worth considering. What does it mean that young people, regardless of gender, are likely to get a serious chunk of their sex education from online porn? Is it better than no sex ed at all? Is it worse? It is just different?
At its core, porn is very different from sex. Sure, it might depict sex, but it depicts sex in a way that’s made to sell, not as sex really is. And in watching a lot of porn, it’s possible to develop mistaken understandings not just of what sex is but of what sex isn’t — of what good sex is, of what people like and want, and so forth.
To get to the bottom of how different porn is from sex, we spoke to seven different porn industry insiders, including actors, writers, producers and directors. Together, they paint a picture of what porn and sex are and aren’t — the ways in which they’re very similar and the ways in which they’re very different — and perhaps, what each could learn from the other.
Penetration
For many guys, sex is just penetration. That not only leaves out all the pleasure possibilities that come from other forms of sex, it also means their female partners are unlikely to actually experience much pleasure. Part of the reason for that focus on penis-in-vagina penetration might be how it’s often the primary focus in porn.
“The most unrealistic thing I see in a lot of mainstream porn is that female pleasure comes from penetrative sex alone,” says porn director, screenwriter and producer Erika Lust. “It’s very rare to see foreplay, cunnilingus or clitoral stimulation in these films.”
Studies have shown that women are much more likely to climax with clitoral stimulation than they are with just penetration, and yet mainstream porn movies are often guilty of depicting penetration-only female climaxes that require little to no foreplay.
“There is usually hardly any build-up, it’s just straight into genitals bashing against each other until the male ‘money shot,’” says Lust. “This is outrageously unrealistic to me, because I know that this is not how most women experience pleasure.”
Lubrication
Without a proper amount of lubrication, said penetration can cause lesions in the vagina and anus. As you can imagine how painful that is for the person being penetrated, it’s not a ton of fun for the other person either.
That’s why it’s a smart sex practice to have some lube nearby, particularly for anal sex or if your partner doesn’t tend to produce a lot of vaginal lubrication (which can happen to some people even if they’re highly aroused). In porn, you rarely see the bottle of lube on the nightstand, let alone taking a moment to make use of it.
“Porn is fantasy, and the viewer wants to believe that performers are naturally turned on and ‘wet’ during the scene, and often seeing the application of lube is an ‘interruption’ of the sense of urgency between the two performers,” says Angie Rowntree, founder and director of Sssh.com, though she notes that some producers do show it being used.
“Some see introducing a bottle of lube as breaking the fourth wall; others view it as important to show, for realism and for political reasons, to remind viewers that it’s important to make sure your partner is well lubricated before penetration,” she adds.
Body Types
One aspect where porn can give people a poor idea of what real sex is like is in the bodies that we see on screen.
“Not everyone is attracted to the same physical qualities or enjoys the same things in bed, and everyone’s got a number of different fantasies — it’s only human!” says Sarah Valmont, the head copywriter for Porn Discounts, and adult script and erotica writer-at-large for Sssh.com and Penthouse.
“Hence in the wider world of adult entertainment, there’s a niche for just about everything and anything physical,” she says, “whether you’re enjoying straight, gay, lesbian or trans content.”
Still, mainstream actors often don’t reflect the variety of humanity as well as we might hope. That makes sense — regardless of what they look like when they wake up, porn features people made up and groomed to look their best, and more conventionally attractive performers will have more mainstream success than others.
But all that sameness — young, skinny, tanned, and hairless bodies — can start to affect what people think is attractive, and it can be stressful for those whose looks (or self-perceptions) don’t match up.
Consider penis size, for instance — studies show most women don’t care about it, but men seem to be obsessed. Is part of the reason for that that they don’t see enough smaller penises in porn?
And yet, if porn featuring well-hung guys is more popular, it makes sense for the industry to seek those performers out even if they’re in the minority.
Awkwardness
When was the last time you saw a mistake happen in porn?
While porn sex is meticulously planned and edited to make sure the final product is full of smooth transitions and ends the right way, real sex just isn’t like that.
“I shoot for one whole day of at least 12 hours in order to make one short film of 15 to 25 minutes,” says Lust of her work for XConfessions.com. “There is a lot that will be edited out, especially the pre-sex discussion about boundaries, or the preparations for sex toys and lube being used. Compared to real life sex, the foreplay might not last as long as it should, things might seem to move more quickly, and penetrative is sex is ‘the sex.’ Plus, positions are staged for the camera, and awkward fumbles might be edited out.”
Alice Vaughn, co-host of the “Two Girls One Mic: The Porncast” podcast, notes in real-life sex, it’s key to call out that “mistakes happen, things get messy, holes are missed, there might be chafing, laughter from bumping your heads, queefing, asking what position to switch to next, etc.”
As well, the fact that it’s going on the record can mean what’s happening will always feature the actors giving it their best shots, something that’s not realistic when it’s not being filmed for money.
“The camera can make you a better lover, as it compels you to put in your best effort with heightened professional standards, a permanent record of the moment, potentially a global audience,” says Ben Lawson, founder of Tantra Punk. “It’s counter-intuitive because you’d think you’d be acting out and faking it for the camera, but in reality the added excitement of the production experience can make men harder, women wetter, and orgasms more loud and powerful.”
Without an understanding that sex can involve screw-ups, it can be easy to compare your performance to the perfectly synchronized porn actors’ movements, and feel distinctly lacking by comparison.
Preparation
The lack of awkwardness also translates to very straightforward sex that occurs without pauses for any type of discussion.
While it might be arousing for some to see one actor dominate another without asking for permission, in real life, that kind of dynamic is more likely to lead to consent violations than hot sex.
In porn, the types of “discussions of consent and what position you’re switching into next never happen,” says Vaughn. “Somehow, the actors both telepathically know what the other wants, and how to please their partner.”
Vaughn notes that at the root of that apparent telepathy is instances of the director’s requests being edited out, along with meticulous pre-shoot planning.
“There are specific key shots required, so the positions of the scenes are laid out and there’s a bit of rehearsal,” says porn actor Avery Black. “The director says what positions need to be shot, and I’ll stretch my limbs and contort my body to see if I can hold or switch between the required positions.”
Positions
As for the positions themselves? Well, bad news — porn positions prioritize visual appeal over sexual pleasure. If you’re taking sex position cues from the porn you’re watching, you’re probably leaving the best options out.
“In real life we don’t open up for the camera,” notes Rowntree. “In porn, though, we angle our bodies toward the camera so that it can capture the ‘action.’ This is why in porn you don’t see super intimate body language and the two people enveloping each other in an embrace during intercourse — it would obscure ‘the hardcore shot.’”
How does that play out? In various different ways, according to Rowntree. Apart from the common practice of actors putting their hands behind their backs, there’s the reverse cowgirl position, for instance:
“You see a lot of reverse cowgirl in porn scenes because it’s such a great shot for the cameraperson, in the sense that you can see the girl’s nude body and the ‘hardcore shot,’” she says. In real life, however, it’s a position with little intimacy that’s quite difficult for the person being penetrated to maintain for long periods of time.
Cunnilingus
That same positioning dynamic affects oral sex, too. While fellatio is fairly easy to capture as is, realistic cunnilingus is a little bit harder, and it’s given rise to something known as “pornalingus.”
Depending on the angle of the shot, the director might get the actor to be positioned in a certain unrealistic way so the viewer can see what’s going on better, making for a much less pleasurable experience. As Vaughn notes, it’s “done for full view of the camera, and not for the pleasure of the actress.”
In real life, good cunnilingus is all about passion and intensity, and that means as little distance as possible.
“Oral sex on a woman shouldn’t involve keeping your mouth removed from the vagina by a few inches while your tongue barely touches the surface of her clitoris,” says Yvette d’Entremont, a scientist, writer and “Two Girls, One Mic” co-host. “Get your face right the f*ck on in there.”
Lighting
Real-life sex can be amped up by the visual aspect — consider how hot it can be to watch yourself in the mirror while you’re getting it on — but it’s rarely the primary focus.
To that end, having sex in the dark (or in a dimly lit room) can also be super hot, but unfortunately, that’s rarely how mainstream porn looks.
“Lighting is often stark in porn scenes,” says Rowntree. “There’s very little ‘mood lighting’ during sex scenes. This is because porn producers want the viewer to be able to see all the action and not have anything obscured by shadows or low lighting.”
Vaughn suggests that some porn shoots might even take the well-lit aspect a step further. “There’s even extra light on the genitals when there should be a shadow … it’s almost as if there’s someone shining a flashlight on their junk,” he says.
Duration
Regardless of how long you want sex to last, the truth is that it’s often over quite quickly, particularly if you’re in a rush to get to penetration.
Whether it’s due to quick orgasm, specific time constraints or the sex being interrupted, sex that lasts as long as it does in a typical feature porn is far from the norm. In truth, porn sex is actually a lot of short spurts edited into one seamless session.
“There’s a lot of stopping and going throughout scenes, especially to adjust lighting with every angle,” says Black, “which means as a female performer I require a lot of lube, and the male talent is in charge of keeping the same boner for hours without stimulation.”
As well, longer movies give the viewer more bang for their buck, and Rowntree notes that it also means an opportunity to please people who are into different positions more than others.
“Often the couple just seem to be going down a checklist of positions,” says Rowntree. “The directors are trying to get a certain number of minutes per position, because they want to cover all the bases for the viewer. In real life, we tend to stay in the positions we enjoy longer, sometimes for the entire sexual encounter.”
That could be 30 seconds or 30 minutes.
Seduction
Regardless of the exact storyline, many stereotypical porn plots feature two or more people going from complete strangers to having sex in a matter of minutes.
And while it’s true that it is possible to hook up with someone you’ve only just met, it usually takes a few minutes before your clothes seem to fall off your bodies.
“The biggest difference between a lot of porn sex and real-life sex is that so much ‘porn sex’ lacks any indication of true intimacy,” says Rowntree. “There’s not much laughter, or meaningful eye contact, seduction or foreplay.”
d’Entremont, however, notes that some porn does feature more realistic amounts of romance.
“Is the style of seduction [in porn] that different from real life?” she wonders. “That’s hard to say, because there are so many different styles of porn, and they range from highly romantic to being roto-rooted by the plumber.”
In particular, independent porn made by real-life couples might give the viewer a better shot at seeing what it looks like when two people aren’t strangers (or pretending to be strangers), but know each other’s bodies and desires intimately.
“My favorite thing is to shoot with my partner — it isn’t too far off from our regular sex life,” says Black. “[It’s] far more intimate, and I’m able to have genuine orgasms when we shoot our content together.”
Orgasms
Speaking of orgasms, yes, those are pretty different in porn and sex. In porn, orgasms are typically used as narrative elements — they’re a necessity for the story you’re watching to have a shape.
That means, according to Valmont, that “some porn is more orgasm-focused; some is clearly a rush to the fake cum shot.”
While it’s certainly possible for a female porn performer to orgasm on-set from sex, the conditions for it aren’t optimal.
“The orgasm scene you’ve heard your favorite actress doing was either faked, or her screaming from a leg cramp she’s gotten from holding reverse Cowgirl for 20 minutes,” jokes Vaughn. “The ‘pop shots’ (where males ejaculate and you can see it on camera) are real,” she adds, but notes that “there are times where a little extra prop help is needed,” noting that cheap moisturizer is sometimes used to replicate semen in ‘creampie’ scenes.
As well, what happens with the orgasm is also often unrealistic. In real life, ejaculate often ends up in condoms, or on a stomach or back if the penetrating partner pulls out, but those outcomes are rarely shown in porn. Instead, the cum is often delivered on the other actor’s face, which is known as a facial.
“The industry standard obsession with the ‘on-the-face’ money shot seems to perpetuate a ‘college frat house kegger’ mentality towards male sexual dominance and conquest,” says Lawson. “I’m not saying there aren’t women who naturally beg for the experience, it’s just quite distorted and over-represented in status quo porn, and is laughable at its best, and abusive at its worst.”
“In real life, you might cum buckets, or you might love being with your partner and not orgasm easily, and that’s OK!” adds Valmont. “Nothing about a fictional sex performance invalidates your real-life experiences, or your needs.”
Abilities
As with action movies, porn is entertainment — a visual product made to excite you. And also like action movies, porn is very much don’t-try-this-at-home material. A big part of that is due to porn actors being capable of doing things between the sheets most people just aren’t.
“These people are professionals,” says d’Entremont. “The men can generally control when they orgasm. A higher percentage of the women have practiced the art of deepthroating than you’ll meet on Tinder. Some of these things can be done by the average f*cker, but they’ll take practice. Some of them — orgasming on command after an hour — are just not possible for everyone.”
Rowntree agrees, calling those in porn a type of “sexual athlete.”
“They have experience and skill with certain types of sex acts that most people out there have never tried, and shouldn’t try unless they’ve been taught by a skilled professional,” she says, including flexible positions, and rougher BDSM moves like choking, which could lead to injury or even death if done improperly.
Roughness
Speaking of rougher moves, a lot of mainstream porn features rougher action than you’re likely to experience, whether you’re having sex with your spouse for the 1,000th time or a random hookup for the first.
“There tends to be more ‘violence’ or rough scenes in porn than there are in real-life sexual encounters,” says Rowntree. “In cases of ethical studios, sex performers are professionals who have consented to such scenes and enjoy doing them, and they are able to perform such scenes safely.”
That being said, she notes that “rough scenes are often depicted for the same reason you see a lot of violence in movies: viewers like to see something intense, rough, raw and outside of their everyday experience. Also, roughness can be a substitute for passion, which is actually much more difficult to capture on a porn set!”
Seeing all that rough sex depicted in porn can give some viewers the idea that blowjobs are, for instance, necessarily going to involve deep-throating and face-f*cking, neither of which are remotely necessary for a good oral experience, and which shouldn’t be pushed on an unwilling or unsuspecting partner.
Consent
Sexual consent, without which sex acts are more accurately classified as assault or rape, is another important area where porn and sex diverge. As with many of the aforementioned facets, however, that’s not because it’s absent from porn, but rather because it’s absent from the final cut.
The process of consent in porn is actually typically very rigorously discussed beforehand; performers discuss what will and won’t happen and what they are and aren’t comfortable with in clear terms.
“The reputable, ethical porn directors/producers who follow the law and a) negotiate everything with talent before a scene, b) openly communicate with their talent throughout the scene, and c) always respect their talent’s limits,” says Valmont, “are probably more engaged in the dialogue about consent than most ‘civilians’ are.”
Those in-depth discussions are edited out, meaning consent in the porn you watch, as with the positions, seems almost telepathic. That can give some porn viewers the impression that you don’t need to ask for consent during sex when the opposite is true. Checking in with your partner regularly is not only important, it can also easily be done in a sexy way if you’re afraid of ruining the mood.
“No always means no, and consent can be revoked at any time, whether you happen to be on a porn set or hooking up in ‘real life,’” notes Valmont.
Sexually Transmitted Infections
Another area where porn actors’ unfilmed practices could stand to be adopted by the average person? STIs.
While modern mainstream porn typically features no condoms or protection of any kind, that’s only possible via a rigorous testing practice that means the actors and their scene partners are 100 percent clear on their STI status at all times.
“It’s truly unfortunate that most civilians will not openly and honestly discuss risks like STIs and testing with their partner(s),” says Valmont. “This is standard practice in the porn industry, but I can say as a single woman that the amount of men out there these days who refuse to wear a condom is crazy. Some guys even balk at discussing when they were last tested, but have no qualms hopping from hookup to hookup.”
That might be a case of them wanting to emulate the guys they see having sex on screen, and not being able to separate the performance from the reality. Otherwise, they’d be much more comfortable getting tested and talking about STI transmission.
“If you think you want to ‘f*ck like a porn star,’ then realize that everyone in the scene you’re watching has been tested, and will be tested again for their next shoot,” states Valmont. “If you can’t or won’t do that, or you won’t be monogamous, wear a condom. And keep it on until the performance is over.”
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Source: AskMen
