Great sex is all about attitude, but a bad attitude is not welcome!
By Pleasure Mechanics — Updated on Mar 15, 2023
Photo: Daniel Hoz / Shutterstock
As sex educators, we believe that anyone can have an amazing sex life. We dedicate our work to sharing the techniques and strategies that allow you to create a pleasurable, fulfilling sex life with the person you love.
So, of course, we believe in negotiation, communication and compromise, in and out of the bedroom. But we also know that certain behaviors are definitely deal breakers.
If any of these bedroom behaviors seem all too familiar, it’s time to seek out sexual nirvana with a more willing, creative, communicative and caring partner. Here are five bedroom deal breakers. You’ll notice none of them relate to technique or confidence (which any ambitious lover can learn).
Here are five unsexy behaviors that are sexual deal breakers:
1. Lack of communication.
Sure, with practice we can master sexual techniques. But truly happy couples all have one important thing in common: a willingness to communicate, learn and grow together. If your partner is unwilling to talk about sex, your sex life will never be truly happy and satisfying in the long term.
Yes, talking about sex feels awkward at first, but if you can’t get over that initial hump (pun intended) and honestly communicate about your needs, likes, desires and about what can be improved, then you’ll never grow together as an erotic partnership.
That’s why unwillingness to communicate is the ultimate deal breaker in the bedroom.
2. Lack of curiosity.
Sexuality is one of the most creative arenas of life. A great sexual relationship thrives on novelty, adventure and a willingness to explore and try new things. This doesn’t mean you have to swing from the chandelier, but it does mean having a spirit of curiosity about sex.
If your lover is only willing to have one kind of sex over and over again, you can count the days until your sex life perishes from boredom. We often hear from couples who love listening to our podcast together in order to prompt conversation and exploration together.
If your lover isn’t willing to explore the wondrous world of sexuality with you, you may find that (in time) that reluctance becomes a definite deal breaker.
3. Selfish sex.
Great sex is all about sharing: sharing touch, sharing pleasure and sharing intimacy. Like giving gifts, there is pleasure in both giving and receiving in bed. Sometimes it is great to relax and receive touch, and other times it’s a joy to lavish your lover in sensation. You don’t need a scoreboard above your bed, but reciprocity is key to a happy relationship and fulfilling sex life.
You deserve better than a selfish lover. If your lover is only in it for their own pleasure, get out of that relationship quickly.
4. Shaming your partner.
Shame is one of the most toxic emotions that prevent us from fully enjoying sex. If your partner makes you feel ashamed or guilty, seek higher ground immediately. Being shamed from within your own relationship is one of the fastest ways to kill your libido and create resentment.
Shame comes in many flavors, from body shaming to desire shaming. If your lover makes you feel bad about who you are, what you look like or what you find desirable, ask them to be more supportive. If they can’t or won’t change, you need to leave.
5. Overstepping or ignoring boundaries.
You are in charge of your own body and what happens in bed. Not in the mood for oral and say so? Then he shouldn’t pressure you to perform. Love dirty talk but hate certain words? Your lover must respect that. If they willingly overstep clearly set boundaries, you’ll never feel totally safe.
Boundaries are important in and out of the bedroom. A great partner will respect your boundaries (and understand that they will change over time), making ongoing communication essential in any relationship.
Great sex starts with trust and an open mind.
If your lover is stubborn, disrespectful or makes you feel like anything less than royalty, you might want to move on.
Only you know what your own deal breakers are. Figure them out, communicate them clearly, and then respect yourself enough to know you deserve a willing, loving and respectful partner.
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The Pleasure Mechanics is a team of sex educators and touch experts dedicated to providing people around the world with the tools and strategies they need to experience maximum sexual pleasure.