15 Things You Thought Were True About Sex When You Were A Teen

Belief: That porn sex is how sex is done. Reality: OMG, LOL. You have joints and a gag reflex.

1. Belief: That losing your virginity would be the most painful thing on earth, worse than giving birth to a 200-pound alien from your butthole.

1. Belief: That losing your virginity would be the most painful thing on earth, worse than giving birth to a 200-pound alien from your butthole.
Reality: It’s different for everyone but no, it doesn’t hurt worse than birthing an obese alien baby from your behind.

2. Belief: That you would bleed forever the first time because your hymen would be broken.
Reality: Lots of women bust that hymen before they have sex the first time, and even when it happens, it isn’t a Carrie situation. Or maybe it is for some, but it’s not the MOST TRAUMATIC THING EVER.

3. Belief: That your first time would be with your boyfriend (who’s also your best friend! Duh!) and the heavens would open up so a chorus of angels could serenade you and you’d finally Be a Woman.
Reality: If you’re most people: that didn’t happen! Maybe it was awkward and fast and kinda gross and with some dude you didn’t know super well and probably in the backseat of a car or his grandpa’s pickup truck (not personal experience). And in the end, that was OK too.

4. Belief: That sex in a hot tub is the best, most sexy sex.
Reality: Bubbling dirt water and orifices do not mix. Just no.

4a. Belief: That having sex on the beach is the only thing better than hot tub sex.
Reality: It is the only thing worse than hot tub sex.

5. Belief: That porn sex is how sex is done.
Reality: OMG, LOL. You have joints and a gag reflex.

6. Belief: That only sluts do it on the first date.
Reality: Every type of person ever has sex on the first date. And every type of person ever doesn’t have sex on the first date. Really, it’s the circumstances that make the horny couple hopping into bed together after meeting at da club. This could be a Doctor Seuss book for middle-schoolers: One Date, Two Dates, Hot Date, Bad Date. Oh, the schlongs you will see!

7. Belief: That being a slut is a shitty thing to be.
Reality: It can actually be quite fun and awesome to own your sexuality and do what you want with it. That might mean boning every bro in town or it might mean waiting for The One. Whatever you decide, you do it for you, and not because of some antiquated idea of what it means to be a capital “L” Lady.

8. Belief: That having a STD meant your life was over.
Reality: Millions of people live with STDs every day and have awesome sex lives and everything is all right. You just have to be open and honest about it and use protection.

9. Belief: That breasts feel like bags of sand.
Reality: OK, maybe it’s just one dude who thought that, but I suspect there are more of his kind out there.

10. Belief: That dudes are always horny.
Reality: Like ladies, all dudes are different and degree of horniness vary wildly from person to person, and sometimes guys just want to binge on an XXXXXL pizza while cuddling and watching Gilmore Girls. And life is good.

11. Belief: That pubic hair magically gets rid of itself.
Reality: Again: I blame porn! Also, you can get rid of it if you want or you can rock a full bush or you can do anything in-between. And guess what? Dudes (and many ladies) want to bone all of that.

12. Belief: That you would have a screaming orgasm every time you have sex.
Reality: LOL. Next. (*Shakes fist at porn.*)

13. Belief: That you could maybe get pregnant from a blow job.
Reality: Unless that blow job is happening in your vagina, then no. But you can get an STD, so there’s that.

14. Belief: Hand jobs would be a normal part of your sexual repertoire.
Reality: You have never given a single hand job. Nobody likes hand jobs.

15. Belief: Buying condoms would be the most mortifying thing ever and you’d have to stick them in between a gallon of milk and a bag of chips and then run out of the store in total embarrassment.
Reality: Yesterday, you bought condoms in front of a nun.