Understanding the Clitoris & How to Stimulate It
Your 101 Guide to Passing This Crucial Aspect of Female Anatomy With Flying Colors
Your 101 Guide to Passing This Crucial Aspect of Female Anatomy With Flying Colors
The AskMen editorial team thoroughly researches & reviews the best gear, services and staples for life. AskMen may get paid if you click a link in this article and buy a product or service.
Want the facts? The clitoris isn’t as mysterious as some people would have you believe.
Though much has been made about guys who can’t find the clit or don’t know what to do with it, the truth is that it’s pretty easy to locate and not too complicated to stimulate — if you know what you’re doing.
The main barrier? Lots of guys don’t seem to care enough to learn the basics when it comes to female anatomy, and the clitoris in particular. But that’s not you, right? Whatever your level of sexual experience thus far, if you’re reading about the clit, you probably care about pleasing your sexual partner(s).
And for our money, the best thing a guy can do when it comes to pleasuring cis women in bed is to learn how to stimulate the clitoris.
Of course, the brain is the bigger sex organ, so knowing what turns her on is also a big part of things. But on a purely physical level, clitoral pleasure is No. 1 for the vast majority of women, so if you want to be an incredible lover, it’s hard to do so without learning about the clit and what makes it tick.
If you’ve failed at figuring it out in the past, don’t worry. Luckily for you, we’ve talked to sexual experts who have researched the clitoris extensively and can instruct you — in critical detail — on how to become a master of it.
Contents
Clitoris Facts & Myths
How to Stimulate the Clit With Your Mouth
How to Stimulate the Clit With Your Hands
How to Stimulate the Clit With Sex Toys
How to Stimulate the Clit With Lubricants
How to Stimulate the Clit With Your Penis
Advanced Clitoris Techniques
1. Clitoris Facts & Myths
Carlee Ranger
Fact: The Clit Is a Complex Part of the Body
So why is this seemingly small and insignificant part of a cis woman’s body so important to her pleasure during intercourse, oral sex or anything sexual?
In pure definitions, the clit is an erectile tissue that swells larger when aroused and its blood supply enables it to engorge continuously, allowing anyone with one to experience multiple orgasms, according to Cliteracy.com. (Another fun fact? It’s the only organ in the human body that exists exclusively for pleasure!)
As Antonia Hall, M.A., psychologist, relationship expert and author of The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life, notes, the “external parts are only the tip of the clitoris, as there are clitoral bulbs that branch out internally down along the vaginal opening and crura that form a V shape and attach to the pelvic arch.”
Myth: The Clitoris Is Hard to Find
Before you can determine how to make her reach climax via the clitoris, you’ll first need to know where it’s located.
The clitoris is always in the same place — at the top of the vulva, above the vaginal opening.
Like an uncircumcised penis, the tip of the clitoris is protected by a fold of skin, also known as the clitoral hood or prepuce. Similar to a foreskin, you can pull the clitoral hood back to get a clearer look at the clit itself; it might remind you of a smaller nipple that’s pressed between the folds of skin.
Coleen Singer, sexpert at Sssh.com, advises you to use your fingers to really locate the exact location of your partner’s clitoris.
Why? While it’s generally in the same spot, bodies are different, and understanding the exact location for your partner will help you remember each and every time you go to stimulate it.
Just like when you study for a test or practice at a sport, building muscle memory is a key component of becoming a high-performing expert in your field.
Fact: You Can Give Your Girlfriend a ‘Boner’
Believe it or not, clitoral erections are a real thing. That’s in no small part because the clit is essentially similar to a penis — they’re created from the same set of cells that goes on to create the penis in individuals with XY chromosomes.
“The clitoris is made of erectile tissue, like the penis,” Hall explains. When aroused, the tissue swells with blood and becomes erect, which is far less noticeable than its male counterpart.”
“This external part of the clitoris has approximately 8,000 nerve endings, which is about half as many as the penis,” she notes. “The clitoris is the only organ in the body designed solely for the purpose of pleasure.”
Myth: Most Women Orgasm Without Clitoral Stimulation
While it may receive less attention than the vagina, the clitoris is basically responsible for a woman’s ability to reach climax when she’s having sex with you.
And while porn or some immature societal conceptions of sex might see a man’s penis size or ability to engage in hours of penetration as the be-all and end-all of being a great lover, you’re seriously missing out on the truth — clitoral stimulation is genuinely at the root of the vast majority of female sexual pleasure. Studies show that women are much more likely to achieve orgasm from clitoral stimulation than from penis-in-vagina penetration.
“No matter how long it lasts, no matter what size the man’s penis, and no matter how the woman feels about the man or the relationship, a guy who knows how to handle the clitoris is everything in female human sexuality,” Singer says. “Clitoral stimulation significantly increases the number and intensity of women’s orgasms.”
Fact: The Clit Is a Lot Like the Penis
So why is this seemingly small and insignificant part of your girlfriend’s body so important to her pleasure during intercourse, oral sex or anything sexual? First up, let’s put it in terms of your penis, which you know like the back of your hand, and it can help you really get why this go-to hot spot is key for success.
“The head of the penis is the head of the clitoris, the shaft of the penis is the legs of the clitoris. When stimulating the clitoris orally, or using hands, sex toys and even rubbing against the body during intercourse, the head of the clitoris is very sensitive. It is even more sensitive than the head of the penis and has many more nerve endings,” Michael explains. “If a man can think about just having the head of his penis rubbed over and over again and ignoring the shaft, that can get very irritating. This is what happens to a woman when the head of her clitoris is rubbed over and over again: it gets irritated and can lead to her not having an orgasm.”
Myth: You Can Just Rub or Press the Clit to Get Her Off
Porn videos may have you believe that making a woman climax is no more complicated than touching her in the right spot.
However, while it’s not rocket science, it’s also not quite that simple. The clit has a long history of being under-studied and poorly understood. In fact, it wasn’t until 1998 that people really started talking about the anatomy of the clitoris in a big way.
The most important thing to remember is that each clit is different and each person with a clit will respond to different forms of stimulation. While certain tricks or approaches are generally useful, the most fool-proof guide for pleasuring the clit is to ask the person connected to it what they like.
Fact: It’s Important to Know the Surrounding Parts
You wouldn’t trust a dentist who didn’t know what different parts of the mouth were called, or a mechanic who didn’t know his way around an engine, so why should anyone with a vagina trust someone who doesn’t know anything about one to stick their hands in there?
To get you up to speed, here’s a quick vocab lesson regarding female genitalia, so you know exactly what you’re getting into, touching and pleasuring.
The vulva is the outside part of the vagina, the part that can be easily seen when a woman is naked. The vulva includes the mons pubis (which is the pubic mound), where pubic hair grows from; the labia majora; the labia minora (also known as “pussy lips”); the clitoris; the opening of the urethra (that’s where she pees from); and the opening of the vagina.
Carlee Ranger
As sex and relationship therapist Courtney Geter, LMFT explains: “The glans and body can be hidden by the clitoral hood. The clitoral hood is similar to the foreskin of the penis and its job is to protect the sensitive glans and shaft. Other parts of the clitoris are the crura or sometimes known as ‘the roots.’ The crura are internal, erectile tissues extending from the clitoral body and forming a V-shape running along the pubic bone,” she notes.
Myth: You Should Spell the Alphabet With Your Tongue
Wouldn’t it be nice if it was this simple? The alphabet trick — that using the tip of your tongue to ‘write’ the letters of the alphabet one by one on the clitoris will make her go wild — is a persistent myth when it comes to clit stimulation.
While putting this to the test could potentially still pleasure your partner, it’s far from a one-size-fits-all approach to clitoral pleasure. Instead of hoping for a magical solution, the best approach is always to make an effort via trial and error to understand the strokes, the repetition, the speed, and the pressure that a given sexual partner needs to get turned on.
It might take some time, but your payoff (and, ahem, hers!) will be well worth the effort.
2. How to Stimulate the Clit With Your Mouth
Oral sex itself is something that’s a learned practice and varies greatly from person to person. Meaning, the techniques that work best on one person may not do much for another.
But one thing that will remain consistent and constant is the importance of focusing on the clit… no matter who, what, when or where.
Consider that for some people with clitorises, the only way they can orgasm is when their partner goes down on them.
“Many women respond strongly to oral sex and feel that this is the only way they can orgasm with their partner,” Singer says. “Whether you’re simply looking to get her excited or you want to show her the final destination, oral is a great technique.”
But how? Good thing you asked. Consider these dos and don’ts:
Do: Use Your Tongue!
Experts agree that your tongue is really your most treasured tool for stimulating the clitoris.
“Your best friend for clitoral stimulation is your tongue,” Singer says. “The tongue is an amazing organ that you have remarkable control over as far as movement, licking patterns and intensity of friction.”
Don’t: Skip the Warm-Up
The clitoris is very, very sensitive and attempting to stimulate it before its owner is properly aroused can potentially be painful for your partner. As such, taking your time to make sure they’re in the mood and enjoying themself before going to direct clitoral stimulation is of paramount importance.
Instead, you can start with foreplay — deep kissing, running your hands across your partner’s body, nipple play, or even dirty talk can help get them ready to receive clitoral stimulation.
Do: Use Long, Controlled Strokes
While many clitoris-havers do enjoy rapid-fire licking, it’s not for everyone. Either way, typically, this kind of attention isn’t a good idea until later on in an oral sex session when they’re deeply aroused and nearing climax.
In the early going, taking it slow and giving the clitoris a lot of long, slow, purposeful licks is a much stronger approach. You can get to the frantic licking later on!
Don’t: Shave Your Face Right Beforehand
Imagine if someone rubbed sandpaper over the top of your erect penis head. Might not feel that great, eh? That’s likely what it would feel like if you shave right before eating someone out.
“Grooming right before giving cunnilingus is a big no-no,” Singer says. “Even a bit of a ‘Five-O’Clock Shadow’ will often result in beard-burn to her inner thighs as you go down on her. Ouch!”
That’s right — counter-intuitively, a bit of facial hair that’s had some time to grow in will actually feel softer on her private parts.
Do: Vary Your Movements
Nothing will get her more bored or less excited than doing the same monotonous movement over and over again, without any variation. The same can be said about only using your mouth and not welcoming your fingers into the picture while you’re going down on her.
Singer says that when it comes to using your mouth to stimulate the clit, variety wins. In addition to fingering her, she says to: “Alternate between oral stimulation with your tongue and your lips! This provides a bit of diversity for you to go get signals from your partner of what is really turning her on.”
3. How to Stimulate the Clit With Your Hands
If you’re feeling pretty uncomfortable or hesitant about going after her clitoris, Singer says this method is probably the easiest to master first.
Not only does it allow for eye contact, since you don’t have your face buried between your partner’s legs, but your mouth isn’t in use, so you can communicate during it easily by asking questions to make sure you’re giving your partner exactly what they want at the right speed and intensity.
“Manual clitoral stimulation technique is very easy,” Singer says. “Once you learn what is working for her, you can move on to applying more pressure, varying the speed and patterns, and using more fingers on her clit.”
Do: Start With One Finger
After you do the warm-up (you know the drill: deep kissing, some rubbing all over the body and some of those beloved heavy moans), you can start to use your fingers to get her turned on.
“You need to rub the side of her clit with one finger. There’s no need to start applying pressure directly to her clit just yet. Instead, rub her clitoral hood or keep your finger just far enough away from it so that it’s not making direct contact,” Singer explains.
After you get more comfortable with the movement and you watch her to see cues of what’s working for her, Singer suggests trying it with two fingers or three, and so on.
“This of course provides more stimulation, with each finger running over her clit right after the previous one,” she says.
Do: Groom Your Fingernails First
Even if you’re not the type of guy who stops by the nail salon to trim your nails, having proper grooming on your fingers is not only essential, but will keep her from getting hurt — or infected.
“Even the slightest jagged fingernail can cause serious abrasion and even injury to her delicate clitoral membrane,” Singer says.
So if you think you’re likely to get some fingering action, wash your hands, trim and clean your fingernails, and buff them to make sure there are no sharp edges beforehand.
Don’t: Overdo the Ending
As you hear your partner start to get turned on, your natural reaction might be to go harder and faster and encourage her to finish. This will actually have the opposite of your intended effect and might make her lose the feel-good, warm sensations she was starting to feel. Slow and steady wins the orgasm race when it comes to clitoris stimulation.
“As with oral stimulation, excessive and extended manual stimulation can kill her buzz,” Singer notes. “Fingers are great for a warm-up and even for a finale to orgasm, but stay very aware of how she is responding and if you sense overstimulation or fatigue, move on to other activities to give her a little break.”
4. How to Stimulate the Clit With Sex Toys
If you’ve explored couples vibrators already, then you likely know how much dimension and kink they can add to your sex life. If not, well, when you add in another layer of stimulation directly to your partner’s clitoris, you up the game even higher (and hotter!).
“Though some women are able to orgasm through penetration, or manual or oral stimulation alone, sometimes that’s just not enough to bring her to orgasm,” Singer explains. “This is where sex toys, specifically vibrators, come into play!”
Do: Include a Sex Toy in the Fun
When you’re shopping around, start with a vibrator that not only penetrates her, but has access to her clitoris too. The nice thing about these types of toys is that they allow you to get in on the fun, too.
“A powerful combination is, while stimulating her clit with a vibrator, give her some vaginal penetration with your penis, fingers or even a G-spot-targeted, vibrating sex toy,” Singer says. “This, more often than not, will bring her to a toe curling orgasm due to the multiple stimulation.”
Don’t: Cheap Out on a Sex Toy
There’s a time and place for saving money, but then there is definitely room to splurge for your sex life. Singer notes the big thing to look for is making sure your toy is phthalates-free to ensure safety and sexual health.
“The sex toy industry has come a long way in recent years with bringing safe and versatile vibrators to market, often including a wide variety of settings to explore which work best for her,” Singer says. “The U.S. EPA has designated phthalates as ‘possible human carcinogens,’ and they have also been linked to neurological and reproductive issues.”
“When buying sex toys, it is best to either go to a local sex toy shop and speak with one of the employees for suggestions, or shop online with a reputable retailer like Adam and Eve, Gamelink or Lovehoney,” she suggests. “These sites carefully choose their inventory with quality and safety as their foremost priority, with the added bonus of having consumer reviews on most products they carry.”
5. How to Stimulate the Clit With Lubricants
“Lubrication is critical for most clitorises,” Singer says. And for good reason! While she might already be wet, there’s nothing better than making it a smoother experience for both of you.
Further, medical issues or variations in human anatomy means not every clit-owner will get wet the same. If your partner’s psychologically aroused but the wetness isn’t following suit, you may need to bring some extra lube to the party.
Here’s what to know about introducing a lubricant into your clit game:
Don’t: Use Any Old Lube Without Thinking
If you’re using sex toys, you want to make sure that the lubricant you use to get the sex toy ready is compatible and safe.
“Silicone-based lubes are fine on toys made of hard materials, like hard plastic, aluminum, ceramic, steel, granite, wood, marble, etc,” Singer notes. However, it is important to keep silicone lubes away from sex toys that are made of or contain silicone (which is most higher-end vibrators and insertable sex toys).”
How come?
“If you use silicone lube on silicone toys, the lube will start to solidify onto the toy, and the toy will start to melt into the lube, leaving you with a toy that has a melted cheese-like consistency on the outside,” Singer explains. “The solution here is to always use water-based lubricants, which will not chemically interact with your new $125 silicone-based sex toy and risk injuring your partner’s delicate areas.”
Do: Consider a Fertility-Friendly Lube
“If you and your partner are trying to conceive a baby, standard lubricants from your local pharmacy can be full of ingredients that actually fight your sperm, which can make getting pregnant even harder than it can already be,” Singer says.
In that case, she notes, “It’s important to pick a sperm-friendly lubricant that will be supportive of your new mission: having a baby. Lubricants meant for baby-making help with sperm viability and motility by encouraging them to swim to your partner’s uterus. Ask your OBGYN for recommended products if this applies to you!”
6. Stimulating the Clit With Your Penis
Another way to stimulate the clitoris? With your penis, of course.
“One powerful yet often neglected technique for clitoral stimulation is using the shaft of the penis to contact the clit. With lots of lube, this technique can lead to mind-blowing orgasms for her,” Singer says.
Do: Try the Coital Alignment Technique
Most of your go-to sex positions actually don’t give your member a chance to stimulate the clit. This is where the “coital alignment technique” comes into play, and it can be very powerful in your lovemaking.
Carlee Ranger
“This is often done in the missionary position, but instead of thrusting as the basic motion, there is a rocking motion, which stimulates the clitoris much better,” Singer says. “The man enters initially from between the woman’s legs, which are apart and slightly bent, but then lifts himself further up the length of her body so that his thrusts make contact between his shaft and her clitoris.”
Don’t: Go Full Speed Ahead
The way to use your penis for direct contact to the clit is the same way you’d use your fingers. Similar in shape, they both need to practice warming your partner up before applying too much pressure, too soon.
“Try using the shaft of your penis in the same way you use your fingers! It’s a nice treat for her if before you insert your penis into her vagina, you use your well-lubed shaft to gently rub up and down on her clitoris,” Singer says.
Apart from it being painful for her if you push too hard, it can also cause you to lose control because, well, it will feel awesome for you, too.
“When using your shaft to rub her clit when it is not inserted, be careful not to also use the head of your penis too much,” Singer notes, “as it just may feel so good that it leads to premature ejaculation. Ooops!”
7. Advanced Clitoris Techniques
If you feel like you’ve — finally — become a pro at stimulating the clit, it’s time to move on to the even more complicated parts of her anatomy and take on another challenge. Let us suggest one to get you started (and have you begin your practice):
Try OMGYES
In addition to practice, communication, being mindful of the habits and the needs of your partner and overall, adopting a sense of curiosity and determination with her pleasure, your best bet to truly nail the clitoris? Focusing on education, instead of just stimulation.
The truth is that, while porn will help you get turned on, blow off steam and maybe fulfill a fantasy viewing that your long-term girlfriend isn’t quite into, it’s focused almost completely on getting you to orgasm.
You might think that those close-up shots of a porn star’s vagina are helping you understand how to go down on your lady or how to finger her effectively, but instead, it’s likely just a turn on tool. In addition to your porn habit, try something that might take your sex life up a notch: OMGYES.
This resource, created and curated by women, is meant to help you understand the female anatomy through providing educational tools that are not only stimulating and sexy, but interactive. Before you hop into the sack with your gal after a long day at work, you can log into your account, where you will be given options on different types of ‘play’ to practice.
These are all intended to be a guide to different sexual techniques and goals — so if you want to learn how to touch, stroke, massage and pleasure her clitoris, you can select a path that’ll get you there. And even more fun if you own a touch-screen device, you can actually practice on a rendering of a real vagina, or watch a how-to video, created by and featuring a woman.
As you add up those practice hours, you’ll pass on to the next level, helping you to achieve your sexual education in a way that’s way more fun than gym class.
Check out OMGYES
Stimulating the G-Spot & Clitoris to Make Her Squirt
Curious about making her squirt? While the clit itself isn’t part of the squirting, clitoral stimulation can lead to an ejaculation. So how do you do it? Here, Hall gives you a lesson:
“Once your woman is aroused, insert your index finger inside of her and find her G-spot, which is a couple of inches inside of her front vaginal wall and feels less smooth than the rest of her vagina,” Hall says. “Using a ‘come hither’ motion, thrust your finger into the G-spot area — this requires some pressure, so watch her reactions to ensure what you’re doing feels good to her.”
“You can also add lube to help keep your movements smooth. Keep the palm of your hand cupped around her pubic mound as your finger stimulates her. After a few minutes you should be able to feel the G-spot area swell beneath your touch. This is the Skene gland filling with fluid. You can add another finger, but the real trick is to stimulate the G-spot and her clitoris simultaneously. This can lead to squirting and amazing orgasms.”
Illustrations by Carleena Ranger.
How To Finger A Girl
6 Ways to Arouse a Woman
How to Buy Her a Sex Toy
Source: AskMen
