How to Discuss Safer Sex Without Ruining the Mood

7 Tips for Talking About Safer Sex While Keeping the Mood Sexy

7 Tips for Talking About Safer Sex While Keeping the Mood Sexy

Safer sex can often feel like a difficult subject to approach, which is perfectly normal considering many people have little experience in the matter. And even if you do have experience, it can still be something that can threaten to ruin the mood.

Although broadly speaking, safer sex includes questions of pregnancy prevention and respecting people’s boundaries, for many people it does center around preventing the transmission of sexually transmitted infections.

From that perspective, discussing safer sex can be sort of like saying, “I think one of us may have an STI.”

Even if it’s a possibility well worth guarding against — after all, most infected people are unaware of their STI status, since these infections often take weeks or months to show symptoms — it can still be an awkward thing to address. In a moment of intimacy and closeness, one person has to say, “Let’s not be too close.”

Still, avoiding an STI can be not only a smart move, it could be potentially life-changing. So, in order to help less sexually experienced guys get more comfortable with navigating this potentially awkward conversation, AskMen spoke to a handful of sex experts. Here’s what they had to say:

Can Talking About Safer Sex Ruin the Mood?

“It’s not a sexy conversation to have with a new partner, but it is an important one,” says Colette Fehr, LMFT, mental health counselor and author of The Cost of Quiet.

“Most people are uncomfortable discussing sex and intimacy to begin with, and when it comes to talking about sex precautions or boundaries, it’s even more awkward,” she says.

Part of the problem when it comes to navigating safer sex conversations is the relative lack of models that people can draw on, according to Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the @SexWithDrJess podcast.

“We see such limited representations of what sex actually looks like, and in the absence of realistic portrayals, we tend to turn to pop culture (movies, TV shows and porn) as our guides,” she says.

However, O’Reilly notes, “these scenes rarely depict the reality of safer sex conversations. If we compare ourselves to on-screen characters/actors and expect our sex lives to mirror their experiences, it follows that we might assume that safer sex is an assumption, as opposed to a series of conversations.”

Even if that’s not a big issue for you, it can also feel dicey to talk about when this is your first time hooking up with a new person.

“It’s also common to feel nervous or uncomfortable with a new partner especially when we fear rejection, so any conversation can feel awkward and intimidating,” says O’Reilly. “But feeling nervous is normal (and it can be a good sign), so we need to push through the awkwardness (which can also help to build trust, connection and attraction).”

“Usually there’s a fear of rejection associated with discussing safer sex,” Fehr agrees. “It’s pretty vulnerable to broach the desire to use protection, state a sexual boundary, or disclose a sexually transmitted [infection], but an emotionally mature, healthy partner who is genuinely interested in you will ultimately appreciate your courage and honesty.”

How to Address Safer Sex Practices

1. Bring It Up Early

A big part of how comfortable or awkward the conversation may feel comes down to timing. According to Fehr, it’s a good idea to address the matter before you’re on the precipice of the sex itself.

It “doesn’t have to kill the mood if it’s addressed prior to the heat of the moment,” she says.

Vivastreet sexual health and wellness expert Sarah Mulindwa agrees, suggesting you “choose an appropriate time to discuss [the matter], avoiding high-pressure situations” — like at a fancy restaurant on a date, or after you’ve both already gotten naked.

As O’Reilly points out, “you may find it easier to communicate via text, as you have the opportunity to edit before sending.”

2. Make It Fun

“You can also lighten the mood with a little humor,” says Fehr.

“Try to frame the conversation positively, focusing on mutual well-being and shared responsibility,” Mulindway says. If you’re feeling awkward about it, she notes, you could always incorporate humor and warmth to keep the mood light.

“Starting the conversation in a fun and flirty way can ease the tension and preserve the vibe,” says Fehr. “You might say something like,

‘I’ve been thinking about all the things I want to do with you, and I want to make sure we’re on the same page about protection so we can get started. What do you like to use?’”

3. Acknowledge the Awkwardness

Sometimes in life, the best way to overcome awkwardness is to address it head-on. That’s sometimes the case with flirting, and it can also be the case with safer sex.

“A direct approach where you acknowledge the awkwardness can be a great way to ease your partner’s stress about the subject and create authentic connection,” says Fehr. “You could say,

‘It’s kind of awkward to bring up the subject of when we last tested and using protection, but I also know it’s important for us to talk about it. How do you feel about having that conversation?’

“Being genuine about how tough it is to broach and showing curiosity about your partner’s feelings goes a long way.”

4. Frame It as Must, Not as an Option

“Frame the conversation as necessary as opposed to optional,” says O’Reilly.

That way, you’re normalizing a safer-sex oriented approach, rather than implying the other person can choose between that and a riskier path as two equally viable options.

O’Reilly suggests using phrases like:

“I always use condoms. Which one do you prefer?”
“I get tested every X months. How about you?”
“I’m into _____. What do you think?”

A question like

“Did you bring any condoms, or should we use some of mine?”

can subtly shift the discussion away from whether to use condoms or not, and towards how exactly the condom use will go down. Someone who’s not crazy about using condoms but doesn’t want to rock the boat may find it easier to go along with your safer sex plan rather than argue for unprotected sex.

5. Make It Sexy

While it may feel clinical to some, the truth is that talking about safer sex can be genuinely sexy when done right. O’Reilly suggests that you can mix some naughty talk into your safer sex convo in order to make it feel less like an unsexy departure from the mood. She suggests saying things like:

“I can’t wait to __________. Before we start, let’s talk about testing/condoms/lube/safer sex.”
“I’m aching for you. Let’s grab a condom.”

Given that emotional safety is also a part of safer sex, you could also ask a sexy question like the following, O’Reilly says.

“I’m so turned on by giving pleasure. What can I do to make you feel at ease?”

Pro tip: If putting the condom on in the moment is an awkward experience, consider having the other person put it on and manually stimulate the penis at the same time. Turning condom application into a lube-boosted handjob can take an uncomfortable moment and turn it seriously sexy.

6. Be Brave

“Regardless of which approach you use, stay calm and summon the courage to bring it up,” says Fehr. “Most of the time, the topic of safer sex has already gone through your partner’s mind too, and they’re probably unsure of how to bring it up to you. It’s a relief when people discover they’re thinking about the same things and nervous about how to approach the conversation.”

“Don’t feel guilty or embarrassed for bringing it up,” she says. “Again, have this conversation before the moment arises. Knowing what you both want and agree on will make intimacy much more natural, fun, and carefree.”

7. Talk About It With Friends, Too

Remember that part earlier about a lack of models for these conversations?

Mulindwa suggests “encouraging open communication about sexual health with your partner, and even within your friendship circle.”

“This normalises the practice of getting screened regularly and removes any underlying shame or stigma that lots of people can struggle with,” she notes.

Normalizing safer sex discussions with your friends can not only help make you more comfortable having these kinds of conversations one-on-one with a new partner, it can also help your friends in the same way.

What to Do If the Mood Has Been Ruined

While often these conversations will go more smoothly than anticipated — after all, the other person likely has a good reason to want to avoid STI transmission and/or pregnancy — there’s no guarantee that they all will.

At the end of the day, different people have different risk tolerances, and some may be more comfortable prioritizing their pleasure over a sex partner’s comfort.

“The key is open and honest communication, creating an environment where both partners feel heard and respected in discussions about sexual health,” Mulindwa says.

But what happens if the other person simply isn’t on the same page as you?

1. Ask About Their Reaction

“There are a few things you can do: Start by gauging their reaction,” says Fehr. “If they’re surprised but open to discussion, you can gently guide the conversation back on track. On the other hand, if they become defensive, dismissive or manipulative, that’s a red flag. Someone who truly respects you will be willing to have a mature conversation about sex and safety.

“You can also clarify your intentions,” she says. “Say something like,

“I brought this up because I respect both of us and want us to have a good experience,”

or

“Talking about this doesn’t mean I don’t trust you. It’s just something I always discuss before getting intimate.”

“Remain curious and give them some grace; it’s possible they’re also nervous and their reaction may be in response to their own discomfort as opposed to resistance against practicing safer sex,” O’Reilly adds.

2. Give Them Some Space to Adjust

If the other person’s response to your attempt to bring up safer sex leaves you a bit wanting, it’s understandable that you might feel frustrated or uncertain. However, it’s not necessarily a sign that all is lost.

“They may need some space to adjust, so consider if you’re willing to give them a bit of space or time,” O’Reilly says. “You may be setting a new standard.”

3. Remember That the Mood Can Be Resuscitated

Did things go from hot-hot-hot to brutally awkward all of a sudden? You might be kicking yourself, but fret not.

“Moods can always be cultivated,” says O’Reilly. “Just because you digress from intense arousal for a period of time doesn’t mean that you can’t bring yourselves back.”

Here again, you may not have a ton of models for seeing two people go from excitement to awkwardness back to excitement, but it’s a normal process that happens all the time.

Staying with them and retaining some optimism about the chances of things turning sexy again can go a long way.

4. Check In With Your Own Feelings

Still, if their reaction is strongly negative — maybe they made fun of you, or rejected the concept of protection entirely — you may want to consider that a deal-breaker.

“If their reaction makes you uncomfortable or disrespected, it’s probably a good indication that this is someone you don’t want to move forward with,” says Fehr. “Mature adults understand that safety is an essential precursor to sexual pleasure.”

5. Consider Moving On

“If it’s a value misalignment (you want to discuss practice safer sex and they clearly don’t), you may want to reconsider if this is a fit,” says O’Reilly.

Or it may be that “the other person balks at the idea of having sex with a condom or respecting your personal safer sex boundaries,” as Fehr puts it.

Whatever the issue, if you’re too far apart from each other, you may simply not be compatible as sexual partners.

“Just remember that it’s better to be safe than sorry,” says Fehr. “Your health is on the line and it’s not worth taking chances. Although a mood killer is unfortunate, if you’re mature enough to have sex, then you have to be mature enough to discuss safe sex.”

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Source: AskMen