Exploring the Connection Between Sex Work & Therapy

Tons of Men Essentially Use Sex Workers as Therapists. But Should They?

Tons of Men Essentially Use Sex Workers as Therapists. But Should They?

Even though talking to men about their emotions is not part of the official job description of the vast majority of sex workers, for so many in the profession, it is a de facto reality of the job.

Depending on the specific sex worker’s feelings and the nature of the work in question, this may feel like an additional burden, a fun conversation, or even a pleasant reprieve from the more straightforwardly sexual aspects of the job.

It also may, like many other aspects of working with the public, simply depend on who you’re dealing with each time. Talking to one guy about his social anxiety might be a pleasant opportunity to connect with another person; talking to another about his failing marriage might feel exhausting and agonizing.

However, the prevalence of these types of interactions raises interesting questions about whether guys are, in some way, using interactions with sex workers as a form of therapy. And if so, is that a useful approach to mental health — or a potentially dangerous one, since the vast majority of sex workers don’t have a licensed therapeutic background?

In order to better understand the phenomenon of men opening up about their feelings to sex workers, AskMen spoke to a number of people — a variety of people with experience in different facets of the profession, as well as one brave client. Here’s what they had to say:

Why Do Men Talk About Their Feelings to Sex Workers?

One of the defining characteristics of being raised male in contemporary society is being told — implicitly, explicitly, or both — that it’s unmanly and cringe-worthy to experience emotions.

Apart from happiness and anger, emotions like sadness, fear, anxiety, uncertainty, regret — which might be more associated with stereotypical femininity — are often presented as being closed off to modern men, leading to many guys being unwilling or unable to express the full range of human emotion.

One upshot of this conditioning is that men often feel they can only be their true, full, emotionally, vulnerable selves with romantic partners; that anyone else will judge, mock or punish them for expressing these feelings.

As the writer bell hooks explained in her book The Will to Change, “Men of all ages who want to talk about feelings usually learn not to go to other men. And if they are heterosexual, they are far more likely to try sharing with women they have been sexually intimate with. Women talk about the fact that intimate conversation with males often takes place in the brief moments before and after sex.”

Knowing this, it’s perhaps less surprising to realize that many men treat sex workers as a form of therapist. And it’s also fair to note that men sometimes fear that same mockery from their actual romantic partners.

“I think about one client who said ‘how could I ever let my girl know I’m a foot slave?’,” says Maya, a pro domme and former stripper. “With me, he’s submissive. In his day to day life, he presents traditionally masculine.”

The logic, presumably, goes like this: in feeling physical or sexual intimacy with a sex worker, men see them as a sort of surrogate romantic partner — but also one who has a built-in economic incentive to be kind instead of dismissive or cruel, and one from whom they have enough emotional distance that they aren’t worried about being hurt.

If they are in situations where they don’t feel they have people in their lives they can open up to, the sex-worker-as-substitute-partner may well feel like the person they are most capable of sharing their feelings with, whether it’s a stripper, cam performer, full-service sex worker, or some other form.

And this form of transference is far from a rare occurrence — to some, it’s essentially baked into sex work itself.

“Sex workers joke that we are naked therapists,” says former stripper Risdon Roberts, a surrogate partner, consent educator, intimacy coordinator, and sex coach.

Steph, a sex worker I spoke to who has experience in the camming world as well as with stripping and being a sugar baby, agrees that this kind of interaction is “super common.”

“Many men who seek out sex workers are openly seeking intimacy and emotional connection in addition to the sexual aspects,” she says. “Sex workers are also, generally, very open and accepting people, and I think that has a huge impact on this phenomenon.”

“As a young man who was really repressed and closeted regarding his sexuality, booking sessions with professional Dominatrixes in my early twenties really helped me develop a healthier sense of self and sexual understanding,” says Ace, a man I spoke to for this article. “Not just in exploring particular aspects of desire and fantasy, but also in discussing complex and confusing feelings about masculinity, self-worth, gender roles, social norms, as well as my general mental health at the time.”

That approach isn’t unique to Ace, notes Gigi Patsy, a professional escort, on behalf of Vivastreet: “I even have clients who call me and say, ‘I want half an hour of therapy and half an hour of girlfriend experience.’”

If the initial sense of comfort perhaps comes from seeing the interaction as an ersatz kind of romantic connection, though, there are certainly other commonalities that help cement the bond between sex work and therapy.

“I think there are a lot of overlaps” between the two practices, says Roberts. “Sex workers provide affirmation, a listening ear, corrective relational experiences.”

“The need for human connection is universal,” agrees CamSoda model Charley Hart. “We all want to feel heard and understood, and cam sites can fulfill that need in different ways. It’s not just about the fantasy — it’s also about making that emotional connection.”

These kinds of interactions might occur “especially in instances where the interactions are more conversational than physical, like with cam performers and OnlyFans models,” says sex therapist and psychologist Dr. Melissa Cook, an expert for FunWithFeet and Sofia Gray. “It’s not uncommon for men to open up about their personal lives, feelings and struggles in these spaces as they see them as safe and non-judgmental. The added layer of anonymity means that some men feel more comfortable to be vulnerable and express things they might not elsewhere.”

And the shift towards online-based sex work such as camming and streaming sites may be making the practice more mainstream, since guys no longer have to visit a strip club or meet up with an escort in person in order to have such conversations.

That’s what MaEve, a LiveJasmin model, says, noting that “this is something that has become more common over the last year or so, and changed my perception of the industry.”

“I would say that camming leads to the most ‘sex worker as therapist’ dynamic by far,” says Steph. “People are in their homes, they’re safe and they’re in a more open state. You can end up spending many hours with a cam model and it creates intimacy and trust that leads to men opening up more.”

“Realistically, most men can’t afford to go to the strip club or see an escort five nights a week, but they can hang out with their favorite streamer every night,” Steph notes.

What Do Sex Workers Think About It?

So male clients clearly enjoy this practice at least to some degree, given so many of them engage in it. But how do the sex workers feel about it?

As it turns out, while listening to a stranger tell you their troubles isn’t high on most people’s list of favorite activities, and while the sex workers I spoke to were unanimous that not everyone in the industry does enjoy it, lots of them do — and not all for the same reasons.

“I personally love it because I get to give my unsolicited opinion on their life, whether it be correct or not,” says Patsy, while MaEve notes that some sex workers find it “rewarding to be trusted and to know we are helping someone through a tough time.”

“I’d say it’s really more about what the individual person offers,” says Maya. “Some people are really happy to offer a ‘therapist’ role and take on that emotional labor. Some don’t want to go there at all, because it’s a different level of intimacy.”

“For me it really depends on the specific dynamic with each client, since I offer different services to different people and meet clients in different contexts,” she says. “I feel like I’m a chameleon, so I really respond to the energy of the person I’m with. If I’m on the clock, it’s their time, so I’m usually pretty cool with it.”

However, Maya notes, “If they’re expecting this outside of my getting paid, then that’s when it’s a problem.” And, as Patsy explains, some people just aren’t into this dynamic, and prefer briefer interactions that are more focused on the sexual aspect.

Still, “In my experience, most cam models are OK with it,” says Hart. “Humans crave connection, and if someone’s willing to pay for that emotional support, and there’s a real bond, it works for both parties. Honestly, there are tougher ways to make a living.”

In fact, the Domme Ace was making this kind of talk an explicit part of her work, not just an implicitly understood extra facet of it.

“In many ways, this ‘therapy’ aspect was built into the experience,” Ace notes. “The booking/application form for the first Dominatrix I saw had me outline my desires, fears, limits, and expectations, etc. She also required follow-ups and reports after a session: sex homework.”

Is Talking to Sex Workers About Your Feelings a Good Idea?

That kind of dynamic may make talking to a sex worker about your emotional and psychological state sound a bit more like real therapy, but it’s far from the norm.

Where sex work and therapy differ, says Roberts, “obviously beyond licensure and boundaries, is that in my experience the role of the therapist is to help the client to grow, which often means challenging them in ways that are unpleasant.”

On the flip side, she notes, “As a sex worker, my ultimate goal was always to have the client have a positive experience so that they would book again.”

From that perspective, there are clear incentives for a sex worker, whether it be a stripper, a pro Domme, a cam performer or an escort, not to push their clients to have the type of emotionally intense self-reflection that actual therapy often requires in order to produce long-term results.

It might feel great to unburden yourself to someone who’s able to lend a non-judgmental ear, but it’s not a replacement for working with a trained professional on deep-seated emotional issues.

The good news is that the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

“In my experience, many of the men that open up are also men that have been or are currently in therapy,” says Steph. “So it’s not necessarily a substitute.”

“Also, Steph notes, “many of them are in online therapy, so we’re essentially in the same setting.”

Another positive point is that many guys who engage in this kind of emotional conversation with a sex worker may not necessarily need full-on therapy — just someone to talk to.

“The truth is,” says Steph, “being an emotionally healthy person is more than just seeing a therapist regularly. I saw a TikTok recently by a therapist saying that they wish they could prescribe their clients a friend. And I think sex workers provide a safe, understanding connection for many people that don’t have that in their lives.”

Still, while loneliness is a real problem, it’s far from the only one lots of guys are facing. As Patsy notes, “There are definitely some cases where men should seek professional help from a therapist and not a sex worker.”

“While professional help is always an option, not everyone feels comfortable seeing a therapist,” Hart notes.

And it’s true — if you’re spilling your guts while chatting to a sexy streamer, that might feel a lot less daunting than signing up for real-deal therapy. But if anything, here, Steph’s point is salient: If you’re already comfortable with opening up emotionally to streaming performers while sitting at home, maybe engaging in that dynamic with someone who’s been professionally trained to help people with their emotional issues might not be as big of a leap as it seems.

As MaEve puts it, “Talking to a cam model can be a stepping stone to finding professional help if needed.”

Your model of choice is unlikely to recommend you ditch her for someone with a psychology degree, but recognizing that you’ve gotten comfortable opening up to a stranger about your feelings could be a sign that actual therapy wouldn’t be all that much harder.

How to Handle Your Feelings With Sex Workers

Even if many sex workers are up for their sessions with clients containing some degree of emotional sharing and vulnerability, that doesn’t mean that anything goes. As with the sexual portions of sex work interactions, it’s possible (and unfortunately, common) for clients to make providers feel uncomfortable.

For one, guys may be coming to the interactions from a place of feeling wounded and alone — hence the need to open up in the first place. But where a traditional therapist would try to work on this in a classical therapeutic context, a cam streamer won’t, for instance.

“Unlike therapy, there are no strict boundaries,” says Steph. “Without enforcing professional boundaries, the mixture of emotional and sexual connection can lead to parasocial relationships, transference and limerence.”

“Sometimes it can get complicated,” says Hart. “There are situations where people play emotional games. Some users try to manipulate or test a model’s loyalty by creating multiple relationships or even pitting models against each other. That’s when it crosses a line.”

Ultimately, it’s important to remember that just because you’re paying for the experience doesn’t mean it’s OK to be cruel or inappropriate to a sex worker.

“Just like in any relationship, communication should feel comfortable for both people,” says MaEve.

“We are real people, we’re not robots,” says Patsy. “Treat them how you would expect to be treated back. You can also absolutely speak about your life, the appointment is your time, however don’t expect a sex worker to open up and discuss things in their life in return.”

“Just as when venting/unloading on any other person,” says Steph, who recommends “a quick, ‘is this cool?’” to check if you’re OK.

And even though sex workers may seem like they’re down for whatever and have seen and heard it all, “There are going to be some topics that the provider doesn’t want to talk about, so don’t push the conversation and topic if they don’t want to talk about it,” Patsy notes.

If there’s a specific topic you think you’ll want to talk about with a provider, that might be something you could check about in advance, Roberts explains.

“If you’re seeking a sex worker for a specific reason, not just a good time, you should probably mention that when doing your screening/booking forms, just to ensure it is something the provider is comfortable with,” they say. “Most sex workers won’t have long conversations for free, but many mention on their websites, ads, or social media that they work with specific populations. A little research (and a tip!) will go a long way in this department.”

Ultimately, so long as you recognize that it’s not a substitute for traditional talk therapy and shouldn’t be perceived as one, talking about your feelings with a sex worker can be pleasant and affirming experience — for both parties, even — so long as you’re a good client about it.

“If you’re looking for emotional support, be clear about it and don’t be afraid to share what’s on your mind, but also remember that it’s a two-way street — respect the model’s boundaries and comfort levels,” MaEve says. “And most importantly, enjoy the connection for what it is and be open to what it can bring.”

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Source: AskMen