Everything You Need to Know About Demisexuals

Do They Want to Go Slow or Are They Demisexual? Here’s How to Tell

Dating comes with plenty of challenges. But for those who identify as demisexual, there are a few added layers to navigate — particularly when trying to explain their position to those that aren’t familiar with the term.

“A demisexual is usually defined as someone who isn’t interested in sex except in the context of a strong emotional connection or bond,” explains sexologist Carol Queen.

“Since this is very common among people who have been raised with traditional values (‘no sex until marriage’ could be a version of this), she says, people may view demisexuals as espousing conservative views or being ‘prudish’ when they are simply people who function differently.

According to Queen, the demisexual identity has less of an emphasis on sex in general — unless there’s a connection with someone who really awakens it.

But try telling that to someone you’ve been on a few dates with, and things can get tricky. Not to mention, spending time forging a connection only to find out that this person is actually not someone you’re sexually attracted to despite the bond you’ve created adds even more time to the process, and can mean confusion for both parties involved.

What else should you be aware of when it comes to demisexuality? Here’s everything you need to know about demisexuals — from the way they view relationships to where they fall on the asexual spectrum, and tips for navigating the dating scene if you identify this way (or are seeing someone that does).

Demisexuals and Arousal

Arousal, as most of us know it, is typically visually driven. Whether it’s fantasizing over that smoking hot woman you sat across from on the train during your commute or watching your favorite porn flick, the process of getting turned on is usually a sight-driven experience.

But not so for demisexuals. Because of this, David Ezell, clinical director of Darien Wellness says there are fewer demisexual men than women.

“It is rare in men because men are, with these few exceptions, visually stimulated,” he explains. “For example, pornography (save for written forms) exploits men’s visual stimulation. Most males see something that attracts them and feel a need to pursue that object; the power of images drives them.”

But Ezell says demisexuals don’t experience the world that way.

“While they can acknowledge visual attraction, it is not the basis of arousal,” he explains. “Arousal for them comes about as they become more intimate and share experiences and intimacies with a person.”

This may be new news to you gentlemen, but the process of connection-based arousal is very much in line with the way women experience it.

“While women do experience visual stimulation, it is not nearly as important to them as emotional connection,” he says.

Demisexuals on the Asexual Spectrum

Those who identify as demisexuals do fall on the asexual spectrum — but unlike asexual people, demisexuals are capable of feeling significant sexual attraction, in specific contexts.

“Asexual spectrum folk’s main issue may be with the fact that many people don’t understand them or consider asexuality normal,” explains Queen. “So if they yearn for a sexual connection, it’s mainly because they want to fit in, especially in the dating and socializing world, rather than that they really want sex. And of course the emergence of the ‘ace’ community means that there is more support for not fitting in this way.”

Both demisexuals and asexuals still want companionship. But while those on the asexual spectrum are able to identify a partner for said companionship based on an array of other personality factors, demisexuals still hold the question of when and if a sexual connection will happen when vetting potential mates.

“The biggest dating issue for a demisexual may be navigating this question of sexual desire,” says Queen, “When/if, and with whom and under what circumstances.”

Also, the way that demisexuals go about seeking out these potential partners differs from the norm.

“Many [demisexuals] don’t really date, but rather become close to someone in their circle,” says Queen. “That might be a common experience, even a strategy. And of course, many people who date don’t have sex right away or maybe ever, which can be a strategy for a demisexual person trying out connections with others — similar to a non-demi person just being especially choosy about who they get sexual with.”

If You’re Dating a Demisexual

If you’re dating someone who identifies as demisexual, Ezell says the first thing you need to do is to forget about what you typically expect the trajectory of the dating process to be like.

“Change your expectations about timelines,” he says. “Connection is what drives [demisexuals], and that occurs on a slower timeline.”

That can be a tough pill to swallow, especially if you’re not the patient type. But fostering a connection with a demisexual that’s based on time and experience together is the only path that will lead you to success as far as dating goes.

Step two in dating someone who’s demisexual? If you’re used to being in relationships that become physical right away, or use that as a basis for feeling wanted and secure in a relationship, you’ll need to check your ego at the door.

However, if you’re a highly sexual person who will feel shut out and frustrated by not having sex for a lengthy amount of time make you feel less wanted or cared about, ultimately, you and a demisexual person might not be a good fit for each other.

If You Are Demisexual

Queen says that the most beneficial thing demisexuals can do for themselves during their search for a partner is to be straightforward about their identity. “I would always argue for the demisexual person to be upfront and communicate about things in the dating world,” she says.

“Specifically because they may find themselves dating someone who is in it for the sexual possibilities, and maybe not the close bond!” It can be awkward to take sex off the table right off the bat — and it’s not exactly the type of light first-date conversation you’d ideally want to have.

But Queen points out that the sooner you figure out what’s on the agenda for your potential match, the better off you both will be.

“This is a way for the demisexual person to prioritize people who, if they get bonded, will accept them and treat them well,” says Queen.

Because of the gendered expectations and trends around attraction and arousal, demisexual men may have more skin in the game, according to Ezell, in that when they do feel attracted to a partner, this is a person that matters.

“If the male is the demisexual partner, sharing experiences will mean a great deal to him,” he says. “Men connect with people they share experiences with much more so than women, who connect with shared intimacies.”

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Source: AskMen