What Is Sexual Outercourse?
This Could Be Your Secret Hack to Way More Pleasurable Sex
This Could Be Your Secret Hack to Way More Pleasurable Sex
What is sex? For so many people in the world, it’s a penis going into a vagina.
But that’s not how everyone sees it. Ask many a gay guy, and he’ll think about a penis going into an anus instead. Ask a lesbian, she might have a very different take, too. But what happens when you ask a sexologist?
Well, they’ll likely tell you that sex is a much more expansive concept than just penetration, that it can include many different forms of genital touching, as well as breast and nipple play.
They’d likely even mention things (like phone sex, sexting and mutual masturbation) where the participants never actually touch, let alone penetrate each other.
If you’re old-school, you might see these things as examples of foreplay rather than sex, but the way we think about sex is shifting. Today, people might be more likely to recognize a more expansive definition of sex as non-penetrative sex, or “outercourse” — as compared to the more penetrative “intercourse.”
But what is outercourse, exactly? Who is it for, and why should anyone care? In order to explore the numerous benefits of outercourse, AskMen spoke to a sexpert and a porn star who think it’s an important part of any sexual lifestyle. Here’s what they had to say:
What Is Outercourse?
“Outercourse is basically anything that gets you close and intimate without actual penetration of the vagina or anus,” says Kiwi porn actor and creator Layla Kelly.
So what does that look like in practice? Well, it can look like a lot of things.
Kelly and Anna Richards, founder of and producer at ethical adult erotica site FrolicMe.com, list activities like:
kissing/making outdry humping/grinding/frottingmutual masturbationoral sex (blowjobs/cunnilingus)anilingus/rimming breast/nipple playsensual massagesmanual stimulation (fingering/handjobs)using sex toys
The Pros & Cons of Outercourse
Lots of people might look at the above list and think, “Well, those are all fun, but they’re not nearly as fun as penetration.”
And of course, that’s both a common and valid feeling — but that doesn’t mean that a) everyone feels that way, and b) that’s a sign that there’s no need to have a balanced sexual diet. A great main course is rarely a bad thing, but there’s a reason appetizers exist — variety is often capable of taking things from good to great.
One big value of outercourse is in the way it can represent a mindset shift.
“As someone who makes content with regular guys and not pros, I see how common performance anxiety is,” says Kelly. “So many men feel like they have to look a certain way, last forever, or act like a porn star.”
“But when we focus on outercourse, that pressure can fade,” she says. “They stop worrying about whether they’re ‘doing it right’ and start tuning in to what actually feels good — for them and their partner.”
In sum, Kelly explains, outercourse “can be a way to focus on real pleasure, intimacy, and connection, without the pressure of needing to ‘perform.’”
This approach can allow people — guys in the penetrating role especially — to “focus solely on pleasure and enjoyment” rather than whether they’re ‘performing’ properly as lovers, she says.
The result?
“It’s more playful, more relaxed, and honestly, way hotter,” according to Kelly. .
Outercourse can have some other benefits, too, says Richards.
“One benefit of outercourse is that it is less likely to lead to pregnancy and STIs than penetrative sex,” she notes. “While oral sex and frotting can spread STIs, other forms of outercourse like external fingering and use of sex toys are unlikely to, and pregnancy is unlikely unless there is ejaculation in or near the vagina (e.g. a creampie).”
Though as Kelly points out, “nothing is 100% risk-free when it comes to sexual activities,” certain forms of outercourse can be a way to explore sexual pleasure with significantly lower risk, “especially when there is no exchange of bodily fluid or skin-to-skin contact.”
The biggest drawback of outercourse? You guessed it — it’s that it’s not penetration.
“A lot of people really enjoy the feeling of penetration, as it provides G-spot stimulation for those with vaginas, as well as a feeling of fullness (anally or vaginally) that many enjoy,” says Richards.
And, if you’re the penetrating partner, well, it’s hard to beat that sensation, too. But, as Richards notes, most people can easily enjoy both.
Who Can Benefit From Outercourse?
Outercourse is useful and important because the truth is, however, that not everyone can enjoy intercourse with ease.
For one, Richards says, “outercourse is also great for people who experience pain during penetration due to medical conditions such as endometriosis and vaginismus.”
It can also be highly useful for guys who experience performance issues relating to anxiety, erectile difficulties or premature ejaculation. Knowing that you can pleasure your partner without having a rock-hard erection that lasts for hours can be an important way to feel good about yourself as a lover.
Even if you and/or your partner don’t fall into the above categories, however, an appreciation for and comfort with outercourse is a useful tool to have in your sexual toolbox, and Kelly thinks that just about anyone can benefit from it, including those in long-distance relationships and couples just starting out who want to take things slow.
“Personally, I love outercourse because it helps me be more mindful during my sexual experiences, it helps me slow down, be present in the moment and focus on connection more than performance,” she adds.
At the end of the day, it’s possible the people who might benefit most from it are those with vaginas and their partners. (So, if you’re a straight or bi guy, that includes you.)
“Most people with vulvas need clitoral stimulation to consistently orgasm, so outercourse is important for providing clitoral stimulation,” says Richards.
And a non-trivial benefit of more pleasure for her is that you feel better, too.
“I’ve had guys message me after our sessions to say they tried some of the techniques they learned during outercourse with their partners and for the first time, their partner had an orgasm. That’s what I love most: seeing men feel more confident, more connected, and more capable of creating real pleasure.”
Finally, it can be a useful and fun change of pace, says Richards.
“Outercourse can also be a way to switch things up if a couple is in a rut and wants something new to try,” she notes. “The societal prescription of sex sometimes says that penis-in-vagina intercourse is the main event, so it’s important to remember all the different types of outercourse available to us, so that we’re not solely focused on one act.”
Tips & Tricks for Making Outercourse Fun
Talk About It
Talking about sex with a partner seems decidedly awkward to many people, but the overwhelming majority of the time, it’s a necessary foundation for having good sex together. With outercourse, it’s no different.
“Communication is important!” Kelly says. “Make sure everyone is on the same page.”
“It can be really frustrating,” she explains, “if one person sees outercourse as the full experience where the other/s may see it as just getting started.”
Having discussions about the subject before, during or after can go a long way towards clearing up any misunderstandings or misconceptions.
Go Slow
While penetrative sex can sometimes be so pleasurable that guys may find themselves rushing through it and climaxing as soon as possible, outercourse can be an opportunity to take things slower, says Kelly — even into edging territory.
“Take your time, there’s no rush,” she says. “The longer you delay the finale, the hotter the build-up gets!”
Get Sensual
“Add in sensory fun, thinking about touch, taste, smell, sound and sight. You could try teasing the skin with your fingers, using your voice, whispering, moaning and dirty talking or introducing games with ice or food,” Kelly suggests.
Include the Whole Body
Though the genital areas do offer incredible pleasure potential, they’re not the be-all and end-all when it comes to outercourse — you can work the rest of the body into the equation as well.
“One fun way to experience outercourse is to give each other erotic massages, working downward from the neck, chest, stomach, and inner thighs to the genitals,” says Richards.
“Then, use slow strokes to stimulate the genitals, experimenting with different kinds of touch and working up to faster, firmer pressure,” she adds. “While you’re doing this, you can ask your partner which types of touch they enjoy most to get a better sense of how to please them.”
Be Playful
“Above all, don’t be scared to let your walls (and jocks) down, be hands on and have fun,” says Kelly. “There is no ‘right way’ to do it, as long as all parties are respecting the boundaries in place. Pleasure, not performance, is the real goal.”
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Source: AskMen
