What Is Sex Negativity and Why Is It a Harmful Concept?
Are You ‘Sex Negative’? Here’s How To Tell — And What To Do About It
Are You ‘Sex Negative’? Here’s How To Tell — And What To Do About It
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If your high school relied on a fear-based sex education program, or you were made to feel as if masturbating is shameful, we have news for you: you’ve experienced sex negativity firsthand. Maybe you internalized these ideas about sex, and maybe you didn’t. Either way, it’s not your fault. Experts say that unless you’re actively working to adopt a sex-positive mindset, our society’s pervasive sex-negative beliefs can become pretty ingrained from a young age.
Sex is a fundamental part of the human experience. After all, our species would cease to exist without it. But it’s not just for procreation — it also brings us a lot of pleasure, too. It can be a way of managing and relieving stress, connecting more intimately with someone, and even overcoming physical insecurities to work toward self-love and acceptance. But for centuries, sex has been heavily stigmatized. And this stigma may very well have influenced your own views about sex and what it means.
Being able to identify a sex-negative mindset is the first step toward making a change. Below, experts share what to know about sex negativity — and why it’s problematic.
What Is Sex Negativity?
So, what does it mean to be sex negative?
“Sex negativity is the belief that sex is inherently bad for you,” says Suzannah Weiss, resident sexologist for Fleshy and author of Subjectified: Becoming a Sexual Subject.
As the term implies, it describes viewing sex in a negative light — as shameful, “dirty,” or downright sinful. Sex negativity may manifest as more self-directed shame — or it may show up as judgemental thoughts about other people’s sexual choices.
“Judgment often comes from one’s deep-rooted fears about one’s own sexuality and wanting to avoid what happens if one crosses over an imaginary line — embarrassment, punishment, or losing control,” says Dr. Stephanie Jona Buehler, a sex therapist and director at LearnSexTherapy.com by The Buehler Institute.
As for where and how sex negativity is learned, experts agree it often becomes embedded from an early age. According to Nicolle Dirksen, sex and couples therapist and clinic owner at Clover Counseling, it may stem from purity culture or a religious upbringing. To be clear, though, making the decision not to have sex until you’re married doesn’t necessarily mean you’re sex-negative — unless you believe no one should have sex solely for pleasure, and feel guilty for any sex-related thoughts or desires.
Sexual trauma can play a role too.
“People who have experienced this often associate sex with unpleasant memories and feelings,” says Buehler. “This can lead to avoidance of anything sexual — including even affection that could lead to a more intimate act.”
But when neither of these factors is at play, it often comes down to the lack of comprehensive sex education, says Dirksen.
“People tend to view anything we don’t understand as ‘weird,’ ‘wrong,’ or even ‘immoral,’” she explains. “And when we lack a foundational sex education and an ability to think critically about our sexual selves, anything that we don’t have experience with becomes fodder for sex negativity.”
Examples of Sex Negativity
“Sex negativity comes in many forms,” says Buehler.
Here are just a few examples to look out for:
Believing someone who practices kink is mentally illHolding prejudice against sex workers or porn performersShaming people for breastfeeding in publicFeeling guilt — or condemning others — for masturbationMaking your partner, friend, etc. feel bad for their “body count”Shaming or making jokes about people who have STIs or STDs“Slut-shaming”Abstinence-only sex education
In recent years, Instagram has come under fire for “shadowbanning” sex educators — which would also be an example of sex negativity.
Why Sex Negativity Can Be Harmful
“Sex negativity can lead to feelings of isolation, depression, anxiety, and a slew of other issues,” says Dirksen.
According to Weiss, sex negativity can also prevent you from exploring your own body and developing a positive relationship with it. After all, if you view sex as disgusting, how could you possibly view your own sexual organs any differently?
“Some people who carry sexual shame end up experiencing issues in the bedroom such as difficulties with arousal or orgasm or even painful sex,” she adds. “Vaginismus, a disorder where the vagina clenches up upon attempts at penetration, is most common in religious communities, likely because sexual shame can create anxiety in the bedroom, which can create physical tension.”
Experts also note that internalized shame around sex can contribute to erectile dysfunction.
Your sex negativity can also impact your relationships and those around you. For example, expressing judgemental attitudes about sex may make your partner or friend feel like they can’t honestly share things with you about their sexual history.
What Are Some Ways to Cultivate Sex Positivity?
If you suspect you may have adopted some sex-negative beliefs, fret not. Experts say there are lots of ways to transition toward a more sex-positive perspective.
First, Dirksen advises simply allowing yourself to broach the subject of sex more often, even if it feels a little awkward or uncomfortable at first.
“Be willing to have conversations about sex with the people you trust, particularly those who have different sexual experiences or preferences from yourself,” she tells AskMen. “You can also read others’ stories or listen to others’ experiences in books, podcasts, TikTok videos, etc.”
When you find judgemental thoughts popping up about someone else’s sex life, Weiss recommends asking yourself whether their choices are making them happy and aren’t putting them in danger — because ultimately, that’s all that really matters.
Weiss also suggests doing some sex-positive reading — for example, consider looking into The Ethical Slut, Pleasure Activism, Sex For One, or her own book Subjectified.
“Follow sex educators, therapists, and researchers on Instagram to learn more about sex from a non-judgmental standpoint,” she adds. “Lastly, visiting or taking a class at a local sex shop can be a great way to expose yourself to a sex-positive environment and also get answers to any questions you may have about sex.”
Finally, Buehler says a great segue into exploring your own sensuality is self-massage.
“Find your erogenous zones — for example, maybe the inside of the elbow or behind the knee — and discover what feels good,” she says. “If you notice yourself becoming aroused and it feels uncomfortable, you can always pause or opt to pick back up another time. Otherwise, allow fantasies to flow without judging them and use them for insight for understanding what you might enjoy.”
What You Should Know About Sexual AftercareWhat Is Kink-Shaming? (And Why You Should Avoid Doing It)What Is Slut-Shaming? (And Why You Need to Stop Doing It)
Source: AskMen
