Understanding the Toxicity of Weaponized Incompetence
Have you ever seen a commercial, or a scene in a movie or TV show, where a guy gets made fun of for not knowing how to do basic household chores? Or maybe you’ve seen a viral post on the subject.
These days, TikTok is full of videos of wives making fun of their husbands for their inability to do seemingly simple tasks such as putting leftovers in the fridge or loading the dishwasher.
Depending on your point of view, this stuff may seem relatable and lighthearted, or annoying and unfunny. But few people realize that there’s a complex dynamic lurking under the surface of men’s tendency not to engage in housework. Ultimately, that sort of behavior can reveal a subtle yet toxic relationship habit called weaponized incompetence.
AskMen spoke to a couple of experts in order to find out more about the ways this can impact romantic relationships — and how you can protect yours against it. Here’s what you need to know about it:
What Is Weaponized Incompetence?
Basically, weaponized incompetence is the idea of pretending not to know how to do a task to get out of it.
It can look like doing a bad job on purpose when prompted to help with housework — that way, you won’t be asked to help again. It can also be more subtle, like shirking responsibility by telling your partner they are just so much better at making dinner than you are. Sometimes, partners who use weaponized incompetence don’t even realize that they are doing it.
It’s also important to note that even though the “lazy husband” is a stereotypical gender trope, weaponized incompetence isn’t limited to men, and can even play out in the workplace and your friendships.
Why Weaponized Incompetence Is Harmful
If it’s a common feature of jokes and funny TikToks, you might wonder what the big deal is with blowing off a few chores by letting a more competent or experienced partner handle them.
“Weaponized incompetence is something that a partner may not realize that they are doing. It can be quite subtle. However, it is damaging to the relationship, as it can cause the other person to feel resentful or taken advantage of,” says Dr. Jay Serle, LMFT, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist and the clinical director of The Ohana Luxury Alcohol Rehab.
According to Serle, the partner in question may genuinely not know how to do the task. And that’s not the issue. It becomes harmful when they don’t take steps to learn it.
“They are putting everything on their partner,” he says.
In other words, perpetuating weaponized incompetence instead of making efforts to be an equal partner is selfish, and is likely to make your partner feel unsupported and alone.
In the long run, it can even play a significant role in ending your relationship; research shows that a perceived inequality in the division of housework causes tension between spouses that leads to decreased marital quality and can lead to divorce.
How to Avoid Engaging in Weaponized Incompetence
If you find yourself trying to find ways to get out of doing unpleasant tasks, awareness is key to breaking the habit.
Why do you do it? For example, do you feel like your partner is never satisfied with the way you do things so it’s best not to bother? Do you feel embarrassed about not knowing how to perform some tasks? Do you resent being asked to do something or are you upset with your partner and thus uninspired to help?
It’s important to be aware of the reasons behind your use of weaponized incompetence so that you can change your behavior or have an honest conversation with your partner accordingly.
“If you notice this in your relationship, address it with your partner. Let them know what you are seeing,” says Serle.
Appreciation is also important when it comes to avoiding weaponized incompetence. Laura Doyle, a New York Times bestselling author and relationship coach, says that it’s important to avoid criticizing, correcting or demoralizing your significant other when they attempt to help. This also means letting go of control if you like things done a certain way.
“Many times we take on more responsibility out of fear that it won’t be done right in the first place. But is it really that important to have something done the exact same way you would do it, or is it better to just have it done?” she says.
“It’s OK that your partner tackles a chore differently than you would because they are a different person! We are not all the same, which makes life exciting and worth exploring. The more appreciation you show your partner, the more you will inspire them to do and, over time, they will get better at the things that annoy you. After all, our goals in a relationship is to build joy together, not frustrate each other.”
In other words, calling out one’s partner for not folding the laundry just so can encourage them to pass the chore back to you. And maintaining the status quo doesn’t help any of the parties involved: One person gets used to taking responsibility for everything and feels burdened by their mental load, and the other one gets used to being lazy and misses out on opportunities to learn and grow.
Whether you’re the one using weaponized incompetence to shirk responsibility or you’ve noticed that your partner is in the habit of doing so, have a conversation about why it’s happening and how you can divide tasks moving forward.
You’ll both end up happier in the process, even if it involves doing things you don’t like or letting go of some expectations about how you like things done.
Source: Askmen
