1. Making sure your roommate will be gone. And not just “maybe gone,” or “going to the dining hall for half an hour and when I get back I expect you not to be having sex in our room.”
2. Or at the very least, making sure your roommate is sleeping. But don’t do this, because #karma is #real.
3. Or having your roommate bang a dude while they think you’re sleeping. See? Sucks, doesn’t it.
4. Thin walls. Because you are paying tens of thousands of dollars’ tuition for everyone to hear everyone’s business.
5. People right outside your door. This is when the kid with the septum piercing who sits in the hallway for hours playing “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” becomes twice as annoying.
5. A limited number of positions and very good possibility you will whack yourself on the head in a loft bed. Proof that we need to come up with more sex positions that can be executed when you and your partner are 2 feet away from the ceiling.
6. If you’re in a frat house, guys will try to listen in. Gross.
7. Not having a nightstand to turn into a vibrator/condom/misc. sex accoutrement drawer. Even the reach into the nightstand for a condom sort of breaks the mood — let alone having to go across the room and rummage in your desk.
8. Squeaky bedsprings and no headboard. Nothing to grip.
9. Sharing a twin bed with someone means you will get the worst sleep of your life.You are folded around each other like the least comfortable origami ever. Every time your partner moves a tiny bit, it will disrupt your sleep. You can practically hear them dreaming.
10. Tiptoeing down the hall to pee after. Do you get fully dressed? Do you just wrap a blanket around yourself and hope for the best? Do you just pee in a bucket in your room? What. Is. The. Protocol.
11. Sneaking the guy out and hoping no one sees. Not because you’re ashamed. But because you really don’t feel like your sex life is much of your R.A.’s business.
12. Not being able to shower together after. This violates the communal bathroom policies, I’m assuming?
13. Ripping the $15 sheets you got at Ikea during move-in week. You knew you should’ve shelled out for the slightly more expensive, slight nicer sheets, but you didn’t. And now your sex romp has torn a hole right through the top sheet.
14. Um, you haven’t done your laundry in four weeks so no clean underwear for after? Not a thing? For anyone but me? Cool.