This is kind of depressing, but we’re going to give it to you straight. According to a2010 Esquire survey that the Internet will never let die, women may not be as excited about oral as we’ve been led to believe. To make matters worse, there really is such thing as an oral sex gap — women are twice as likely to go down on their partners and half as likely to receive pleasure when the favor is returned.
While oral sex sounds like a great appetizer to the main event in theory, 10 percent of the Esquire women said they didn’t like it at all. And a whopping 44 percent of women said it could be “nice” every once in a while. What gives? Well, you know, and we know, that many aren’t as proficient as they claim to be in the ways of the tongue beneath the sheets. And many of us women are shy about asking for what we want in bed, making even the best attempt at oral very awkward indeed.
Believe it or not, these tips, coupled with some expert guidance, can help make receiving oral fun again. As you might have guessed, it’s all about finding out what works for you and what doesn’t — and getting comfortable using your sexy bedroom voice to direct traffic:
1. Variety is key. We already know that variety is the spice of life, and this couldn’t ring truer than when it comes to oral sex. In other words, always keep her guessing, and she’s likely to do you the same favor in return. “Different strokes may work better on different days. If you find something she likes, come back to it repeatedly, with pauses in between,” Janet Lieberman, CTO at Dame Products, says, “Much like the trick of making a pool feel warmer by getting out and getting back in, taking a quick break and coming back to it provides a boost in intensity. It also helps you avoid overstimulating a specific cluster of nerves.”
2. Say a little prayer. For those feeling nervous about performing oral sex, it may help to send up a prayer — and try the praying position first. Eric Marlowe Garrison, clinical sexologist and bestselling author of Mastering Multiple Position Sex, says of his favorite hands-on oral technique, “Because I believe that perfect practice makes perfect, something I learned from my high school marching band director, it’s important that she help him with his technique. One of the ways that I’d recommend this happen is that she places her hands as though she’s praying, and she drops them down to where her vulva is. She can do this fully clothed, or she can do this partially clothed, or she can do this naked. With her thumb as the clitoris and the space between the two index fingers as the introitus, she can talk to him about how and where he needs to use his fingers, tongue or toys. She can also ask her partner to put his hands in the same position, and then show him how it can be done.”
3. Take things slow. Don’t act like a hungry, slobbery brute. Once you make it to her clit and vagina, gently lick all around. Direct stimulation can be too intense for some, so explore the surrounding area. Ask her where she likes to be touched. You don’t have to be rough with your mouth unless she wants you to. It’s always best to start off slow, unless she specifically requests otherwise. Some women do like it when you roughly use your tongue and mouth, but only do so if she asks.
Alexandra Fine, CEO at Dame Products, agrees that slow and steady wins the race, “There are lots of tips and tricks on how to do the deed, but where most men fail in cunnilingus is during the arousal phase. Women can take 20 minutes plus to get physically aroused. That means that, however slowly you think you are getting from her mouth to her clit — go slower! Wait until she arches her back and thrusts her hips up — then you’ll know you’ve hit the spot.”
4. Try the reverse hug technique. This shouldn’t be too hard if you’re in good shape. You’ll need to hold her upside down in front of you. Her head and shoulders should rest on the bed, and her back should rest against your chest and stomach. Hold her up a bit so that she won’t feel too much pressure around her neck. Just wrap your arms around her stomach and lower your face between her legs.
If things are stalling, Garrison advises flipping the script to keep communication free and easy. “It is very important to speak in ‘I’ statements, instead of statements that begin or include the word ‘you,'” she says. “With an ‘I’ statement, we know exactly what the individual wants. ‘I love to have my clitoris sucked like a peppermint stick,’ as opposed to, ‘you don’t do it right.’ Or, ‘you need to suck my clitoris like a peppermint stick.’ Those imply judgment, dissatisfaction, or critique of technique.”
5. Try the doggy greet technique. This technique involves a combination of oral sex and doggy-style. While in the doggy-style position, pull out of her when she is close to having an orgasm. Then, you hurry and lower your head towards her clit and use your tongue until she has orgasm. Once she has the orgasm, enter her again. Basically, you go back and forth between using your tongue and penis. If done right, she should have multiple orgasms!
Since doggy offers a better view than most oral sex positions, embarrassment is a possibility. To maximize enjoyment in more “compromising” positions, sexologist Megan Stubbs recommends relaxing and throwing modesty out the window, “Don’t be self-conscious about the way your vulva may look. Vulvas come in all sorts of colors, shapes and sizes, so don’t use pornography as your benchmark as what is ‘normal.'”
6. Another fun oral position to try is “under the sink.” She stands right next to the side of the bed and squats down a little. There should just be enough room for you to lay on your back on the bed and place your head between her legs. She is mostly in control of her own pleasure. She can squat further, tilt, lean back, etc. This position is pretty easy for you both to do. She just needs to give you enough room so that you don’t strain your neck.
And speaking of sink, this woman-on-top position translates perfectly from the bedroom to the bath — try it when taking a shower, as long as you have a firm surface to hold on to. Cunnilingus in the shower has an added advantage, Garrison explains, “Some men have myths about the smell, taste and sensation of going down on a woman. One of the ways to handle this is to engage in oral sex in the shower. So don’t throw the possibility of oral sex out with the bathwater.”