I’ve been with my boyfriend for six years and have been long-distance for about 2 1/2 years. We make it work, but the past few months have been difficult since I have become depressed and anxious about the future. My anxiety and depression induces feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem, distrust, etc. He is usually very understanding and supportive, but I feel like he is getting frustrated. Now that you have our current relationship status, here’s what’s really bothering me. I am completely uninterested in anal sex and my boyfriend knows that. The last time we had sex, he said, “I want to come in your fucking ass” during orgasm. Afterward, he knew this upset me tremendously and proceeded to apologize profusely. But I can’t stop replaying it in my head, and thinking he will always want anal and never be fully satisfied. Am I just letting my insecurities get the best of me, or is this going to severely scar our sex life?
Yes, you’re letting your insecurities get the best of you. No, this isn’t going to scar your sex life.
My guess is that this has much more to do with your long-term, long-distance relationship. That’s tough. Setting boundaries in your sex life is not. So let’s walk through what happened:
Your boyfriend screwed up. He didn’t mince words, so I won’t either: He said a stupid, disrespectful, crass thing to you at exactly the wrong moment. He knew anal sex turned you off, and he let his fantasy slip in the worst way, at the worst time, and it hurt you.
You were upset and let him know it. That’s really healthy: You immediately let him know how you feel. Whether you like anal sex or not is not the point. You told him how you feel. That’s honest.
Then your boyfriend apologized “profusely.” That’s also great. He took responsibility and respected your feelings. I doubt he will be saying that to you again.
Does his comment mean that he absolutely, definitely wants anal sex or only anal sex? No. If I had to guess, he was turned on and worked up, and then he just blurted it out. He might like anal sex or fantasize about it or just think your butt is hot. I have no idea.
Where do you go from here? In any relationship, someone is going to say something hurtful. It happens. (Next time, it could be you.) But a healthy couple is going to find a way to deal with it and move forward. As someone who gets anxious more than every once in awhile, I know that I always feel better when I air my feelings out. So don’t let this linger. The great thing about knowing your limits is that it makes it so much easier to actually communicate with your partner.
Talk about it. Say something like: “The other day, I got upset, so I just want you to know why: I’m just not into anal sex and I want you to know that it’s not going to happen. Cool?”
It sounds like you worry that he has a secret desire for butt stuff that he’s not disclosing, so ask him about that too. I doubt it’s a fixation or even a strong preference, but if it is, at least you’ll know and then you can deal with it. It can be tough when people want different things in bed, but that’s something you can talk about too. Tell him that you think you can still have a fully satisfying sexual relationship, regardless, and remember that you shouldn’t let yourself be pressured into something you don’t want to do.
Your long-distance relationship? That’s another story. So deal with that directly too. As the months go by, remember to touch base and talk about how the distance is affecting you both. And please try, even when it’s hard, not to pick a proxy battle over something small because the big stuff is scarier.
I can’t stand my boyfriend’s brother. He’s 28 years old and has no education, stable job, or friends his own age, so he hangs out with our friends (he hits on my friends too, which is creepy). He mooches off the family and never cleans up after himself. He has been caught stealing, and never apologized to my friend or me. I have tried to be cordial, but I can’t do it anymore. I have been asked to be nicer to him, but I don’t feel like it’s fair. I have told my boyfriend that I would be up for having a heart-to-heart with him at the house and even extended the olive branch in the most 2016-eque way by following him on Instagram; however he has never extended me the same courtesy. Honestly I’m tired of how my boyfriend and his family baby this brother. In my own family, we would never tolerate such behavior, but it’s not my own family. Do I just suck it up?
To some extent, yes, you do have to suck it up. He sounds like he’s driving you crazy with his reckless, irresponsible behavior, but you’re going to have to live with him in your life. You can’t choose your boyfriend’s family, and you can’t change them.
I’m not saying you have to be his best pal, his confidante, his counselor, or his parole officer. You’re not his in-law (at least not yet). I doubt you’re going to be buddies. I think what you want to aim for here is a respectful neutral attitude: You should try not to hate him, and you don’t have to love him. You just have to find a way to coexist.
Going forward, assume that there’s nothing you can do to change him. You are almost certainly not the right person to stage an intervention or help him evolve as a mature adult — simply because you don’t like him, you don’t love him, you haven’t known him for very long. Leave that to the people who have been family for years. If he learns to stop mooching, stealing, and making a mess some day, that’s great. Don’t count on it.
So what can you do?
I’m not sure about all that you’ve tried so far, but, frankly, I’m not surprised that following him on Instagram didn’t change your relationship. No one gesture or conversation is going to change this guy. I’m sorry to say that I don’t think you can do much more than be patient, call him out, and show him some common decency, in hopes that he’ll return the favor.
Your boyfriend’s family isn’t going away. But, since this dude sounds like a total pain in the ass, you should keep talking this all out honestly with your boyfriend and try, together, to set some boundaries for his brother that will make your life a little more tolerable. Maybe there’s a way you can simply limit your exposure and see less of him. Maybe you and your boyfriend can sit down and explain a few basic rules, like, “No stealing. No hitting on our friends. Clean up your mess when you come over. And call before you come over.” (But your boyfriend is going to need to have your back to make them stick.)
You don’t have to completely change your relationship with his brother — but you can find a way to make it a little less annoying.
I am in my early 20s, and I enjoy having casual sex. But I feel as if some of my friends judge me for doing this. Some friends make snide comments over it. Which makes me feel bad for doing something I enjoy doing. I know I do not want anything serious right now because I want fun. But is it wrong of me to enjoy just having casual sex? I feel as if I am being slut-shammed.
Yep, the situation you’re describing is pretty much the definition of “slut-shaming” as found in the first edition of Webster’s Bad Friends Who Project Their Own Insecurities Onto You and Make You Feel Awful Dictionary.
Frankly, your friends are going to regret making snide comments about your decision to live your life on your terms. Whether you’re counting the notches on your lipstick case or hiding away in a nunnery, your sex life is your own damn choice — and nobody else’s.
You shouldn’t make decisions about your life based on how someone else might whisper about you, tweet at you, or comment on your Instagram photos. Don’t do anything because you’re afraid of being shamed. Do what you feel to be right. What would really be shameful is to get to the point where you look back on your life and realize that you wasted too much of it trying to make other people happy. So tune out your haters. The next time someone makes a dumb crack, just say, “Hey, I don’t judge the way you live your life, I’d appreciate it if you’d do the same.”