Wild, body-contorting sex is fun, sure. But do you know what else is fun? Giving literally no fucks at all and hopping into the laziest of sex positions that somehow still manage to get you off. If you’ve ever been in a long-term relationship, you know these positions are as real as it gets.
1. The Flatward-Facing Dog
You want the pros of doggy style (easy high-speed angle, solid clit/ball access) without having to keep yourself propped up the whole time. Hey, upper-body strength is overrated. Gingerly lower yourself onto your stomach like you do at that point in yoga class where you’ve completely given up, and guide that D in. Feel the snugness of their peen while smiling to yourself because you’re getting laid while both fully lying down.
2. The Second-Best Kind of Sandwich
Talk about your respective long days while cuddling in bed. Despite your utter exhaustion, slowly peel off your clothes. Have one person lie completely flat on top of the other like two wonderful, buttery pieces of bread, noting how much more eye contact you make this way. Appreciate how you make each other feel, both emotionally and orgasmically. Afterwards, celebrate with an actual sandwich (preferably in bed.)
3. The Side-Romp(er)
On a particularly humid 90-degree day, wear your favorite summery romper, the one that has those strings that always take an annoyingly long time to tie. Eye that dick, because you are a busy woman who knows what she wants. Slide the shorts and underwear to the side (like you drunkenly did that one time to pee), hop on top, and contain any floral print-ruining mess with a condom. Then plop right back next to the air conditioner.
4. The Stranger Things Spoon
You get home from work late and are torn between catching up on Netflix or getting some much-needed boning. Decide you simply NEED to see the next episode because cliffhangers these days are so real!!! Fire up the laptop together, and assume a cuddly spooning position. Realize there is literally nothing stopping you from having sex right now except underwear. Take them off so you can experience a Demogorgon of your own ;).
5. The Edward Scissorlegs
It’s one of those gloomy, drizzly days that makes you feel like you’re in a Tim Burton movie. The cure? Getting naked, hugging each other, and, ugh, never knowing what to do with your legs, so just letting them get entangled whichever way and hoping for the best. Somehow, this position works, but you never remember how. Whatever. Sex happened!
6. The Helping Hands
You are insatiably turned on but also dead after your long walk/movies/dinner/drinks date (you fools thought you could do it all!) You also know that, if left to your own devices, you’ll come in like, 0.5 seconds. Remember that the only thing that might boost your attraction to your partner is watching them take care of themselves. Even hotter than that? Doing it at the same time. Efficiency has never been so sexy.
7. The (Food)-Babymaker
Plan a fancy anniversary date at a restaurant that’s just comfortably out of your price range. Actively test your stomach capacities for wine and rich cheeses. Come home and hop into bed, knowing you obviously need to have sex on your anniversary (especially since you’re dressed at least 20 percent cuter than usual.) Fumble around in missionary/any position that feels like a compromise between happily-stimulated genitals and bellies full of steak ‘n cake. Do not finish. Fall asleep in your lace lingerie and be pleasantly surprised when you wake up with enough food-fuel to make that morning-after worth an annual celebration of its own.