I was a single mum of twin sons whose father scarpered abroad and left me. I was suffering from depression and my own family gave me the cold shoulder.
The boys lived in a care home during the week and I visited them every day, spending lots of time with them and taking them out. Then, at the weekends, they came home to stay with me.
When they reached the age of four I took the sad decision to have them adopted because I didn’t want them transferred to a home for older kids, as I knew this was very far from ideal for such young children. The adoption was open and the boys would also visit me.
Then, when they were 16 I was shocked to hear from one of the boys that he “wanted a break” from me. Since then, he’s cut off all contact with me and is now about to turn 25.
I’ve attempted to call him and have sent emails and letters, but he’s never responded. My other son is in contact regularly, but says it is impossible to talk to his brother about me.
For the past couple of years I’ve made no attempt to contact him. Should I? Or should I simply not think of him any more and accept that I’ll never see him again?
This is a very sad situation for you and for your sons. You made your decision many years ago because you felt it was better for your boys at the time. Now that they are adults, they are free to make their own decisions.
It’s great that one of your twins has chosen to remain in contact with you. As for your other lad, he knows what you want, but you can’t force it on him.
Just as your decision had to be accepted at the time, you have to try and accept his choice now.
All you can do is hope that as he grows and matures he’ll understand the situation a bit more.
Emotionally, it’s very complex. Your son has parents who’ve brought him up since the age of four and a wider family, too.
It might take him time to work out his feelings for you and where you fit into that set-up. He might be angry with you.
I’d suggest writing to him again and letting him know you respect his decision and that you understand you have no right to demand he’s part
of your life.
But add that if and when he does want to get back in touch you, you’ll be there.
In the meantime, concentrate on the son who does still want to be part of your life and try not to let your problems with his brother taint that relationship.
You could also contact Adoption UK for more support and advice. You’ll find them at adoptionuk.org.
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