As a busy parent, you have two ways to look at sex. One: WTF? Another person wants to suck at my boob? Or two: Get. It. Yes, there is no time; yes, the baby might wake up; yes, you’re tired AF. But hey, try and think about it this way: The lack of time? Decide that it’s “urgency.” The need to be quiet? It’s sneaking around — exciting! The baby spit up on your shirt and you literally have no idea how long it’s been there? That’s … well, just take off the damn shirt and be done with it. You must get busy and nap time is almost over!
1. BABY MONITOR MAMBO
Use the baby monitors as walkie-talkies to tell your partner where you are and what you’re doing before you get busy together. (Make sure grandma has the kid first ’cause she so doesn’t want to know that you’re in your panties, sliding a finger down your stomach, closer and closer.) Don’t allow him to find you right away, and give him a running commentary of what’s going down in the room. Hide-and-seek never felt this good…
2. WOMAN DOWN
When you want to do it, but you’re both just so … flippin’ … tired, this is pretty much the laziest sex you can try. Lie on your back, with your knees bent while he lies on his side coming in perpendicularly. Way effortless and relaxing, but just exciting enough (that angle, so good) to keep you from falling asleep during. Because as loving as your partner is, they might not appreciate that. #ParentProblems.
3. ALL HANDS ON DECK
If you’re a very new parent, you might be a like skittish about P-in-V (I mean, damn, a big-ass baby head just came out of there). In fact, many health-care providers recommend waiting four to six weeks before getting back in the saddle … but that doesn’t mean your sex drive disappears during that time. Now is the moment for some mutual masturbation. Lie on your backs and hold hands, using the other to, um, attend to your own needs. Talk dirty, and try to get each other hotter and hotter. It’s a gentle way of easing back into sex and figuring out how much stimulation you can handle.
4. DUCK AND COVER!
The toddler is napping. And it’s been a really, really long time — you are beyond craving each other. But the kid might wake up any second. Hop in bed under the covers and get in a spooning position, curling up more than usual into a fetal position to take him in deeper. Face the door so you both can keep an eye out to see if the coast is still clear. And if it isn’t, the covers will buy you time to throw together your story about how “Mommy and Daddy were having nap time too.”
5. TEDDY BEAR THROW-DOWN
Grab an unsuspecting teddy bear, and prop your bum on him to protect your lower back and get a deeper angle of penetration. Hey, your house is completely trashed, anyway. You could methodically clean it up. Again. Or … you could embrace the chaos and do it right there on the floor. Yes, on the top of all those toys (avoid the pokey ones, cars, blocks and such, and go for the soft area of the pile.) Use what you have on hand. Duck into a playhouse for privacy!